The Chain
by MuchTooHighACost
Summary: At the end of S2, Addison discovers she is pregnant. How will this affect Meredith, Derek and everyone at SGH in the months to come? Eventual MerDer and other canon pairings.
1. Chapter 1

**Okay. So. I don't know if this has been done before but I'm going to try to do this crazy thing. I'm really excited about the potential this story has. I can't promise consistent updates, as I only have another chapter and half written at this point, but I have big plans. I hope you enjoy, and please read and review. Thank you:)**

_Decisions. No one likes to make them. When we were little, our parents told us that one day, we would know right from wrong, that the right choice would seem obvious, that we would know what to do. Maybe they knew something we don't._

Since she could remember, Addison Montgomery-Shepherd had been sensible. Level-headed. Rational. She'd never had very much drama in her life, she'd never caused gossip and she'd definitely never been a rebel. She was the girl in the front of the class with all the answers. But when she met Derek Shepherd, all of that changed. She became bold, adventurous, maybe even a little reckless. Maybe even a little adulterous… if adulterous was something you could be "a little."

She could handle his leaving; she'd mostly brought that upon herself. She could handle the cheating on his part. She could even handle the fact that he was still pretty obviously in love with Meredith. What she could not handle was the situation that rested in her hands at that very moment. Well, the _situations._

In one hand, she held the pair of size 4 black lacy Victoria's Secret underwear that she'd found in the pocket of her husband's tux. In the other was a positive pregnancy test.

Addison didn't know, couldn't explain how it had happened. Fingers still shaking, she walked to the tiny bathroom and dropped the pregnancy test into the trashcan. The big plus sign stared up at her.

She breathed deeply and sat back down on the bed. This was such a mixed blessing. The past couple years she'd been dying to have children with Derek. Any day but today she would have been overjoyed at this news. She'd imagined this moment so many times, but all of them were different from this. She thought she'd be younger, she'd thought she would learn the news on a sunny day; she'd imagined padding down the hall barefoot, still in her pajamas, waking Derek up with a kiss, putting his hand over her belly and whispering, "We're going to have a baby." Addison's heart wrenched in her chest every time she saw his eager eyes, his pure joy…

But that was not reality. She looked at the panties. _This _was her reality, and it felt like she was drowning. Derek obviously didn't love her anymore, he obviously wouldn't _want _children with her… and she certainly didn't want him if he didn't want her. God, this was such a mess…

Addison jumped when the trailer door opened. Derek closed it behind him and looked up, straight down the hallway and into the bedroom where Addison sat on the bed.

Slight pause. Sigh. "Hey."

"Hey."

Another sigh. He looked tired, exhausted, sorry. "There's something I have to tell you, Addison."

She held up a hand in protest, the hand that still held the pair of underwear. "I think I know what you're going to say."

Derek let out a big breath and sat down next to her on the bed. "Oh…"

She took a shaky breath of her own, finally finding the courage to ask the question that had been on her mind ever since she'd met a certain intern. "What is it about her, Derek? What is it about Meredith Grey that I don't--"

"Addison--"

"I want to know, Derek. What is it that makes you love her and not me?" She looked pleadingly at her husband, desperate for an answer. "Is it because she's younger, is that it? Do you not like that I've gotten older? I mean I know I'm not as thin as I used to be, but--"

"Please, just listen--" he tried to begin.

But Addison was confident now and she wasn't going to let him stop her. "No, Derek. _You_ listen. It's my turn now, okay? My time to talk." He fell silent. "I gave up my life for you. Twice. I was the one who didn't want to get married straight out of med school but you insisted. And I thought 'When am I ever going to meet such a great guy again?' So I married you. And, honestly, I don't know whether or not I regret it. I don't even know if I regret starting all over again--_again_--by following you out here. But the point is, whether or not I wanted to, I did it. I gave up everything for you, Derek. And I felt like… you didn't give anything. When our marriage was in trouble in New York you just sat there. You didn't try to make things better, you didn't want to go to counseling, you didn't--"

"I didn't sleep with your best friend, Addison," Derek interrupted angrily. "But you slept with mine."

"Do you know what it feels like to be _ignored_ every day of your life by your own _husband_?" Addison retorted in disbelief. "And then when someone finally shows some interest in you… do you have any idea how _good _that made me feel?"

"We had problems," Derek admitted. "But what were you doing to help them? Avoiding me, spending the night with friends without so much as a note to tell me where the hell you were?"

"Don't you dare make me the bad guy here!"

"You don't know how it fe--well, actually, you do know. You do know how it feels to find out your spouse is sleeping with someone else. But the way it felt for you was not the same way it felt for me. You slept with Mark to get noticed. I slept with Meredith because I was alone, hurt and because she made me feel alive again."

"Oh, so two wrongs make a right? I sleep with someone, you sleep with someone, we're even? Marriage doesn't work that way, Derek," Addison argued.

"You're right," he snapped. "It doesn't work that way. It was my mistake to try to fix a relationship that was already so broken."

Addison had no answer, knowing that they were now getting down to the root of the problem. This was it. This was the part where they told each other they didn't want to be together anymore.

"So," Derek began, "I came back tonight to tell you that I had sex with Meredith again--" She flinched, even though she already knew. "--and that I think it's best for both of us if we get a divorce."

She nodded slowly, staring blankly ahead. "Okay… okay."

He sighed in exhaustion. "I'm sorry you had to find out this way," he said, gesturing to the panties on the bed.

"Yeah," she said quietly. "Me too."

Derek walked down the narrow trailer hallway to the bathroom. Addison shut her eyes and breathed deeply. She heard the bathroom door close, she heard the toilet seat go up, she heard the flush of the toilet and the water running in the sink, and then--silence. Something about it was unsettling, not right… She heard the door open but didn't want to look.

"Addison."

She breathed. In. Out. She opened her eyes and Derek stood there holding her pregnancy test. His face was blank. There was nothing in his eyes. He looked older.

She couldn't find any words but, "I'm sorry you had to find out this way."

X

Three hours later they sat facing each other on the bed. "So you want to keep it."

Addison nodded firmly. "Yes. Yes, I am sure about that. I've wanted kids with you for a while." She sniffed and reached for the box of Kleenex that sat between them. "But Derek? Please be honest… do _you_ want to keep it?"

His answer was so immediate it almost sounded rehearsed. "I want what's going to be best for you and the baby."

"Yeah, but what do _you_ want?" she asked. He hesitated and she said, "Look Derek, I need you to be honest with me here. If you don't want to be with me, I understand. That's fine. I just don't want someone who doesn't want me."

He sighed. "Addison… I don't think I can give you what you want anymore. I love Meredith. But…" He nodded slowly. "But I don't want my child growing up without a father. I am going to be there for you through this and I am going to be there for this baby."

Tears leaked out of her eyes. "So you don't want a divorce?"

"No. I'm not going to be the guy who abandons his wife when she gets pregnant."

"But… what about after this, what about after the baby's born, I mean, are we going to stay together, are we going to separate but still see each other for his sake? There's so much to think about here, Derek, and I just want to make sure you're making the right decision."

"I…" he faltered, his eyes stirring. "Okay, I need to think about this. I need…"

"Just think about it. And let me know."

Derek nodded. "I will do that."

Addison smiled. "Okay."

_You always think that you know what's right and what's wrong, that in the heat of the moment, you're going to make the right choice. But as you get closer and closer to that fire, the lines between right and wrong, good and bad, begin to blur, and suddenly you find that you have no idea what to do. _


	2. Chapter 2

_As surgeons, we have to remain objective. We can't let our patients affect us. Most of the time, it's easy to let their tragedies roll right under your feet. To move on to the next thing. But it's a little different with your friends. You can't just move on from their tragedies. You can't walk into the next exam room and forget about it for a while. Your friends' problems are your problems. That's part of the job description. I scratch your back, you scratch mine. _

"We should say something," George whispered as he and Meredith were about to walk out the door.

"Like what?" Meredith asked, exasperated.

"I don't know, like…" He paused, then called up the stairs, "Hey Iz, we're going to work! We'll be back around lunchtime to--"

"You don't have to shout." George and Meredith nearly jumped out of their skin as Izzie came out from the kitchen.

"How… how long have you been up?" Meredith stammered.

"Since about four," Izzie answered in her new straight-faced, emotionless style. Her eyes looked tired and she had flour stains on her sweater.

"Do you need--" George began.

"No thanks. You guys go to work."

He tried again. "Call us if you--"

"Okay."

He looked helplessly at Meredith who sighed and said, "Don't worry about her. She'll be fine. Come on."

X

"Derek, you're being ridiculous," Addison huffed as they walked through the sliding glass doors of Seattle Grace Hospital.

"I'm just saying you should go to Bailey for some more information--"

"And I'm just saying, _no_."

"Why not?" Derek gave a laugh of disbelief.

"I'm a registered OBGYN as well as one of the nation's top neonatal surgeons, I think I can handle my own pregnancy." Addison jabbed at the button for an elevator.

"Addison, you're not being reasonable," Derek sighed, following her into the elevator. She didn't reply. He tried another approach, one that had been nagging him for a while. "What if there's something you're overlooking because it's yourself and you just want to think the best?"

Her azure eyes flashed. "Are you suggesting that there's something wrong with our baby?"

"No, I'm just saying that you shouldn't underestimate the probability of a complication."

"We'll talk about this later," she murmured, and hurried out of the elevator as soon as it opened.

Derek sighed and ran a hand through his dark hair. He didn't know what he was saying these things for, talking about complications and possible problems like this. But ever since he'd heard the news that Addison was pregnant a few days ago it was all he had thought about. He supposed that to his wife, it must seem like he almost expected complications to occur. But that wasn't it at all, he was just so confused… And her unpredictable temper lately was doing nothing to improve his mood about the whole situation.

It was hard to guess when Addison's hormones would talk for her. Before he knew about the pregnancy he wrote off her sudden outbursts as stress due to work. But in light of recent news, all of the strange things that she'd been doing suddenly began to make sense: eating more than usual and at strange times, getting up to use the bathroom four or five times a night, unexplained mood swings… How had he ignored this? And how was Addison supposed to make it through this by herself? If he left now, who was going to be there to help her through this? She'd left all her friends behind when she came to Seattle. There was Mark, but that was a small comfort, if a comfort at all. Who did Addison have now but himself, her husband, Derek?

As soon as he stepped out of the elevator, his pager beeped. He changed quickly and then hurried to 2341, where Meredith and Cristina were already there, waiting for him. A young woman lay in the bed, her dark hair a stark contrast to her pale and tired face.

"Who's presenting?" Derek asked, taking the chart from Meredith.

"Tina Schwartz, 37," Meredith jumped in right away, much to Cristina's dismay. "She's been complaining of persistent headaches for a couple of weeks now. Also, she's had a couple of unexplained bursts of anger in recent weeks--"

"Anger?" the patient's husband interrupted. "More like complete loss of control. She essentially went crazy!"

"Vaughn…" the woman, Tina, warned. She turned to Derek. "I'm sorry, my husband's just a little frustrated. I've been in the hospital a lot lately…"

As Derek examined her he said calmly, "Well, we're going to find out what's giving you these headaches and do what we can to fix it." He jotted a few notes down on her chart and said, "Meredith, can we run a CT?"

"Sure."

"Uh, Dr. Shepherd, is there anything you'd like me to do?" Cristina asked hopefully as she followed the two of them out of the room.

"You're supposed to be on ortho," Meredith muttered.

"Shut up."

"Why don't you check on Burke," Derek suggested. "See how he's doing. I'm sure he'd be glad to see you."

Cristina could only flounder for words as he walked away. Meredith looked at her friend sympathetically.

"Don't look at me like that," Cristina spat.

"Like what?" Meredith asked; whatever it was, she hadn't done it intentionally.

"You're looking at me the way everyone looked at you when they found out about McDreamy's wife."

Meredith winced. "Oh. Sorry. But… really. You should go see Burke."

Cristina made a face. "Oh come on, Mer. You know I don't do the whole visiting sick people thing."

"Yeah. But you do the whole visiting your boyfriend thing, right?" She cocked her head at her friend. "Right?"

Cristina squirmed, not accustomed to being in the hot seat about personal matters, so she turned the tables. "Have you decided yet? Derek or Finn?"

Meredith made a face. "I'm thinking about it."

"Thinking?" Cristina mocked.

"Yeah! Thinking!" Meredith teased back.

X

George didn't see Callie until it was too late to walk away. So he took a deep breath and walked up to the nurse's station purposefully.

"Hey," he said unsteadily.

"Hey." She glanced up.

"I was just, um… wondering if you… wanted to get a drink with me after work tonight."

"I'm on call tonight," Callie answered. "Excuse me." She brushed past him.

"Callie! Callie, come on!" George gave an exasperated sigh. He was making an effort with Callie, he really was, but… she was making it so difficult! He waited a minute longer, then followed after her.

X

Cristina peered around the corner. Burke's room was right down the hall. It wouldn't be so bad. She would just pop in, see how he was doing and then… Then what? She didn't want to know how he was doing. Not really. What if it was bad news? What if his hand wasn't getting better, what if it was only getting worse? What did that mean for him? What did that mean for her?

"So are you going in there or not?"

Cristina turned to face Karev, who was coming down the hallway. "Oh, I'm going in," she said proudly.

"So do it then," Alex said.

"Hey, um, when did my personal life become your business?" Cristina snapped. "Oh wait, it's not! I'll go in when I'm ready, Karev."

She rolled her eyes and walked past Burke's room. There was no rule that said she had to visit him today. She didn't have to--

George passed her and she called out, "Hey, how's the Top Chef doing?"

"Excuse me?"

"Izzie. Mer told me she's on some baking kick or something, how is she?"

"She's…" George struggled for the truth. "…baking. She's baking."

"Has she said anything about--"

"Yang!" Bailey's voice made the two interns jump. "When I tell you to report to ortho, you report to ortho. Do you see the orthopedic ward in the middle of this hallway?"

"No, Dr. Bailey," Cristina answered, looking down.

"Good, well at least you've got some sense. O'Malley, come with me."

"Yeah, but I, um…" Bailey fixed him with her trademark glare. He spluttered, "Cristina, if you see Callie, I'm looking for her," and hurried after Bailey.

X

"Can I tell you something?" Addison asked Callie suddenly. They were taking a quick coffee break and there was no one else in the room.

"Yeah, sure," Callie muttered, adding creamer, thinking it was nothing serious.

Addison took a breath. "I'm pregnant."

Callie nearly dropped the creamer. She choked on a gasp of amazement and then squealed, "Oh my God! Ahhh! Oh my God!" She yanked her friend into a powerful hug. "Oh my God, I'm so happy for you!"

Addison smiled, a genuine, happy smile. "Thank you."

"Have you told Der--" Callie stopped short, remembering what she had seen in that exam room the night of prom.

There was a tense moment between them before Addison answered, "Yeah. Yeah, I told Derek and… don't worry, I know what happened."

"Oh, good," Callie breathed. "Well, I mean, not _good, _obviously, but… ah… so, what did he say?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well… are you guys… staying together?"

Addison took a shaky breath. "I don't… know. He's deciding. And I want him to make his decision for the right reasons, even if it isn't the decision I want him to make."

Callie looked at her friend with newfound respect. "Wow," she said quietly. "Good for you, Addie. Good for you. Not many people would say that."

Addison shrugged. She wasn't playing the hero here, she was being honest. She would rather Derek left her than stay with her just because he felt like he had to. "We'll see how it all works out then, I guess."

Callie smiled reassuringly and squeezed Addison's hand. "You're going to be a wonderful mother."

Addison blinked back tears of gratitude.

X

"Dr. Shepherd, here's the CT for Tina Schwartz, the headache lady," Meredith said, handing him the scan and their patient's folder.

Derek took it, studying the scans. "Yup, there it is. Subdural hematoma."

"Should I schedule the surgery?"

"Yeah, book an OR, we want to get this out as soon as possible." Looking at the patient's chart, Derek mumbled to himself, "Three surgeries in the past 18 months."

Meredith moved closer to look. "All brain surgeries?"

"No, look. Appendectomy last June, removal of a benign tumor in the left breast in November and a c-section just two months ago."

"She just had a baby?" Meredith asked in concern. "Wow. This poor woman."

"Her poor husband," Derek countered.

Meredith cocked her head at him. "Well, he's stayed with her this long. You saw him in there. He's standing by her."

"Yeah, but did you see his face when we ordered the CT? He's worn out. I'd be surprised if he sticks this out, once we break the news."

Meredith gave him a mysterious challenging smile. "We'll see."

Derek looked into her face, her beautiful, honest face… "Meredith--" he began.

"I know," she interrupted, and for a moment he feared the worst. "Prom. I just… I need time to think, Derek. So much… happened that night and I think I'm just trying to take it all in."

He nodded, understanding, relieved. "I need some time to think too," he said honestly.

"Okay."

"Thinking."

"Thinking," Meredith repeated, and she smiled up to her eyes.

X

George O'Malley was everyone's favorite guy. The nice one, the sweet one, the one that your parents loved. The one that everyone felt a little sorry for but didn't mind approaching with their problems. George will know what to do.

George had no idea what to do. His best friend had just lost a fiancé and was baking muffins for 18 hours a day. What do you say to that? He was a surgeon; he helped cut people open every day and fixed their hearts, their lungs, their kidneys. He helped them live again. So saying the right thing to his grieving best friend shouldn't be that hard, right?

"O'Malley, are those labs doing themselves?" George flinched and looked up. God, that woman was everywhere!

"No, Dr. Bailey."

"Then why aren't you doing them?"

George looked down and got back to work, expecting the shadow of his resident to disappear above him. It did not.

"Dr. O'Malley. I asked you a question."

Nervously, he glanced up into Bailey's face. He was surprised at how exhausted she looked, how worn down. If the past week had been rough on him, it must have been impossible on Bailey.

"I'm sorry, Dr. Bailey, I just got distracted," George answered quietly.

Bailey's lips dipped down into a frown and her voice was deathly quiet. "O'Malley, I know things haven't been… normal around here lately. But that does not mean you get to slack off. That does not mean you get to have chit-chat with Yang in the hallway whenever you feel like it. Am I making myself clear?"

"Yes, Dr. Bailey." He couldn't look her in the eye.

"Dr. O--" She stopped and sighed. "George." His head snapped up. She'd never called him by his first name before. "Hang in there," Bailey said quietly. "By God, hang in there."

Before George had time to thank her, Addison had caught her attention.

"Dr. Bailey! Can I speak with you for a moment?"

"Yes, what is it?" George thought he detected a note of weariness in her voice.

"Um, I need a consult."

"Addison, I've got an appy in half an hour and I'm assisting the Chief in open-heart surgery this afternoon, I think you can do a consult on one of your own patients."

"It's… it's not for a patient, Miranda, it's for me." Something in her voice made George glance up over the counter.

"You been squatting in the woods again?" Bailey asked. George had no idea what that meant but he kept listening anyway.

"No, actually I haven't," Addison answered. She looked behind her and pulled Bailey away from the counter. George couldn't be sure, but he could have sworn he thought he saw Addison mouth the words, "I'm pregnant."

He heard Bailey loud and clear. "You're _what_?"

Addison made a face and gestured for her to quiet down, then repeated what she'd said before. This time, George was positive he'd seen correctly.

X

"How's--"

"If one more person asks me how Izzie is, I am going to lose it!" George snapped.

Alex looked slightly taken aback but more amused at George's outburst. "Ok, sorry…"

"She's baking," Meredith answered.

"And that means…"

"It means they don't really want to talk about it, so shut up," Cristina said, sitting down with them at a table in the cafeteria.

"Someone's crabby today," Alex said, making a face.

"Someone's gonna kick your ass in a minute if you don't--"

"Guys!" Meredith admonished. But before she could settle them down, her pager went off. George thought he saw a smile dance in the corner of her mouth and she said, "Sorry, have to go prep a patient for surgery."

Cristina gawked through a mouthful of salad, "You're scrubbing in?"

"Yup," Meredith said, gloating for a moment. "Craniotomy. Removing a subdural hematoma."

"Bitch!" Cristina threw her fork onto the table, exasperated.

"That's my name, don't wear it out." She grabbed her tray and left the table in an unusually good mood.

Under her breath, Cristina grumbled, "Yeah, maybe if my boyfriend was in any condition to operate, I'd get to scrub in too."

"Don't get all emotional there, Yang," Alex mocked.

Cristina turned slowly to face him. "Karev, I have had it up to here with you today--"

"You didn't even want to visit him," Alex continued.

"Guys?" George asked.

"I am totally not above throwing you down right now--" Cristina threatened.

"Guys…"

"Go ahead," Alex taunted. "Do it, I dare you."

"Bring it on." Cristina shoved her chair back from the table.

"Guys!" George shouted, and Alex and Cristina stopped their argument to stare at him. So did people from a few other tables. "Sorry…" George mumbled. "Guys, I need your advice."

"Okay, Bambi, this is so not the time--" Cristina began.

"It's about Meredith," George interrupted. "And I know we all have our problems with each other but I think we can agree that Meredith deserves to be happy so I want you to listen." He paused, expecting a protest, but just received stunned looks so he went on. "If you--hypothetically--heard some information that might be harmful to one of your friends… like, it might hurt them… a lot… But they should know it anyway… would you tell them?"

"What are we talking about here?" Cristina asked.

"I heard…" George struggled with his words, "I overheard a conversation that leads me to believe that Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd might be pregnant."

Alex narrowed his eyes in confusion. "_Might_ be pregnant?"

"Well, I didn't actually hear her say it, I just read her lips, but from the way Bailey reacted I'm almost positive--"

"Almost positive?"

"Guys, I know how this sounds. But I saw her say it. She _is _pregnant."

"And McDreamy just had sex with Meredith…" Cristina said, beginning to piece together the dilemma George had been grappling with all morning. "Do you think he knew his wife was pregnant when he and Meredith--"

"I don't know," George sighed. "I don't know, and I don't know whether or not we should tell her."

"Well I'm not going to tell her," Cristina said immediately.

"Why not, if anyone tells her it should be you," Karev argued. "You're her best friend."

"Since when did best friend and bearer of bad news become synonymous?"

"Guys, cut it out," George said sharply. "We've got to figure out what to do about this. Someone has to tell her."

A silence fell over the lunch table. Eyes shifted from one person to the next, waiting for someone to come up with an answer. Finally Alex said, "Rock paper scissors?"

X

"Dr. Shepherd. Dr. Shepherd!"

Derek jumped out of his thoughts and found the Chief staring at him worriedly. "Chief. Sorry, what do you need?"

"I need you to be well-rested for these surgeries," Richard answered, gesturing to the OR board in front of them. "Are you feeling all right?"

"I'm fine."

The Chief didn't buy it. "You're sure."

Derek sighed. "Can I ask your advice about something not medically-related?"

"Of course," Richard agreed, and led his employee and friend into a nearby exam room. "What's wrong?"

"Addison's pregnant." He just said it. Got it over with. _No anesthesia. _

Richard blinked a couple of times, then said, "Congratulations. But… you and Grey…"

"I slept with her. At prom. Before I knew about Addison. And now…"

The Chief nodded. "You have to choose."

"I have to choose," Derek repeated grimly, voicing his fate. He was quiet for a few moments, before meeting his friend's eyes and asking helplessly, "What do I do?"

Richard shook his head. "Derek, this is your decision."

"What would you do?"

They both paused; they already knew the answer to that. "Do you regret what you did?" Derek amended his question.

The Chief sighed; he could handle tough diagnoses and groundbreaking medical questions, but when it came to matters of his personal life, he was at a loss. "I… wonder how things would be different. Sometimes. But… no. I do not regret it."

Derek nodded. After a minute, he said quietly. "I love the way Addison and I used to be together, and I feel like… maybe this baby can help us get that back. But… I also love Meredith."

The Chief nodded. "I understand. I understand…"

X

"These damn interns, I swear," Bailey muttered to herself as she ushered Addison into an exam room. "They're going to be the death of me."

"Yeah, you and me both," Addison chuckled a little self-deprecatingly.

"How explicit do I need to be? How--Do they need me to hold their incapable little hands every step of the way? What did I--at _any _time, did I give them _any _indication that it was okay to cut a patient's LVAD wire? Who put that idiotic idea into their heads?"

"Well you're not… blaming yourself, are you?"

"Well who else is there to blame? I'm their resident, I'm in charge of every move they make in this hospital, I should have--"

"Miranda!" Addison cut her friend off. "There was no way you could have prevented this. Izzie Stevens is headstrong and impulsive and too attached to her patients, and nothing you can do is going to change that about her. But because of the medicine _you_ taught her, because of the things she learned from you, she was able to keep Denny Duquette alive long enough for him to get a new heart. Because of the things she learned from you, she fixed her own mistake and saved someone's life."

"Temporarily," Bailey pointed out.

"Your interns are better doctors because of you," Addison insisted.

"Well that's all fine and dandy," Bailey sighed. "But are they better people? I don't know. I don't know…"

X

"Is that her husband up there?" Derek asked. He glanced up into the gallery from where he and Meredith were removing the hematoma from Tina Schwartz's brain. Her husband, Vaughn, stood against the glass, watching every move hopefully.

"Yup," Meredith answered with a smile, even though he couldn't see it from behind the surgical mask. "He stuck around. I knew he would."

"I guess he realized that you should stay with the people you love, even when the going gets tough," Derek said, more to himself than to her. "Just stick it out a little bit longer."

Meredith looked up at him, confused. He'd been acting strangely all day. It could be the Izzie thing. Everyone was kind of shocked about that. He was probably just distracted about… what had happened at prom. It was a tough decision to make.

"You okay?" she asked quietly, so that no one else could hear.

Derek glanced over at her; it was only for a second. But she caught it because his eyes were the only part of his face that she could see clearly. Everything else was covered to ensure the cleanest possible conditions for surgery. But his eyes were there. They were so consuming that for a moment, a tiny moment, they were her world. They were deep, so deep, so honest, so… perfect. God, he was perfect. She loved him. She loved him so much. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, as scary as that sounded. But she wanted scary if it was going to be with him.

"I'm fine," Derek answered back softly.

Maybe it was because she was still coming down from the high she'd gotten looking into his eyes. But she didn't notice the helplessness in his voice when he'd said that simple sentence, the words she herself used so many times when she meant just the opposite. She didn't notice, and together, they stitched their patient back up. And everybody was fine.

X

"How far along do you think you are?" Bailey asked.

Addison thought back. "It can't be any more than eight weeks, but I'm really not sure. Judging from the symptoms I've been having--morning sickness, mood swings, beginnings of cravings--I'd say it's probably somewhere around six weeks."

"I'll do an ultrasound sometime this week so we can know for sure. And you know the vitamins you need, the precautions you should be taking…"

"Yes," Addison said quietly.

"Have you told your husband about this baby, Addison?" Bailey asked softly.

"He found out a few days ago."

"And you've decided to keep it."

"Yes."

"Are you two staying together?"

Addison gave a shaky sigh. "Derek said he'd think about it, and I'm giving him his space. I want him to make the right decision. He said he wants our baby to grow up with a father. He wants to be there for the baby…"

Bailey caught the implied meaning at the end of the sentence and voiced it. "But…"

Addison's voice caught in her throat. "But… is that what marriage is, Miranda? A… convenience, a choice to stay together because it's what's best for our baby? Isn't marriage supposed to be about love? That was why Derek and I got married. And I thought it was stupid at the time, not waiting until we had a solid income and could afford somewhere nice to live… but now I'm not so sure. I mean, at this point, how are we still together? I cheated, he cheated, we took couples counseling, it got us nowhere… then I got pregnant, then he slept with Meredith again… is this what marriage is, Miranda?"

"Honey, women all over the world ask themselves that question every day. I can't make that choice for you. But in the end, this marriage isn't about what's best for your child. It's about what's best for you and your husband." She placed a comforting hand on her friend's knee.

Addison nodded slowly, wiping a tear away before it crept down her cheek. "I know… I know."

"Addison, I don't know if I even have the right to be asking this, but does Meredith Grey know about this baby?"

"I…" Addison was stung by the remark but stammered, "Derek said he would tell her about it."

"Has he?"

"I don't know…" She choked on a sob. "I don't know anything anymore, Miranda, I don't--" She was interrupted by the harsh beeping of her pager. "I'm sorry. I have to go. Um, thank you, Miranda." She brushed past her quickly.

Bailey sighed. It was one thing seeing a patient in turmoil. It was another to see a friend in the same situation. She began to clean up the exam room and noticed that Addison had forgotten to take with her the vitamins she'd recommended, as well as the pills for morning sickness.

"Uh, nurse?" Bailey called into the next room.

"Yes, Dr. Bailey?" Olivia, the red-haired nurse stuck her head through the door.

"Make sure these get to Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd," Bailey ordered.

X

"What are you doing tonight?" Derek asked as they walked towards the elevators together.

Meredith smiled at him sidelong. "Why?"

"Because I'd like to talk to you about something."

"Okay." She wasn't dumb. She had sensed that there was something he'd needed to say all day. "Then I'm free."

"Good," Derek smiled. "Want to go to--"

Meredith's pager cut the conversation short. She winced. "Sorry. Your wife is paging me."

"Meet me at Joe's?"

"See you there."

"Okay." Derek reached over and gave her hand a squeeze, and then climbed onto the elevator.

Meredith couldn't help but let a smile creep across her lips. She walked down the hall to Addison's office, the only logical place she thought the surgeon would be at this time of night. Coming around a corner, she almost collided with Olivia, the nurse George--and Alex--had had a brief relationship with.

"Sorry, Dr. Grey," Olivia apologized quickly.

"It's okay."

"Have you seen Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd?" Olivia asked, looking a little frazzled. "I've been looking everywhere for her…"

"She actually just paged me, I'm on my way to see her now."

Olivia slid the two pill bottles into Meredith's hand. "Great, could you give these to her, please?"

Meredith looked down at the bottles in confusion, up at Olivia, and back down again. She'd read them wrong. That had to be it. "For which patient?"

The nurse's expression matched her own. "They're… not for a patient. They're for Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd."

X

"I think not telling her was the right choice," George reassured himself. "Don't you?"

"Yeah, whatever…" Cristina mumbled. She was just glad she didn't have to be the one to tell her.

"It was the right choice," George said firmly. "It was the right choice…"

"Is it all right if I come inside to see Izzie?" Cristina asked as she pulled up outside Meredith's house.

George shrugged. "I guess. Just don't say anything… insensitive."

Cristina gave him a look. "Insensitive?"

"Well, you're kind of an insensitive person."

She snorted. "Look Bambi, I know I don't have the nicest bedside manner in the world, but with me, what you see is what--"

"Don't call me Bambi," George interrupted. "Please."

Cristina looked confused. "What?"

"I'm tired of being 'good old George.' Everybody's crutch, everybody's shrink, and I'm tired of being called names. Bambi. Double-oh-seven. Okay? Thank you."

He got out of the car and walked up to the house slowly. Cristina stayed in her seat, hands glued to the wheel in shock. George was… sticking up for himself? She knew she was a bit harsh on him, but that was just because he was an easy target. Besides, she was harsh on everybody. It wasn't something she should worry about.

Cristina locked up her car and went inside. No, she wouldn't worry about it.

X

The familiar smell that filled Meredith's nostrils when she opened the door to Joe's was anything but welcoming. She felt like her stomach would come out of her mouth at any moment. Spotting Derek at the bar, she approached him.

"Hey, glad you made it, I was getting worried," he said genially.

Meredith dropped the two pill bottles on the bar and they landed with a rattle and a dull thud that matched the beating of her heart. "These are for your wife."

Then she turned and walked back out the door before he could say anything.

_Usually when you have a problem, you don't want to tell anybody. You just want to keep it inside and be all miserable by yourself. But sometimes, it just comes out._

"Hey."

Izzie Stevens looked up over the pile of muffins on the island in the kitchen. Meredith was standing there, her eyes red-rimmed, looking exhausted.

"Hey. We're out of eggs," Izzie said simply.

Meredith had to smile just a little bit. "I figured."

"How was…" Izzie trailed off, realizing that she didn't actually care how anyone's day had gone. Not if they were just going to smile and say, "Oh, it was fine."

Meredith sat down at the table and poured herself a glass of tequila. Izzie joined her. They sat in silence for a moment, wonderful, glorious silence. Both knew the other was upset but they respected that and kept their distance. After a few more gulps of the golden liquid, Meredith cleared her throat.

"Addison's pregnant."

Izzie's expression didn't change, she didn't reach a sympathetic hand across the table like she normally would have; she didn't instantly gush apologetic platitudes. But her eyes looked so honest, so true, that Meredith had no choice but to believe her when she said, "I am so sorry."

Meredith sighed. "Yeah. Me too."

Izzie poured her own glass of tequila and they drank together in silence.

_You know that saying, misery loves company? Well, it's the truth. _

"Mer?" She heard Cristina call her name down the hallway.

"What's Cristina doing here?" she asked Izzie.

"Dropping George off."

"Mer, somebody's here for you," Cristina said, sticking her head in the kitchen.

Meredith looked up slowly, her eyes a tad unfocused from the tequila. "What?" Her voice was tired, like she'd just worked a 48 hour shift.

"There's… somebody here that wants to talk to you," Cristina said slowly. She couldn't use the tone they were supposed to use with patients. Meredith knew what it sounded like. She would recognize it and sense that something was wrong. She had to make it sound like this visitor was no different than any other. "You don't have to go if you don't want to," she finished, figuring it was the least she could offer. Her friend shook her head and rose from the kitchen table.

Meredith walked into the hallway and stopped short when she saw Derek there.

_And sometimes, we're just so miserable that without realizing it, we hurt the people we love the most._


	3. Chapter 3

**I had to split this one in two. Hope you enjoy, and please review. Thanks :)**

_When I was younger, I had this book called The Human Body. In it were pictures of the body systems, the bones, the muscle groups. Every night before I went to bed I would read over the names of each bone, each muscle, each organ and its role in the body. Then, when I got up in the morning, I would repeat them out loud to see how much I remembered. Tibia and fibula. Radius and ulna. Carpals, metacarpals and phalanges. Sometimes I repeated the names to myself when I heard my parents fighting, to drown them out. But also to remind myself that even if I felt like I was falling apart, my bones were still holding me together._

"I need to talk to you," he said quietly. "Meredith--"

"When were you going to tell me, Derek?" she cut him off and didn't give him a chance to answer. "Am I really not worth a quick conversation--"

His eyes were filled with emotion. Those eyes that she knew so well. Those bedroom eyes. "Meredith, listen to me, I was going to tell you tonight at Joe's, I wanted to tell you--"

"Then why didn't you, Derek?" she asked, her voice breaking. "Why didn't you?"

"Because I couldn't bear to see the look on your face when you found out, all right? Because I didn't want to hurt you again. Because I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

Meredith's heart caught in her throat. It was exhilarating and terrifying to hear him say those things about her. She pulled self-consciously on the sleeves of her green shirt and dug her nails into her palms, thinking of something she could say to defend herself, to distract herself from the end that she knew was coming. "All those times we were together today, bumping into each other in the hallway, in the OR… all those times you could have told me and you didn't."

"Meredith, I love you," Derek said simply, moving toward her, but she backed away. "And sometimes we keep things from the people we love because we don't want to hurt them. It doesn't make it right. It doesn't mean I don't care about you. I care about you more than--"

"Stop it!" Meredith cried, her eyes unable to contain her tears any longer. "Just stop it! Just get to the part where you tell me you're staying with Addison!"

He stumbled backward a few steps like she'd slapped him.

"Well of course you are," she croaked hoarsely, pathetically. "She's your wife and she's having your baby, what the hell else are you supposed to do?"

"Meredith, I need to explain--"

"No you don't. I get it. It makes sense. Sleep with me one more time at prom, get one more cheap thrill out of me before settling down and raising a baby--" She stopped talking; there were no more words to say, but mostly she stopped because she knew she would start sobbing if she kept going.

"No!" Derek insisted passionately, and he reached out for her but she pulled away. "Meredith, I swear I didn't know that Addison was pregnant when I slept with you at prom. I promise you. I found out a couple of days ago. But… yes, I am staying with her. We decided that it would be best for the baby to grow up with both parents." His eyes were rimmed with red and he looked exhausted.

"Please go," Meredith said quietly. All the fight had left her body, she just felt empty now, now that he had said it. She just wanted it to be over.

"I don't want to leave you like this." His voice sounded strained, tired, worried, a thousand things she wanted to believe he felt.

"Just leave, please."

Derek sighed quietly. "Goodbye, Meredith." He closed the door behind him.

X

"They probably know that we could hear every word they said, don't they?" Cristina asked.

"Yeah," Izzie said quietly.

"I mean, I'm not going to say anything about it, because… that would be insensitive, right?" She paused, chewing absently on a fingernail. "I'm not insensitive, am I?"

"What are you talking about?" Izzie's eyes remained unfocused, staring off into space.

"Just because I don't grieve in the same way other people do--that doesn't mean I'm insensitive, right? I mean, if I don't want to visit my boyfriend right away, I don't have to, right?"

"No," Izzie said quietly. "No, you don't have to." Finally, her gaze shifted to Cristina. "But you should. Because you could wake up tomorrow morning and he could be gone. And he wouldn't know that you wanted to visit him. He wouldn't know what you wanted to say. And it would be kind of insensitive of you to deny him that."

Cristina recognized her faux pas in an instant. "Izzie, I--I'm…"

"You know, I'm really tired, I think I'm going to bed," Izzie said quietly. She pushed back from the kitchen table and brushed past Cristina into the hallway. Cristina fumbled helplessly for words and slammed a frustrated hand down on the tabletop.

Izzie walked upstairs and passed George's room, where she could hear him muttering to himself. She passed Meredith's room, where she heard the ends of sniffles and muffled sobs. Then she walked into her room and sat down on the bed. Her room, where she could hear nothing.

X

Derek flipped on the light in the trailer and jumped when he found Addison sitting at the kitchen table eating pickles straight from the jar.

"Jesus!" he muttered, taking a breath. "You scared me."

"Sorry," she apologized through a full mouth. Her red hair was pulled up into a ponytail on top of her head and she was wearing an oversized navy blue t-shirt. After she swallowed, she asked, "Where've you been?"

"I, uh, I wanted to let Meredith know my decision."

The bottom dropped out of her stomach. "Your decision?"

"To…" he sighed objectively, "…stay with you throughout this pregnancy. I'm gonna be there for you, and our baby, because you're my wife, and… I'm going to be here."

Addison expected relief to wash over her instead of dread. She was supposed to be jumping for joy; he'd chosen her, he wanted to stay with her… But that was just it. He didn't want to stay with her. Not really. He'd gone to tell Meredith first. He'd rather tell Meredith that he _wasn't _picking her than tell Addison that he _was _picking her, his wife. Telling Meredith was more important. Meredith was always going to be more important. And now he was staying because she was his wife. Not because he loved her. Not because they'd promised in sickness and in health, not because of till death do us part. Because she was his wife.

This was wrong.

This was the wrong decision for the wrong reasons.

And she could have said that. She should have said all of that and saved them both the unknowable pain that was likely to come. But she didn't. She gave him a half-hearted, closed-lipped, tired smile. She shuffled across the cold trailer floor and pecked him on the lips. He hugged her loosely and she stood there, wondering how she'd gotten here.

How had she gotten here?

X

The alarm went off and the first thought that Meredith Grey had that morning was, _This is okay._ She remembered clearly the events of the night before, and she knew that she could do this. She knew _how _to do this. She knew how to be broken and shattered, scary and damaged, dark and twisty Meredith. This was easy. This was a role she was comfortable playing.

The week before when she had lain beside Izzie on the bathroom floor, Izzie had confessed that she didn't know how to be the sad girl, the mourning lover. Now, as she turned off her alarm and let her head drop back down to her pillow, Meredith realized that she didn't know how to be the happy girl. Even if Derek had picked her, she wouldn't have known what to do with herself. Not to sound pathetic or self-deprecating or anything, but it had been so long since she'd been truly happy, truly comfortable that she'd just forgotten how. At some point, dark and twisty stopped being a state of mind she reverted to when her mother was in a particularly bad mood; it became who she was.

This was Meredith coping. Some people coped by baking muffins. Some people coped by avoidance. She got up, brushed her teeth, took a shower, pulled on a pair of jeans and a clean shirt, knocked on George's door on her way down the hall, and headed to work. She knew that at one time, her toothbrush had not been the only one in her bathroom. She knew that Derek loved the smell of her conditioner. She was sure that at one point her red shirt had lain in a heap on the floor beside one of Derek's button-ups. She was aware of the fact that she and George were the only ones in the car, when at one time there had been another. But she didn't stop.

This was how Meredith did it.

X

Alex cornered her almost immediately when she entered the locker room.

"Mer, if anybody's going to tell me how Izzie's really doing, it's going to be you, now come on."

"What? I don't know," she snipped, flustered and confused. "Where's Cristina?" She needed Cristina, she needed sanity. George had given her the pity eye the whole ride to the ferry and once the whole rest of the hospital found out they would all be looking at her the same way… again. She needed Cristina to toughen her up, to make her laugh, to piss her off, to make her do anything but think. She didn't want to think. Not today. Not about Derek, not about babies, not about… anything.

Alex persisted. "Meredith. Don't give me this crap. How is Izzie? Seriously."

"Seriously, I don't know," she sighed, hanging her purse in her locker. "She wasn't there when I left this morning."

"She wasn't there? Well where the hell was she?" Alex raised his voice loudly and anger flashed in his eyes.

"She probably went to the store to get eggs or milk or something, I don't know…" Meredith shrugged as she pulled her scrub top over her head.

"She went to the drug store," George piped up from his place on the bench. "Needed more shampoo. Didn't you see the note in the kitchen?"

Before either Alex or Meredith could answer, Bailey barged into the locker room. "Rounds!" she barked, and her interns filed out dutifully. Meredith trailed at the end, hopping on one foot while yanking a canvas sneaker onto the other. She stumbled out of the locker room and stopped herself short of running into Derek and Addison, who were walking past, coffee in hand.

"Dr. Grey," Derek said with a nod.

"Hi, Meredith," Addison supplemented.

"Grey!" Bailey snapped from down the hall, and Meredith hurried past them both without a word. "Anybody seen Yang this morning?" their resident continued as Meredith caught up with her breakneck pace.

"Maybe she's visiting Burke," Alex joked with a sneer.

X

"I'm surprised you came to see me this morning," Burke said quietly to Cristina, who sat next to his bed in an armchair. "I'm glad you came to see me this morning."

"Yeah, I, um… I wanted you to know that I wanted to come visit you today, and yesterday, and the day before that. And that I will always try to come see you when I can. And I wanted to say that… I'm here." She paused, gauging his reaction. "I just thought you'd like to know that."

He took her hand in his and squeezed it. "There's someone I'd like you to meet, she'll be here later toda--" A high-pitched beeping cut him off.

"Damn it!" she spat as she looked down at her pager. Meredith. "I'm probably missing rounds right now. Uh, see you later!"

She gave Burke a quick kiss and rushed out of the room.

X

Meredith felt her phone vibrate in the pocket of her lab coat. Glancing up to see if Bailey was looking, she stole a quick glance at her new text message. It was from Finn: Can I meet you at the hospital at noon for lunch?

A tiny pang of guilt hit her stomach. She'd been so scatterbrained about Derek's choice that she hadn't even bothered to contact Finn. She was about to respond back with a yes, but the prospect of meeting him for lunch and talking about relationships just didn't seem ideal at the moment. He was such a nice guy, but she didn't know if she was ready for this right now, after what had just happened… Meredith bit her lip, unable to make a decision and glanced up just as Cristina sprinted down the hallway to join them on rounds.

"Ah, Dr. Yang," Bailey drawled menacingly.

"I'm sorry, I was checking on Dr. Burke--"

"Check on your boyfriend in your own time, Yang. You're in the pit today. Karev, you're with Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd. O'Malley, finish up those post-ops before you do anything else today. And Grey, if you can spare a minute away from your cell phone, you're with Shepherd."

"Oh, Dr. Bailey, um, Shepherd promised me this case," Cristina cut in. Meredith, Alex and George turned to look at her. "He said, uh, that I hadn't been getting enough time in on neuro cases lately and that I should see a wide variety of procedures during my internship--"

"What is the name of the patient, Dr. Yang?" Bailey interrupted.

"I… uh-- I don't know that, Dr. Bailey, because I was visiting my boyfriend this morning instead of reading up on the case."

The interns shifted uncomfortably. Alex gave a nervous laugh, but it was obvious that Cristina was being serious. While shocked with her straightforward answer, Bailey replied mercilessly, "Which is why you shouldn't be on the case."

"Please," Cristina insisted. George visibly winced; there was no way this was going to end well. "Please, Dr. Bailey, I would really, really like to be on the neuro case with Shepherd. Please."

Bailey shook her head in disbelief at her intern and threw her hands up. "Fine. I don't care what you do. Run the whole damn hospital, why don't you. Grey, cover the pit."

"What is going on?" Meredith asked as she hurried off down the hall with George.

"Isn't it obvious? She took that case from you so you wouldn't have to work with Shepherd," George said quietly.

"I know that. But I'm asking _why _she did it. I mean, this is Cristina we're talking about here."

"She's…" George almost stopped walking when it hit him. "She's not being insensitive."

X

A stack of paperwork almost a foot high sat on the table in front of George O'Malley. There had been a lot to think about lately and he'd been putting post-ops and other things to the wayside… and now it was all catching up to him. So he was stuck in a conference room until it was done. As long as no one bothered him…

_Knock knock_. "Hey."

George looked up and saw Callie standing in the doorway, her hands stuffed in her coat pockets. "I'm kinda busy," he said quietly.

"George, I'm sorry," Callie blurted out. "I'm sorry about how I treated you yesterday and… I suck, okay? I'm sorry."

He glanced back up at her, still not sure what she wanted. "Okay…"

"I need to ask you a favor," she continued, reading his mind. He didn't respond, so she winced and said, "The Chief found out that I'm kind of living in the basement, so… I was wondering…" She raised an eyebrow and shrugged a shoulder, hoping he would get her point without making her come out and say it.

"You want to move in," George stated, not really sure how he felt about it. "Um, well I'll have to ask Meredith first, since it is kind of her house, and see if it's ok with Izzie, cause, you know, she lives there too--"

"You know what, forget it," Callie cut him off. "Just forget it, okay George? Forget it."

"Callie?"

Her big brown eyes were raw with emotion and full of tears. "I thought that maybe, just maybe, you could make this one decision about us on your own without checking for approval from your friends first. I guess not." She slammed the door behind her when she left.

George looked after her in disbelief.

X

Meredith tied the strings of the yellow gown tight behind her waist and joined Bailey outside the ER, waiting for the ambulances.

"Are you going to tell me why you let Yang take that neuro case from you or am I going to have to find out myself? Because I am not going to be happy when I find out why," Bailey asked immediately.

Meredith, a little shocked and affronted, fumbled wordlessly and was saved a few seconds later by the wailing of the sirens.

"What have we got?" Bailey demanded as the EMTs threw open the ambulance doors and rolled out a moaning woman on a gurney.

"Woman, 32, with severe 2nd degree and some 3rd degree burns on both legs and the lower torso. Possible broken leg also, but we're not sure, there's too much burned flesh to be able to get a clear look. Heart rate's 182, BP's 90 over 30."

"Okay, trauma one," Bailey instructed.

Meredith grabbed hold of the gurney and rushed it inside with the help of a couple other EMTs.

"Please!" the woman cried out and grabbed on to Meredith's arm. "Please, you have to save my daughter!"

"Was she in the ambulance with you?" Meredith asked, trying as always to stay calm when the patient was so hysterical.

"No, she's… she's inside of me…" the woman mumbled.

"What?" Meredith asked frantically as she steered the gurney around a corner.

"I'm pregnant," the woman whispered.

X

"Dr. Yang, what do you see?" Derek asked as he put up his patient's CT.

"Aneurysm near the frontal lobe," Cristina repeated like an automaton.

"Uh huh. And how would you proceed?"

"Remove the mass as soon as possible. In his unstable condition it could rupture any minute, which would cause a bleed-out and almost instant death."

"Good. Book an OR please." He handed her the scans, and as she was about to walk out the door, he called, "Oh, Dr. Yang?"

Damn it, she thought she'd escaped. "Yes, sir?"

"Is there some reason why you're on my service this morning?"

Cristina's stomach lurched. This was the question she had been waiting for. She could analyze CTs all day but answering this was different. "I'm sorry?"

"You weren't scheduled to work with neuro this morning, Dr. Yang. Dr. Grey was."

Cristina sighed. Honesty, at this point, was the best policy if she was going to be working with him all day, and if she wanted to scrub in to remove the aneurysm. "That's why I'm on your service this morning, sir," she replied.

"Bailey let you do this?" Derek challenged.

"Yes," Cristina answered. It wasn't a lie.

"Okay," Derek said slowly. "Please prep Mr. Frederickson for surgery, Dr. Yang."

"Yes, sir." Cristina took a deep breath as he left the room. She didn't mind putting herself out on a limb for Mer, but if things kept up like this she wasn't going to get to scrub in on this case… or possibly on any neuro case. Ever.

X

"Amy, right now the burns on your torso are too severe for me to get an accurate look at your baby, but in a few days when the pain has subsided and we've assessed the extent of the damage, I will be able to let you know."

Meredith stood apprehensively across from Addison, dressing the young woman's burns in gauze. Alex was doing the same on the other leg.

"Is is at all possible that she could still be alive?" the woman, Amy, asked, tears streaming silently down her chapped cheeks. She tried to place a comforting hand on her stomach, but she cried out in pain when she touched the burns there.

Addison sighed. "It is… possible. How far into term are you?"

"I just started my second trimester," Amy sniffed.

"Okay, well, like I said, we won't be able to tell you anything for a couple of days. Right now we're concerned with taking care of those burns, all right?" The woman nodded. "Dr. Karev and Dr. Grey are going to take good care of you. Page me if you need anything," she told the interns.

Addison walked over to Bailey, who was restocking a shelf full of intubation tubes.

"That's something, isn't it?" she asked. "I need to get a look at the baby but there's no telling how severe those burns are and until someone gets a closer look at them, I don't want to put her in more pain." Bailey was unusually quiet. "Who's going to look at her burns, by the way?" Addison asked.

"I, uh, I heard the Chief called somebody in to take a look at her," Bailey answered, not meeting Addison's eyes.

"Miranda? Who did the Chief call?" Dread was forming in the pit of her stomach for reasons she couldn't articulate.

"I… um… I heard he called Mark Sloan."

_I've done it every now and then since I was a kid. It helps, sometimes, to know that you're still intact, that you haven't completely fallen away, that you're still together. Even if it doesn't seem that way. Carpals, metacarpals, phalanges…_


	4. Chapter 4

**Okay. Crossover. Unhappy with the ending. This is me coping. Haha. Jk, it wasn't bad. I just... wish it had ended differently... more... happily. lol.  
Thank you all so much for your wonderful reviews, I hope you all like this one just as much!!**

_It's like that song we used to sing when we were little. The hip bone's connected to the leg bone, the leg bone's connected to the foot bone…_

Addison blinked a couple of times. "I… um… Mark's coming _here_? Are you sure?"

"Does this sound like something I would make up?" Bailey challenged.

"No--it's just--"

"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd!" Karev shouted suddenly, yanking her thoughts back to the present. "She's coding!"

Addison was there in a second, feeling for a pulse. Nothing. She stood there, her heart racing. If this woman didn't make it, there would be no need for a plastic surgeon to look at her burns…

"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd? Should we defibrillate?" asked Meredith, who was already ready with the paddles.

"Um…" Her brain was screaming; she just needed time, she just needed to think!

Meredith and Alex exchanged a helpless look across the table and Meredith nodded, taking the situation into her own hands.

"Charging at two hundred… Charged."

Meredith placed the paddles on the patient's chest. There was the jolt, but the woman still remained motionless.

"Three hundred?" Meredith asked, ready to charge again.

"No!" Addison instructed sharply; the jolt had stirred her into action. "No, any higher and we risk damage to the baby. He's still unstable and wouldn't be able to handle the strain."

Meredith furrowed her brow. "I've… never heard--"

"Dr. Grey!" Addison snapped. "Do you want to send this baby into fetal distress? Then I suggest you put those paddles down and get the hell off this case. Now."

"I… I'm sorry… I just thought--" Meredith stammered.

"Yeah, well next time _don't_," Addison snarled.

Meredith nodded and put the defibrillator back, hurrying to look for another patient.

Addison took a deep breath, then asked Alex, "Still no pulse?"

"No," Alex answered slowly, still surprised by the exchange that had just taken place.

Addison's own heart was beating enough for her and the patient. "Okay," she said quietly, stepping back from the bed. "Intubate and keep ventilating, if she doesn't have a heartbeat in fifteen minutes, call it. Excuse me."

Her legs propelled her body of their own accord, pulling her down the hall; she only knew that she had to get away, far away… She ducked into a supply closet and slammed the door behind her.

Addison drew in shaking, raspy breaths, pressing her cheek against the cool wood of the door. Had she just killed a woman? Because she didn't want to face the man who'd made her an adulterer, had she just made a decision that would determine whether or not a woman would live or die?

X

"Hey," Alex called as he approached Meredith, who was suturing a young girl's forehead. "What the hell was that about?"

"I don't know," Meredith huffed.

"Come on, what did you do to piss off the She-Shepherd?"

"Nothing!" Meredith snapped. "I didn't do anything, okay?"

"Really?" Alex pressed. "Then why did you let Yang take that neuro case?"

"Don't you have something to do?" Meredith retorted. "Vaginas to poke around in or something?"

"Hey, watch it," Alex said with a goofy smile as he pointed to the girl Meredith was stitching up.

Meredith winced. "Sorry," she apologized to the girl.

"It's okay. My brother says that all the time."

Meredith smirked.

The girl looked her in the eyes. "So what did you do to that doctor with the red hair? She seemed pretty upset."

X

"Okay, quick question," Callie said, walking up to Addison, who was filling out some paperwork at the nurse's station. "If your boyfriend doesn't want you to move in with him, that means he's losing interest, right?"

Addison considered this. "Not necessarily. It could be a lot of things. Stress from other places, peer pressure, space issues--"

"Bitchy roommates," Callie supplied, sighing. "I guess it's not George's fault."

"Quick question," Addison asked, taking her turn. "If you heard that an old flame--say, the man you committed adultery with--was coming to town, you would want to keep him away, right?"

Callie tilted her head. "Are you talking about Mark?"

Addison sighed. "I don't know what I'm talking about. But I think I might have killed a patient in the ER this morning so that Mark wouldn't have to come give her life-saving plastic surgery."

Callie winced. "You killed someone?"

"Well, no, I didn't actually _kill_ her," Addison defended herself. "But what if I, hypothetically, withheld defibrillation and she _might _die?"

"Why do you want to keep Mark away?" Callie asked, hitting the more important question.

Addison fiddled with the glasses tucked into her breast pocket. "I don't know, it's… it's hard to explain. I mean, I'm pregnant with Derek's child and he's here and Mark's here… it would just be weird."

"Why would that be weird?" Callie questioned slowly.

Addison tried to make her friend understand. "Ok, think of it this way. If you and George had a--"

"Bad example."

"Listen. If you and George were going to have a baby together, you wouldn't want all your ex-boyfriends showing up here to check it out, right?"

"Actually I would," Callie laughed. "I'd be all 'Ooh look what you passed up! Too late now suckers!' Besides, guys dig pregnant chicks."

"Yeah," Addison sighed. "That's what I'm afraid of."

Callie shook her head. "Okay, am I missing something here--"

"Okay," Addison interrupted, and took a shaky sigh. "Okay, I'm going to tell you something and you're not going to judge me."

Callie gave a solemn nod. "Yeah, sure, what's up?"

X

"And she told you to get off the case, just like that?" Cristina asked, incredulous.

"Yeah," Meredith replied. "I mean she was my patient, I pulled her out of the freaking ambulance. Addison was just there because she was pregnant, and she couldn't even get a good look at the baby because of all the burn damage. So what did I do to her? It's not like Derek is leaving _her_, it's not like _she_ has anything to be jealous about."

"She kicked you off the case." Cristina shook her head, still disbelieving.

"Yup. Second time it's happened today actually…" Meredith said glibly, glancing sidelong at her friend.

"Okay, if you're talking about taking that neuro case you were supposed to be on this morning, I was doing you a favor," Cristina defended.

"I appreciate it, but I really don't need you to. I don't want you to. It makes it look like I'm hiding from Derek. And I'm not. I'm perfectly okay with his decision," Meredith insisted.

"'Perfectly okay?'" Cristina mocked. "That was fast."

"Okay, not _perfectly_. But I'm getting there. I'm getting there."

"What are you doing up here, anyway?" Cristina asked suddenly. "I thought you were in the pit all day."

"Yeah, no thanks to you," Meredith teased. "I'm on my lunch br--"

"Meredith!"

She heard her name being called. Cristina grabbed her wrist and hissed, "Don't look now, McVet at twelve o'clock!"

"McWho?"

She turned around and saw Finn approaching, waving a friendly hello. "Finn!" she exclaimed, surprised. "Hey!"

"Meredith, good to see you!" There was an awkward moment as their bodies debated whether or not to hug.

Finally Meredith said, "Hey, I'm sorry I didn't respond to your message, it's been a crazy morning. But I would love to have lunch with you." She smiled.

"Great! I actually know a place that's probably a little classier than the cafeteria, if you have the time."

"I have plenty of time. Let's go! Um, see you, Cristina."

There was another awkward moment as they walked towards the elevators, trying to decide if they should hold hands or not. Meredith settled on looping her arm through his and hoped that this would go well.

X

When Alex showed up in the conference room, George realized he probably should have locked the door. With people coming and going at this rate, he was never going to get this work finished.

"Alex, I don't want to be rude, but I really can't talk right now."

"How's Izzie doing?" Alex asked, ignoring his friend's request. "I heard Bailey say something about her coming back soon."

"Yeah, she's thinking about it," George said, trying to keep the conversation short.

"I also heard that Denny left her a ton of money, like, millions of dollars or something."

"Yeah…"

"Look, O'Malley," Alex said quietly, in a way that made George look him in the eye. "You're not Izzie's only friend. The rest of us are entitled to know how she's doing too. Just because we don't live with her doesn't mean we have any less of a right to know. We all care, all right?"

"Okay, fine…" George conceded. "Didn't realize it was such a big deal… I'll be better about letting you know how she's doing."

"Thank you." There was a pause. "So? How is she doing?"

"Oh! Oh, you want me to tell you now," George realized. "Oh, well, she's… baking. She's baking a lot. Muffins, mostly, although she's broadened her horizons to cookies and loaves of bread. And… she doesn't sleep a lot. Most mornings she's up around 3:30. She doesn't say much, asks me and Meredith how the day went, that's about it. She won't deposit the check from Denny until she figures out what to do with it, and she doesn't cry. I never see her crying. Which could be good, could be bad. I'm not sure. But that's how Izzie's doing. Since you wanted to know."

Alex nodded, now beginning to understand why George and Meredith were so hesitant to talk about Izzie. Because she scared them. Her uncertainty scared them and they didn't want to admit to anyone that they didn't know what was going to happen. And now Alex didn't know what was going to happen either. Izzie was always the one with the answers.

X

"So, are you busy this weekend?" Finn asked as he and Meredith stepped off the elevator.

She shrugged and shook her head. "Working. But, you know… we could always…"

"Dinner?" Finn asked.

"Yeah," Meredith giggled. "Yeah, I'd like that."

Finn grinned. "Great! I'll pick you up Saturday at 8?"

"Sounds perfect."

"Good." He leaned down and kissed her cheek. "Thank you for a wonderful lunch."

"Thank you," Meredith responded. "Really. Thank you, a lot."

"See you Saturday."

"Yep." Meredith turned away, smile on her face. She'd genuinely had a good time. Finn had taken her mind off Derek, at least for the short half-hour they'd spent together. She needed that. She needed someone else to distract her from thinking about him, someone who was removed entirely from the whole situation.

Still smiling, she turned down a stairwell and bumped into Derek. "Oh! Sorry," she apologized before she realized who he was. Then she stopped. Froze. Their hands were on each other's elbows. "Um." She breathed. That was all she could remember how to do. She felt his thumb flick across her forearm and back again, and then he pulled away.

"Sorry, wasn't looking where I was going," he muttered.

The sound of his retreating footsteps shuffling up the stairwell echoed in Meredith's ears. She was still frozen, rooted to the spot. What was it about him that made her feel this way, like she was a little girl and such a woman, all in one indigo glimpse? She shook her head and continued down the stairs. She'd call Finn tonight. They could go out for drinks or something. She didn't care what they did, as long as it put Derek out of her head.

X

"Dr. Grey!" Addison called down the hallway.

Meredith turned around slowly, her stomach twisting itself in knots. "Yes?"

"In here." Addison gestured to an empty exam room and shut the door behind them. "Okay," she began. "You're probably wondering why I snapped at you this morning. So I'm going to tell you." She took a shuddering breath. "I lie in bed at night and wonder if my husband is thinking of you or me. I walk around this hospital, and I wonder which on-call rooms the two of you have christened."

"Addison, I--" Meredith's voice was hoarse, strangled. She felt trapped.

"I want to put his hand over my stomach and say 'I know you can't feel her yet but this is our baby,' but I'm too afraid that he's wishing it was your baby."

"I never meant to--"

"So whatever it is you do, I'm going to ask you--No, I'm going to _beg _you to stop. _Please_. Stop doing whatever it is you do that makes him want you so much more than he wants me. I'm sorry he didn't pick you, because he clearly doesn't want me. Clearly, it's more important to tell you that he's _not _picking you than to tell me that he _is _picking me."

Meredith couldn't breathe. "I don't--I'm not--"

"You're probably a really nice person, Meredith," Addison choked, sounding as constricted as Meredith felt. "And I'm sure you deserve to be happy. But can you please find someone else to be happy with, someone who's not my husband?"

"Okay," Meredith answered solemnly, clenching her chin muscles, forcing herself not to cry. "But just so you know, I don't do anything. I've stayed as far away from him as possible, but when you work together, it's a little difficult to maintain that distance that we'd all like. So, Addison, I think you're a pretty nice person, and I know you deserve to be happy. But if you and Derek are having problems, I think that's something you need to work out between yourselves. This is none of my business." She brushed past Addison towards the door and said with finality, "He picked you. So act like you deserve it."

The door shut with a dull thud.

X

Cristina collapsed in the chair next to George.

"Mama Burke thinks I'm a racist. A slutty racist."

"You're sitting on my paperwork," George said quietly, trying to grab the chart from off the chair. He was so close to being done. He'd worked all day and only had one more left…

"Does this have anything to do with the whole being insensitive thing?" Cristina continued, ignoring him. "I mean, is there like, a direct correlation between sluttiness and insensitivity? What about racism?"

"No, but there is a direct correlation between not doing my job and getting fired," George sighed. "So could you please leave, I'm kind of busy here."

Cristina studied him. "What's the matter with you?"

"Nothing's the matter with me, I'm just… trying to work here. Why, what's wrong, that neuro case you stole from Meredith getting a little boring?"

"Okay, first of all, I didn't _steal _it, and second of all, I did it because I'm not insensitive. She's my best friend, and I'm doing her a favor by saving her from working with McDreamy today. I'm protecting her."

"And you're sure that's how she sees it?" George asked, looking over his report.

"Well, I don't know, we didn't really discuss it while we were painting our nails last night," Cristina mocked.

There was a silence, and finally George put his pen down and turned to her. "I'm sorry I called you insensitive. I didn't mean to… insult you. But Izzie's my best friend. _I _was protecting _her_."

Cristina scrutinized him. "Okay, whatever."

There was a knock on the doorframe and the two interns looked up to see Dr. Shepherd. "Dr. Yang, may I speak to you for a minute?"

"Um, sure." Somewhat hesitantly, Cristina rose and joined Derek in the hallway.

"How's Meredith?" he asked immediately.

Of all the questions she'd been expecting, that was not on the list. She shifted uncomfortably. "Um… she's fine."

"Uh huh."

"Really, she is."

"Have you talked to her at all today?" Derek pressed.

"Just before she went out to lunch," Cristina shrugged.

"She went out to lunch," Derek repeated slowly.

"She can go out to lunch if she wants to," Cristina defended. "She needed a little pick-me-up, but she's fine, as far as I know."

"Why did she need a pick-me-up?"

"Dr. Shepherd, please, if you want to know these things, you should really talk to Meredith--"

"Is she okay?" Derek asked emphatically, pausing slightly between each word.

"I think Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd might have snapped at her this morning about a patient, but she didn't mention anything else…" Cristina trailed off, realizing that she had probably just said too much.

"Thank you, Dr. Yang," Derek said quietly, and continued down the hall.

X

"Are you sure you don't mind?" Meredith asked as she and Finn unloaded the last box from the trunk of Callie's car. "I mean, I know when I called I said we could go out for drinks or something, so I'm sure you probably weren't planning on helping my roommate's girlfriend move in."

"It's not a big deal, really," Finn assured her. "I was here already, I figured I might as well help."

Meredith smiled. "Thanks. When we get back inside do you want to watch a movie or something?"

"Yeah, if you're sure it's not too late," Finn answered. "I mean, I know you all have to get up pretty early in the morning."

"Well if it gets too late you can always spend the night," Meredith offered with the ghost of a seductive smile.

Finn almost dropped the box he was holding.

X

Derek slammed around the trailer, taking long, heavy strides to the bathroom.

"Derek?" Addison called out worriedly through a mouthful of toothpaste.

"What the hell did you say to Meredith?" he demanded, standing over her.

"I… don't really think that's any of your business," Addison stammered.

"Yeah, it is my business, because whatever it was, she's walking around the hospital like a zombie."

Addison shook her head in disbelief. "If I was walking around the hospital like a zombie, would you accuse Meredith of saying something to me?" Derek paused for a moment, caught off guard. "Exactly," she sighed, and rinsed out her mouth.

"I'm not accusing you, I know for a fact that you said something to her today and I want to know what it was!"

"I told her to back off, all right?" Addison shouted. "I told her to leave you alone."

It wasn't the answer he'd been expecting. "…You told her that in front of a patient?"

"Oh, you were talking about the patient thing," Addison realized suddenly. She slid past him into the bedroom and slumped onto the bed. "I just snapped at her in the pit this morning because she was questioning my authority about how to proceed with a patient."

"So what were you talking about before, then?" Derek asked. "Why did you tell her to leave me alone, and who the hell gave you that right?"

"Oh, gee, I don't know, I thought that maybe since I'm your _wife_ I had the right to tell a girl who's making eyes at you to get lost. But apparently not. Apparently Meredith Grey is the exception." Before he could say anything else, she said quietly, "But Meredith Grey's always going to be the exception, isn't she, Derek?"

He stood there in the hallway, rooted to the spot, unmoving, unblinking. Addison heaved a ragged sigh. "Until you can answer that question I'm not sleeping in your bed. Not if Meredith Grey is going to be snuggled up between us. I'll be in the car, excuse me," she declared, yanking a blanket out of the closet.

"Addison…" Derek protested weakly as she padded past him out the door. "Addison, listen to me!" He followed her outside, the damp grass sticking to the bottom of his bare feet. She crawled into the backseat of his SUV but didn't lock the doors in time to keep him out. He scrambled into the driver's seat and glared back at her.

She was jackknifed under the navy blue fleece blanket, facing away from him, taking shuddering breaths. In the long silence before she spoke, both their eyes adjusted to the darkness and they began seeing all the various shades of blacks, purples, blues and dark greens.

Finally Addison breathed, "I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to make us work. And for her to be there everywhere I look, watching you with her sad, lost little girl eyes…" She sighed, and rolled over to face him. "Today, I heard that Mark Sloan was coming back and I almost killed a patient to make sure that he wouldn't have anyone to operate on. That is how hard I'm trying, Derek. And I feel like you're… letting us slip by the wayside again."

Derek sighed and touched her face softly, brushing his thumb across her cheek.

"We can be Derek and Addison again," she whispered. "I know we can."

"Okay," he said into the darkness. "I'll try harder."

"Okay," Addison said with a sniff.

Derek pulled her up to a sitting position and kissed her quietly. They breathed, and then he kissed her again, slower this time, feeling her mouth beneath his own, slowly starting to remember what she tasted like.

They breathed.

X

Kisses. Soft kisses. Tongues in collarbones. Fingers wound in hair. Quick little breaths. But… imperfections.

Meredith pulled away, disentangling her arms from Finn's. "I'm sorry," she muttered. "I just… I'm not ready yet."

Finn nodded understandingly, a little embarrassed. "It's okay. Really, it's fine." He kissed the top of her head lightly. "Derek hurt you, I get that. It's going to take a while before you're healed."

"Wh--Derek didn't hurt me," Meredith defended, unsure why they were talking about _him_.

"He did," Finn told her. "And I don't mind that it's going to take a while. I want you to be ready. I'll wait for you."

"Really," Meredith said, almost as a challenge.

"Yup," Finn answered sincerely, smiling down at her.

"Okay," she nodded, settling back into the couch with a light sigh.

"Okay."

They breathed.

_The arm bone's connected to the wrist bone, the wrist bone's connected to the hand bone… Now if only the head bone was connected to the heart…_


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi guys! Thank you all so much for your favoriting, your reviewing, etc. I really appreciate it, keep it up!  
I do want to clear up one thing about this story: in the previous chapter, I think I didn't close up that conversation between Addison and Callie, and a lot of people interpreted it as Addison telling Callie a secret (i.e. that the baby wasn't Derek's). Silly girl that I am, I'm trying as best as I can to incorporate this story within the bounds of what's happening on the show in Season 3, and at this point in their friendship, Addison told Callie about the pregnancy back in New York and her decision. So that was what she told Callie in the last chapter. It's mentioned in here, but I thought I'd clear that up in case some people were confused.  
Sorry, the baby's not Mark's :( If you're a Maddison shipper, however, you want to stay tuned ;) And MerDer shippers, don't worry, there's plenty of that on the way too, of course!  
Okay, I'm done now, thank you so much for humoring me!... enjoy!**

* * *

_As doctors, we aren't allowed to not be morning people. Patients get hurt around the clock, so we have to be ready to treat them, even if it means not going home for two days. But somehow, no matter how accustomed we are to being woken up in the middle of the night by our pagers, nothing seems to make sense in the morning. _

"Good morning," Addison mumbled, her voice still thick with sleep. She kissed Derek's shoulder through the worn fabric of his shirt and snuggled up against his arm. "So I was thinking… before work, why don't we, ah… you know…" She smiled coyly and propped herself up on an elbow.

"What?…" Derek groaned, rolling over and pulling a pillow on top of his head.

"Come on, why don't we…" Addison's fingers found the hem of his shirt and started to yank it upwards before Derek shooed her hand away.

"'S cold," he slurred, then sat up and got out of bed. "Got to get up, get my blood pumping, you know?"

"Oh. Ah, yeah, yeah, okay," Addison nodded vigorously and got up herself, straightening out her wrinkled pillow and sheets. Seconds later, she and Derek both tried to walk through the door out into the narrow hallway and collided. "Oh, sorry! Sorry!" she apologized. "Here, you first."

"No, go ahead. You," he offered.

There was another awkward moment as they tried to walk through again, laughing nervously. Finally, Derek stepped back and let Addison walk before him. She stepped into the bathroom and sighed. This was going to be a long day.

X

"Hey, George." Meredith grabbed her friend as he stumbled out of his bedroom. "It wouldn't be a big deal if Finn moved in here, right? I mean, he's here so much anyway, I just figured it would be easier if he moved in."

"I… just woke up…" George mumbled, and continued his staggering trek to the bathroom.

"I'm right, aren't I?" Meredith asked Izzie, who was coming up the stairs.

"Well, if he's only here as long as Callie was, I don't think it's going to be a problem," Izzie joked, taking a sip from her cup of coffee. "And now that Burke's back at work, Cristina isn't hanging around so much. And I'm back to work now too, so he wouldn't be bothering me."

"So he should move in?"

"I don't know, Mer…" She paused, then sighed, "I think you spend too much time with him. You're together, like, all the time. And it's not him, I mean, I like Finn, I think he's a nice guy, but… lunch every day, dinner _every _night--"

"We're dating," Meredith defended. "That's what couples do, they spend time together."

"Are you even having sex?"

Meredith faltered. "Well… no. But--"

Izzie shook her head in disapproval. "You want him to move in and you're not even having sex? Oh, bad. Bad idea, Meredith."

"Well since this is pretty much the only relationship of my adult life that hasn't been based solely on sex, I'm proud of myself for holding out this long," Meredith admitted.

"Do you even _want _to have sex with Finn?" Izzie asked.

"Yes," Meredith answered quickly, sensitively.

"So why have you waited this long?"

"I don't want to mess this up," Meredith said, squirming. "Anyway, that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about whether or not I should I ask Finn to move in with me."

"I told you, I think it's a bad idea," Izzie said, holding up her hands in surrender. "But if you want an honest answer, ask Cristina."

X

"Absolutely not."

"Why?" Meredith gaped at Cristina in exasperation.

"You've been dating for like, what, a month? And you've really only started doing this creepy hanging out every second thing for like, two weeks. You're moving too fast. Don't keep doing this clingy girlfriend thing. It'll freak him out."

"It won't 'freak him out,'" Meredith sighed, annoyed. "And I'm not being clingy. I'm _me_. That, by definition, means not clingy."

"Besides, are you even having sex?"

"Why does everyone keep asking that?"

"Well, you're Meredith. It's like asking if a burger comes with fries," Alex chimed in, walking into the locker room.

Meredith made a face at him and turned back to Cristina. "No, for your information, we are not having sex. And we are doing perfectly fine."

"You've slept over at his house. He's slept over at your house. What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing's wrong with me!" Meredith insisted. "I just haven't been _dying _to have sex lately, like the rest of you seem to be. Besides, this is how healthy relationships work, or so I'm told. You talk. You date. You get to know each other. You mess around a little bit. And _then _you have sex."

"You don't want to have sex with him because you're still holding out on McDreamy," Cristina observed shrewdly.

Meredith's mouth dropped open. "I am _not_!"

"Yes you are."

"I think this conversation is over. You're a horrible best friend."

"And you're a horrible liar," Cristina retorted.

X

"Hey, stranger," Addison murmured in a husky voice, sidling up to Derek at the nurse's station.

"Hey," he returned with a friendly smile, nodding noncommittally in her direction.

"So… remember what I was talking about this morning?" she continued, keeping that bedroom quality to her voice. It made Derek a little uncomfortable.

"Yeah."

"Well do you have any surgeries this morning? Cause if not, maybe we could…" She nudged his elbow suggestively. "There are plenty of empty on-call rooms."

Derek searched for words, buying time. "Well, ah…"

"Good morning, Shepherd Family!" a voice boomed from down the hall, cutting him short.

"Oh, _God_," Addison groaned.

"How's the happy couple doing this morning?" Mark Sloan asked, standing behind Derek and Addison with his hands on their shoulders.

"Fine," Derek answered with a clinical smile.

"And the baby-to-be?"

"Great," Addison said through gritted teeth.

"Nice to hear!" Mark declared loudly. "Carry on, Shepherds!" He sauntered down the hall, looking smug.

"You have _got _to make him stop doing that. Talk to him," Derek begged Addison.

"I'm not talking to him, you make him stop," Addison shot back.

"He's been doing it every day since he got here and I can't take much more of it."

"I know, I know!"

Ever since Mark Sloan had arrived two weeks ago and spoken to the Chief, he'd been going out of his way to alert the entire hospital of the lives of Derek and Addison Shepherd. News at Seattle Grace spread like wildfire; it had only been a matter of time before he'd learned about the pregnancy. Both Addison and Derek knew they had to talk to him about it… but something was holding them back.

"I'll… talk to him today," Addison resolved.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, we've got to get this over with."

From across the hallway, Meredith watched the exchange curiously. She couldn't hear most of what they were saying, but she studied their body language attentively. Addison seemed a lot more physically invested than Derek did, a lot more willing to make conversation. That didn't mean anything, Meredith told herself, it was just an observation. It didn't mean that they were having problems, or that they were arguing about something under the surface…

"See? I told you," Cristina gloated, coming up behind her. "You're still holding out."

"I am not," Meredith defended. "I was just… observing."

"Holding out," Cristina assessed.

"Shut up."

"Cristina," Burke called out quietly as he approached her and Meredith.

"Oh, good, there you are," Cristina said, switching gears. "You're going to let me scrub in on that pulmonary embolectomy, right?"

"Um… yes," Burke answered slowly.

"Okay. Good," Cristina nodded, and turned back to Meredith, assuming that that was all he needed to discuss. When Burke didn't leave, she asked, "I'm sorry, was there something else you wanted to say?"

Burke answered calmly, "I was going to ask you if you'd like to go out to dinner with me tonight."

She faltered; that wasn't what she'd been expecting. "Um… yes, I would like to, but if I'm scrubbing in on that triple bypass tomorrow, I'll need to read up on it and make sure I know what I'm doing."

Burke studied her for a moment; he watched the intense look on her face, how her eyes narrowed and she bit her lip. "Okay," he said quietly. "Maybe some other time."

"Yeah," Cristina echoed as he walked away. "Maybe some other time."

"You've got a lot of surgeries coming up," Meredith noted.

"Burke's only been back for a week. It's… comforting to have someone you can rely on in the OR," Cristina answered edgily.

Meredith watched her friend uneasily. "Okay."

X

"I have to talk to Mark today," Addison sighed, slumping in the chair next to Callie.

Callie made a face. "Ugh, what about?"

"No doubt you've heard the Shepherd Family updates every morning?"

"Ah."

"Yeah, well so has the entire hospital, and we can't take it anymore."

"'We?'" Callie quoted. "So, you and Derek are doing better now? You're like, talking and making decisions as a couple?"

"We're… getting there. He's putting in more effort, not talking to Meredith outside of work, I'm not talking to Mark outside of work. It's… it's good. We're improving."

"How's the sex?"

Addison laughed in surprise, caught off guard. "Oh, it's, uh, it's great, you know, it's really great, we're ah, you know, getting to know each other again--"

"You're not having sex," Callie assessed.

Addison gave a defeated sigh. "Okay, we're not having sex. Yet. But we will. Because things are getting better and…" She sighed again, tired of sugar-coating the truth. "I've tried, Callie. I've tried to get him to have sex so many times, but there's always some excuse. He's too tired, or he doesn't feel well, or--this one was my favorite--he doesn't want to hurt the baby."

Callie shrugged, playing it down, but remained uneasy. "Well… it takes time, I guess. And you shouldn't take steps you're not ready for yet--"

"I know, I know," Addison sighed. "And now I have to freaking talking to Mark."

"Have you told Derek yet?" Callie asked. "You know, about the whole sleeping with Mark for four months after Derek left and then aborting Mark's baby thing?"

Addison chewed on her lip. "No."

Callie sighed. "Well, you should--"

"I know. God, do I know. I just… have to get through this first. I have to tell Mark to stop torturing me and Derek and I have to apologize for coming out here so abruptly and I have to… fix my life…" She sighed and trailed off. "This sucks."

Callie took a sigh of her own, and then admitted, "I slept with Mark."

X

"Caitlin Yates, 18, would like--"

"I want you to give me a nose job." The girl cut Meredith off before she could finish presenting the case to Mark. "I mean, look at it." She turned her head to the side, showing Mark and Meredith her profile. "That bump, it's just… hideous."

Meredith tried to console, "Caitlin, that bump--"

"It's Cait," the girl interrupted.

"Cait," Meredith began again, "that bump is a normal part of human bone structure. Everyone has it."

"Yeah, but mine is so much freaking bigger than everyone else's," Cait persisted, cupping her hands around her nose. "How would you like it if everyone, even your friends, teased you about a problem you had? Wouldn't it make you feel better to have it fixed, even if it was something everyone else thought was 'stupid'?"

Meredith smiled. This girl was right. Just because everyone else thought asking Finn to move in was stupid didn't mean that it was true. "Okay. Well Dr. Sloan here is one of the best, he'll operate sometime tomorrow afternoon. And in the mean time, I am just going to run a few tests to make sure you're all set to go for surgery, okay? I'll be right back."

As she followed Mark down the hall, he complimented, "Dr. Grey, you handled that well. Do you want to scrub in tomorrow afternoon?"

"If you'll do me a favor. One dirty mistress to another," Meredith challenged.

"Depends."

"I want you to stop embarrassing Derek and Addison in front of the whole hospital every morning," Meredith requested.

Mark laughed unsteadily. "Oh, come on Dr. Grey, you know it's just a little fun--"

"No, I don't know that," she interrupted. "I know that you're hurt and confused and have no freaking clue what's going on, so you're hurting the people that did it to you. I get that. But I would really appreciate it, and I know Derek and Addison would really appreciate it, if you just stopped. Please."

Mark watched her curiously, then stated, "Book an OR for two PM tomorrow afternoon, and be there."

Meredith smiled. "Thank you."

As he walked away, Mark smirked, "Boy, Shepherd's sure got you wrapped around his finger."

Meredith could do nothing but stammer wordlessly.

X

"I'm going crazy," Izzie stated, slamming her tray down on the lunch table. "I need a surgery. I need to see the inside of an OR, I need to look at a scalpel, just _look _at a scalpel or I am going to flush my head down the toilet." She heaved a big sigh and put a smile on her face. "So, how is everyone else's day going?"

"Meredith and her creepy vet boyfriend are moving in together," Cristina complained.

"He's not creepy, what's creepy is how much time they spend together."

"Exactly."

"It's unhealthy."

"It's inhumane."

Alex scoffed. "Are you two even listening to yourselves? Iz, you and O'Malley are together 24-7, tell me how that's not creepy. And Yang, you're just jealous because Mer's not spending every waking moment with you."

"Oh please, what do I care?" Cristina defended. Looking for an excuse to change the topic, she glanced around the cafeteria and spotted Callie. "Hey, Izzie, what exactly happened between George and Torres?"

Izzie sighed. "Let's not even talk about _that_. She was in and out in a week. She invaded, she took over the bathroom with her… nakedness and no hand-washing and then she was gone."

"Oh, and then she slept with Sloan," Alex piped up. Before either Cristina or Izzie could react, George sat down with them.

"Glad you're here, you're just in time for our seminar on why Meredith's boyfriend shouldn't move in with her," Cristina supplied.

"It's her house, shouldn't she kind of call the shots on who lives with us?"

"Not the point. The point is--"

"No, it's okay," Meredith's approaching voice halted their conversation. She sat down with her friends, talking on her cell phone. "Really Finn, I understand! You need to look at the pig's heart, so go do it. Yeah, I'll meet you for dinner tonight. Oh, not this afternoon, I'll be in surgery, I won't pick up. Yup. Okay. Okay, see you soon. Bye bye."

"How's Dr. Doolittle?" Alex mocked.

"Finn is fine," Meredith answered, not rising to the bait. "We were going to have lunch but he had to go check on a patient, so I'll see him later."

"A patient? It was a pig. He rolls around in the mud with pigs all day, Meredith," Cristina said bluntly. "You want to let that into your bed?"

She shrugged, again keeping a level head. "I'll make him shower first."

"Yeah, just make sure we don't hear it," Izzie snorted with laughter.

"Did you say you were scrubbing in?" George asked, eager to change the subject.

"Oh, yeah. Rhinoplasty on this eighteen-year-old girl who thinks she's got the ugliest nose on the face of the earth."

"How'd you get in on that one?" Alex groaned. "I've been kissing ass for weeks and Sloan hasn't let me scrub in once!"

"I made a deal with him," Meredith answered. "I told him if he would stop making those embarrassing announcements about Derek and Addison every morning then I would scrub in."

"Wait, wait, wait… you asked Sloan to stop making fun of Shepherd and his wife?" Cristina asked.

"Yeah, so?"

She threw her hands up in the air. "Case in point. You're holding out on Shepherd."

"Oh, please, Cristina, this is so not about me and Derek as… me and Derek. This is about someone harassing my friends, and I am tired of them being bullied."

"Your 'friends'?" Cristina asked skeptically. "Since when are you and Addison--no, since when are you and Derek even 'friends'?"

"Just forget it," Meredith snapped. "Forget it, okay?"

In the awkward silence that followed, George muttered, "I felt bad for Bailey in that seminar the other day. Do you think one of us should say something to her?"

Izzie shifted uncomfortably in her chair.

"People make mistakes," Meredith said quietly. "And you have to forgive them." Feeling everyone's eyes on her, she mumbled, "Um, I'm gonna go prep my patient for surgery, see you guys later."

X

"Mark!" Addison called as he emerged from the OR. "I need to talk to you."

"And here's the mama-to-be!" Mark announced with a smirk on his face.

Addison felt her ears turn red. "Mark. Please. I need to talk to you. Now." Her voice was sharp. "In here." She gestured to a supply closet and he followed her inside.

"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd!" Mark exclaimed in mock surprise. "You're a married woman, are you sure you want to be seen hurrying into a supply closet with a single stud like me?"

"Stop it!" Addison shouted. "Just stop it, Mark. Please. I am _so_ sick of your stupid jokes and your freaking announcements every morning and they need to stop, okay? Derek and I--we're… we're married, Mark, and I know I screwed it up before, he and I both did, but we're together now and you're going to have to accept that." Her voice broke. "I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry I slept with you and… led you on and then left you and came out here. I'm sor--"

"You didn't lead me on, Addison," Mark interrupted solemnly. "You told me you loved me. And I told you I loved you, and I meant it. I still mean it. I love you, Addison."

She took a shuddering breath. "This past month has been _hell _for me, Mark, and I expected you of all people to understand that. So, I know you love me but you _can't_. Because I love Derek and he and I are having a baby together and we need you to be there for us. You're his best friend, Mark. And more than once I've considered you my best friend too."

Mark sighed; Addison realized she'd never seen him look this way before, except maybe when she told him about his baby… "I want to help," Mark said finally. "I do. I want to help you and Derek. But right now I'm not enough of a man to do it. I love you, Addison. And to watch my best friend have a baby with the woman I love and to support them while they do it… that's asking a lot. And I don't think I can do it. Not right now. Maybe not ever."

Addison felt the tears sliding down her cheeks and she didn't know when she'd started crying. "Mark--"

"Don't talk," he ordered. And then he was kissing her, before she even knew what was going on, he was kissing her and she was kissing him back. He pushed her against the wall, gripping her waist possessively with one strong hand and winding another through her long red hair. His tongue swept her mouth fiercely, plundering her in a way that she'd longed to feel for so long. Addison's heart was pounding, telling her that this was wrong. Wrong, wrong--

"Stop…" she mumbled weakly, pushing him off and stepping away from the wall. "Mark, that can't happen ever again. It won't happen ever again."

Mark nodded, catching his breath, calming himself. "It won't ever happen again." He went for the door, but before he left he said, "I won't announce your private life to the hospital anymore. But I'd already decided that before you talked to me today."

Addison watched his lips as he spoke and tried not to think about them pressed against her-- "I don't understand," she choked, forcing herself to talk. "What do you mean?"

"Dr. Grey told me to stop this morning. Made a deal with me. I wanted her to scrub in but she wouldn't do it unless I promised to stop. So I'll stop."

Nothing was making sense, the world was upside down. "Meredith?"

"Yeah. It was very big of her," Mark replied on his way out. "Don't expect the same from me."

X

"How'd it go today, Stevens?" Bailey asked as she saw her intern approaching.

Izzie shrugged. "I watched Meredith scrub in on a rhinoplasty, I watched while George put in a central line and did a pre-op on a patient, I ran some labs with Alex and then I watched Cristina sew a heart back together in a pulmonary embolectomy." She saw a stern look flash across Bailey's face and sighed. "Dr. Bailey, I know that I'm on probation, but this is killing me. I need to--"

"Did you say Yang sewed a heart back together?" Bailey interrupted.

"Yeah, Dr. Burke operated and he let her do the last couple of stitches before they closed him up… and by last couple I mean like, twenty. Maybe thirty."

Bailey stared blankly into space over Izzie's shoulder, not acknowledging that she had heard anything.

"Dr. Bailey?"

The resident shook her head and focused. "Stevens, what were you saying?"

"About my probation, Dr. Bailey, I know I'm not--"

"If you know the restrictions of your probation then what are you asking me for?"

Izzie sighed and ran a frustrated hand through her blonde hair. She wetted her lips before speaking. "This isn't… what I signed up for, this isn't--Running labs and _watching _my colleagues perform complicated surgeries is killing me, Dr. Bailey, I need to stand inside an OR and be asked questions, something stimulating, anything other than what I'm doing now because this…" Izzie choked on the words as they came up. "This is making me dead inside."

Bailey studied her intern for a minute, and then answered evenly, "You think that when I became a resident I knew I was going to have the five of you? You're crazy, all of you. You think I 'signed up' for this? For interns who cut LVAD wires and sleep with attendings and cause all sorts of personal problems this hospital never had before you got here? Do you think, Dr. Stevens, that I signed up for being criticized and questioned in front of the entire surgical staff? Because I did not." She paused, regaining her composure. "I fought to get you back. God knows why I did it, but I did. I fought for you, Stevens. I took your side against the Chief of Surgery to get you back in this damn hospital. Do not make me regret doing that. Do not."

Izzie was at a loss for words. "I… Dr. Bailey--"

"You may be an all right doctor, even if your lack in judgment is inexcusable. But this is not the kind of _person_ I taught you to be, Izzie Stevens. I taught you better than that, I know I did. You will not violate the rules of your probation, you will not scrub in on any surgeries until I say so and you will definitely never talk to me about this again, do you understand me Dr. Stevens?"

Izzie nodded, trying harder than she ever had in her life not to cry. "Yeah… okay."

X

"I talked to Mark," Addison said into the darkness.

Derek shifted next to her on the bed, slipping in and out of sleep. "Yeah? What did he say?"

She sighed. "He said that Meredith had already asked him to stop telling the hospital about our lives before I ever talked to him."

No one could see it in the darkness, but Derek's brow furrowed. "Meredith?"

"Yeah." Addison waited for him to say something else, but nothing came. "I guess she's… a good friend. She's a good friend to you, to both of us, and I shouldn't have yelled at her and she's not as much of a slut as I thought." She winced and amended quickly, "She's actually not a slut at all, I just thought that on principle because she was the woman who was sleeping with my husband."

"I'm going to get some sleep now, okay?" Derek asked. To anyone else it would have seemed like a normal request, a casual conversation stopper. But as the wee hours of the morning slipped past, she couldn't hear anything but contempt for herself in her husband's voice.

Guilt gnawed like an unyielding worm in the pit of Addison's stomach. Derek deserved to know the truth. They had promised that they were in this together, that the secrets would be over. She had to tell him.

"Derek," she whispered, nudging his leg with her foot. He groaned in his sleep and she nudged harder. "Derek, wake up, there's something I need to tell you."

"What, Addison, come on, it's three in the morning," he muttered into his pillow.

"Derek," she sighed, "after you left New York, I had an affair with Mark." She heard him shift and turn to face her. "For four months. I got pregnant with his baby, but I aborted it. I didn't want children with him, I wanted them with you, and now I'm getting that chance, now _we're_ getting that chance, so I wanted to tell you. Because you're my husband and I love you and… I thought you should know."

He was silent.

"Derek?"

"Okay."

Her stomach twisted and turned. "Okay what?"

"I'm going to get something to eat or… something, you go back to sleep."

He was leaving again, he was walking away, she couldn't let him get away! "Derek."

"Go to sleep, Addison."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going into the kitchen to eat. Then I'll probably sit outside on the porch and try to wrap my head around this. I'll fall asleep and wake up with a stiff back tomorrow morning, and life will go on."

Addison felt a lump rising in her throat; she was beginning to wonder if they would ever have a conversation that didn't nearly bring her to tears. "Derek, if you want to talk about this, we can. I'm so sorry, I know this must be a lot for you to hear right now--"

"Please go back to sleep." There was nothing in his voice. Nothing.

_The foggy haze of the early morning clouds our judgment. We see things that aren't there. We hear sounds that don't exist. Our imaginations create an entire world much scarier than the one we live in every day. _

"What are you doing up?" George asked, finding Izzie sitting in the kitchen.

"Couldn't sleep. You?"

"Couldn't sleep." He paused for a moment, startled by an idea that had just occurred to him. "You're not baking again, are you?"

"Earlier today all I could think about was surgeries," Izzie whispered. "Bloody, gory, disgusting surgeries. Surgeries that all my friends were helping to do while I stood around and watched. They were keeping me up last night, and the night before that. And now the only thing I see when I close my eyes is Bailey's face as she got reamed out in front of that panel last week. Bailey's face when she saw that I'd cut the LVAD wire. Bailey's face when she told me that I wasn't the person she expected me to be."

George sat down next to his friend and placed a comforting hand on her arm. "You know, the thing about Bailey is that she forgives. She always forgives. She's already forgiven you. She just hasn't forgiven herself yet. And until she does that, Iz…"

"I'm royally screwed," Izzie finished with a smile.

George laughed with her. "Hey, we've all been there."

_Our tortured minds turn scraping tree branches into monsters, hissing radiators into demons and squeaking floorboards into bogeymen. And we're so paralyzed with fear, so alone in the darkness that we can't differentiate between imagination and reality. So where do we draw the line?_

Meredith moaned as she was awakened by the ringing of the phone.

"What?" she croaked grumpily.

The voice on the other end of the line was crackly and full of static, but she would recognize it anywhere. "Meredith? It's Derek. I could really use a friend."

_Where do we draw the line?_


	6. Chapter 6

**This is another one I had to split in two. Romance to come soon, thank you so much for being patient with me and for your wonderful reviews and support! Enjoy!!**

* * *

_In kindergarten, being someone's friend was easy. It meant you played together every day at recess and sat next to each other at snack time. But as we got older, we realized that being a friend was a lot harder than pushing someone on a swing. It meant standing by them through loser boyfriends, impossible chemistry tests, and helping them pick their outfit for prom. It meant being their maid of honor in their wedding, and then being there with a bottle of vodka when they filed for divorce. The point is, friendship is hard. Friendship takes sacrifice._

"You… what?" Meredith stammered. It was three in the morning. Surely she'd heard wrong.

"I could really use a friend right now, Meredith, and I know I have no right to ask you for anything, but… I don't have anybody else."

She sat up, leaning against the headboard and flicking on the lamp. "Okay… what's up, where are you? Did something go wrong in surgery?"

"No, no, I'm at home," she heard him say. "At the trailer."

"Okay." That could only mean this was about one thing…

"Addison, she--she told me something and…" He trailed off. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called, you shouldn't have to listen to my problems."

"Derek," Meredith sighed. "I'm your friend." She didn't really think about it before she said it, it just seemed like the right thing to say. "This is what friends do. They listen to each other's problems and help each other work them out. Now come on. Tell me what's up."

"After I left New York, Addison had an affair with Mark. She got pregnant but didn't want the baby."

Oh… _Oh. _She struggled to find words. "So… it wasn't just a one night stand. They actually had a relationship together after you left?" Meredith felt somewhat nosy, prying into his personal affairs like this, but she was trying to imagine what a friend would do. She was trying to imagine what Cristina would do to help her in this situation.

"Apparently, yeah," Derek answered with a sigh.

"So… what are you going to do?"

"What can I do? Deal with it. Try to put it behind me and move on."

It was there, so she nudged, "But…"

"If I had known this in the first place, when Addison first came out here to Seattle, I wouldn't have--" He stopped suddenly.

Meredith's mind raced to finish the sentence. _I wouldn't have gone back to her. I wouldn't have picked her. I would have stayed with you. _But she didn't know that. She didn't know that was what he had meant to say. She was just extrapolating. Guessing. Making it up.

Derek changed the subject. "Addison said you talked to Mark about those goofy announcements he's been making every morning. She said you got him to stop. Thank you."

It caught her off guard and she panicked. "Um, you're breaking up, Derek. I can't hear you. I'm sorry. Uh, bye."

She slammed the phone back down on the table. She could do this. She could do the whole being Derek's friend thing. She'd done it before. But she wasn't going to talk about why she'd defended him and Addison. She wasn't going to explain it to him because she couldn't even explain it to herself.

X

"You look like hell," Izzie said cheerfully as Meredith dragged herself into the kitchen the next morning.

"Shut up," Meredith mumbled, pouring herself a cup of coffee.

"Who was that on the phone last night? It was really late," George commented, shifting in his chair and casting an uneasy glance at Izzie.

"Nobody, it was just Derek," Meredith muttered, before she really realized that she'd said it. Seeing her roommates' questioning faces, she added, "He just had a question about something. It was no big deal." The quizzical look on Izzie's face told her that they weren't buying it. "Really! No big deal. I'm going to take a shower."

"Okay!" Izzie nodded, smiling brightly. "Go ahead, we'll be here!"

Meredith narrowed her eyes. "You're acting weird. Stop it."

"Weird? I'm not being weird, I'm just--"

"We didn't get much sleep last night either," George jumped in. "Izzie couldn't sleep so we sat up and talked and now we're regretting it. You know, that feeling when your eyelids feel like they weigh a hundred pounds and you just can't keep them open?"

"Okay…" Meredith nodded warily, looking around the kitchen suspiciously. "I'm going upstairs now…"

As soon as she was out of earshot, Izzie hissed, "We should call Cristina. Should we call Cristina? She'll know what to do, right?"

"Iz, I don't think we need to do anything," George said slowly. "Meredith's a grown woman, she can make her own decisions. If she wants to talk to McDreamy, she can talk to McDreamy."

"Yeah, well not if she's going to be walking around this house all McMopey! We have to live with it too! We have to come up with a way to make her happy, George!"

"Well what about--"

They were interrupted by a knock at the front door. "Finn!" Izzie exclaimed, stepping aside to let him in. "Come in, come in!"

"Is Meredith here?" Finn asked. "I just brought something by for her, but if she's not here I can always come back later…"

"No, no, she's here, she's upstairs," Izzie explained. "But you can come in, of course, I mean, it's practically your house anyway!"

Finn looked questioningly at her. "It is?"

"Yeah, absolutely," Izzie nodded enthusiastically. "You're here all the time, I'm surprised you haven't moved in yet!"

George stepped on her foot.

"Ow!" Izzie snapped.

"Izzie, it's really nothing to worry about, so will you please cut it out?" Meredith called from upstairs. "I know you're freaking out about it but you don't need to. It was just a freakin phone call, all right? Just a freakin--" She came into sight on the landing wearing nothing but a towel, her hair dripping wet.

"Hey!" Finn said warmly, slightly embarrassed. "If this is a bad time, I can--"

"Oh, no, no, this is fine, this is a great time!" Meredith stammered, trying to cover herself up.

"Finn brought you doughnuts!" Izzie said in a sing-song voice, pointing to the Dunkin Donuts bag Finn held.

"I hope you like the powdered ones," he said with a lopsided grin.

"Yeah, yeah, powdered is great," Meredith nodded, putting on her do-or-die face. "Um… hey, do you want to move in with me?"

X

"She just asked him, just like that?" Cristina asked.

"Yeah, she was wearing a towel and everything," Izzie gushed. "But if it makes her stop thinking about Shepherd then, hey, I'm all for it."

"I think we should stop talking about this now," George piped up, following as fast as he could behind them in the hallway.

"Come on, you don't think it's a bad idea?"

"I think Meredith would prefer it if we didn't talk about her personal life at the hospital. Especially since everybody else is doing that. We're her friends, the least we can do is support her."

"Good morning," Bailey drawled, stopping their conversation short. "Okay, we've got a multiple trauma coming in, so it's all hands on deck down in the pit. Help who you can where you can, assess their injuries and get them to a resident or an attending, are there any questions? Dr. Yang."

"I was supposed to be on Dr. Burke's service today," Cristina said.

"Dr. Burke's gonna be in the pit like everybody else, Yang, are there any other questions?"

"What's the trauma from? What's the accident?" Meredith asked.

"A clown car," Bailey stated, hardly seeming to believe it herself.

Alex laughed. "You mean, like, a bunch of people shoved into a car, right?"

"No, Dr. Karev, I mean a car full of circus clowns."

X

"I hate clowns," Meredith confided in Cristina as they tied on their yellow gowns. "Clowns are creepy. My parents took me to a circus once when I was four and they fought the whole time so I wandered off into the clown tent and got so scared I peed my pants."

"What's so creepy about them?" Alex teased, overhearing. "They're harmless. They've got big red noses and weird face paint, so what?"

"You know what's creepy?" Cristina interjected. "Letting someone you hardly know move in with you."

Izzie jumped in with, "I don't think it's creepy, I think it's a great idea--"

"And I think you all need to shut it!" Bailey snapped. "Come on, focus, people! Leave your sorry little love lives at the door, there are real lives that need saving."

The wail of the sirens filled the parking lot outside the ER and three ambulances sped into view.

"All right, what have we got?" Bailey asked, pulling open one ambulance while Alex, Izzie and Cristina got the second and Meredith and George got the third.

"Male, 25, possible head trauma and a fractured femur, vitals are stable but he coded once on the way over."

"Male, 29, experiencing arrhythmia and also what looks like a broken arm."

"Male, 29, um…"

Bailey looked at her interns in agitation. "This isn't a time for 'um', what's going on?"

The paramedic met eyes with Meredith and George, who were rolling out the gurney.

"What would you call this, Dr. Bailey?" George asked, pulling back the sheet that covered the patient from head to toe. The man was screaming in pain and there was no skin covering his face. Only raw red muscle.

"He doesn't have a face," Meredith said slowly.

"Trauma one, now," Bailey instructed gravely. "Get them all inside, come on! Page Shepherd, page Sloan, page Torres--hell, page everybody, we're gonna need all the help we can get!"

X

"Damn it!" Cristina swore under her breath. "Uneven breath sounds on the left side."

"What happened? What happened?" The man on the table was the first one they had retrieved from the ambulance, and he was panicked.

"Ray, calm down," Derek instructed, shining a flashlight at his patient's pupils. "My name is Dr. Shepherd, you're at Seattle Grace Hospital, do you know how you got here?"

"Oh man, oh man…" Ray kept breathing deeply. "Is Jimmy okay? Jimmy, he's my friend, he was in the car with us. We were on our way here and then the other car--I didn't see it, it came out of nowhere--"

"Sir, I'm gonna need you to hold still if you want to keep this leg," Callie said sharply. "Somebody hold him still! Stevens?"

"Hey," Izzie said quietly, leaning down to talk to the man. "Sir, can you calm down, please? I think your friends are here. There were two other people brought in with you. What does Jimmy look like?"

"He--he doesn't have a face. I mean, he does normally, but… the skin--a lion yanked the skin off his face."

Izzie took a shaky breath. "Then yeah, yes, your friend is here."

"Did he just say a _lion_?" Alex asked incredulously.

X

"A lion?" Meredith echoed what Alex had told her.

"Yeah, crazy, right?"

"He's in too much pain to speak now, he's probably still in shock, tell Shepherd we'll probably need a CT if he lives through the next ten minutes," Meredith instructed.

"His name's Jimmy," Alex supplied.

Meredith nodded and returned to the patient's bedside where Mark and George were tending to his injuries as best they could. "Jimmy," she said calmly, "I need you to look at me. I know you're in a lot of pain right now, but I need you to look at me, okay? I'm Dr. Grey, everything's gonna be fine but I need to you look--" The man's eyes rolled back in his head. "He's coding!"

"Push one of epi and charge to two hundred," Mark commanded.

X

"Vitals are stable," the Chief sighed in relief, placing his stethoscope back around his neck. "Thank you, Dr. Burke."

"No problem. Mr. Roberts, your arrhythmias have decreased but we're still going to be watching you closely," Burke informed the patient. "Dr. Torres will be in to have a look at your arm in a few minutes."

"Mr. Roberts--" Bailey began.

"Tim," the man choked out. "It's Tim."

"Tim, do you know what happened in this car accident?" Bailey asked.

"We were trying to get here, to the hospital," the man answered unsteadily. "Jimmy had to go and touch that stupid lion, so we all got in Ray's car. And when we were about to turn onto the main road another car slammed into us."

Bailey and the Chief exchanged a look. "Dr. Bailey, why don't you go wait for the people in the other car. They'll be here any minute."

"Yes Chief." Bailey ran back outside and was joined by Addison.

"What's going on, I hear there's a clown in there with no face," she said, impressed.

"Got it ripped off by a lion," Bailey said with a nod. "Fools." The ambulance raced toward them.

When the paramedics lowered the gurney, Addison didn't hear the words they were saying. She saw lips moving but the only thing she was focused on was the object protruding from a huge gash in the woman's stomach.

"Is that a hand?" Addison asked, her throat dry. "Is that a baby's hand?"

"Yeah," the EMT said, as if she couldn't believe it either. "This lady's pregnant."

X

Meredith breathed a sigh of relief as a faint pulse showed up on the monitor. She and George stepped back from the table and looked to Mark.

"Now what?" George asked. "Can you save his face?"

"If we can find it," Mark sighed.

"Where would it be?" Meredith asked. "His friend said it was torn off by a lion, it could be anywhere. It's probably not even whole anymore."

"We can find it," Mark countered. "And I'll be able to reattach it, if it's still in good shape." He looked over the patient to George. "You want to come with me, O'Malley?"

George could hardly believe his ears. "Come with you, Dr. Sloan?"

"To find this man's face. You in or not?"

"Yes, I would love to!" George nodded enthusiastically.

"What should I do?" Meredith asked, a little annoyed and disappointed.

"Stay with the patient, Dr. Grey," Mark instructed, and Meredith was sure she wasn't imagining the condescension. "He should be stable for a while; somehow he didn't sustain any injuries during the crash, his nose is just broken, but that probably happened when the lion took his face. Stay with him, monitor his vitals, if anything goes wrong, page somebody."

"Uh, okay…" Meredith said nervously, knowing that she had no choice. As George and Mark left the room, she saw Addison and Bailey roll their new patients past.

"I'm gonna need another set of hands over here!" Bailey was shouting as she began compressions on the man on her table.

"Can't I help--" Meredith began.

But Mark cut her off, "Stay with this man, Grey. That's an order."

Meredith watched as Cristina hurried out to help Bailey and sighed in frustration. There were people out there she could help save and she was stuck babysitting. Perfect. Given the extent of his injuries, it was unlikely that he'd wake up at all, which meant that she'd likely be watching a vegetable until Sloan and George got back. There was no way he would wake up.

X

"Okay, Mr. Donovan, we're going to take you up to radiology to get a CT," Alex told Ray. "It's a scan that's going to give us a better idea of the damage that was done when you hit your head on the windshield."

"Okay," Ray wheezed. "If you hear anything about Jimmy or Tim will you--" Suddenly his eyes rolled back in his head and he started shaking.

"He's seizing!" Alex shouted.

Derek began barking instructions at Alex over the loud flatline beeping of the monitor. Cristina hurried closer to start compressions.

"I need someone else to help me keep this leg still!" Callie shouted. Izzie rushed over to give her a hand.

"Damn it," Derek spat as he and Alex tried everything they could to stop the seizing. "Damn it, damn it, damn it!"

X

Addison didn't know where to start. She stood over the woman in disbelief; she'd never seen anything like this before. There were several gashes across her abdomen and face, but the deepest ran right across her belly, where the tiny hand reached out for help.

_Okay, _Addison thought to herself as a few nurses rushed around to get the woman on a monitor and IV. _The baby's obviously already been exposed to the air and isn't breathing, otherwise he would be screaming. So it's possible that the umbilical cord could be wrapped around his neck, which means he needs to get out of there right now. _

"I need another set of hands!" Addison shouted, grabbing the instruments she needed off the crash cart.

Meredith stuck her head out the door of the trauma room. "What do you need?"

"Get me Karev!"

Meredith rushed to the next room where Derek, Alex, Cristina, Callie and Izzie were all trying to get the seizing man under control. "Alex, can you--"

"He's busy, Grey!" Callie yelled.

Meredith ran back out to Addison. "No good, Alex is--"

"Fine, fine!" Addison cut her off. "Get over here! You ever done a c-section before?"

"I've seen some," Meredith answered honestly, unable to wrench her eyes away from the hand.

"Good, you're going to help me, all right? We've got to get this baby out now or neither of them are going to make it. Scalpel!" she barked at the nurse.

"Anesthesia?" Meredith questioned frantically.

"Are you going to question my authority again or are you going to help me save this woman's life?" Addison snapped. "Anesthesia will take too long to work, we've got to go in now."

She squirted some blood around the already existing gash and began cutting. As soon as she was in she saw the problem.

"Okay, it's just like I thought. The umbilical cord is wrapped around the baby's neck. Meredith, I'm going to prop the baby up and you're going to reach in and loosen the cord, okay? Turn counterclockwise."

Meredith nodded. "Okay." She reached down and grabbed hold of the cord. Twisting to the left, she removed the cord from the baby's neck and Addison pulled the baby out.

"Okay, we're going to need some oxygen, get this baby on a monitor…"

The nurses took the baby out of sight and Meredith heaved a sigh of relief. Addison had already begun working on the mother, sewing her back up and stabilizing her, but she looked up at Meredith with a smile. "Thank you, Dr. Grey."

"No proble--" She was cut off by the sound of screaming from trauma room one. "Sorry!" Meredith dashed back to the room where she was supposed to be and saw Jimmy, the man with no face, wide awake and screaming. This didn't make sense, the chance that he would wake up was one in a hundred, the chance that he would survive this was one in a million…

Meredith could do nothing but splutter in disbelief, "You're awake?"


	7. Chapter 7

No excuses. Sorry it took so long. Enjoy.

* * *

Her mind was racing. _What next, what next? What do I do? _He was obviously in a lot of pain, so…

"Morphine," Meredith said aloud, her voice sounding a lot more assured than she felt. She raced to the counter and searched frantically through the needles to find the one she needed.

Jimmy was still screaming, "Oh God, please! Please, help me! _Please!_"

"Sir, I'm going to help you," Meredith responded; she didn't recognize her own voice speaking. "But I'm going to need you to lay as still as you can for a minute so I can inject this morphine, okay? You have to hold still so I can give you something for the pain. Can you do that for me?"

"God, help me, please!" Jimmy wailed.

"Okay! Okay, sir, I need you to hold still!" Meredith ordered, panic and bile rising in her throat. "Please, just hold still and I can give you something that'll help with the pain!"

"What's going on?" Addison asked, rushing in.

"He's not supposed to be awake--"

"Well he obviously is, Dr. Grey, how are you going to proceed?" Addison demanded.

"I'm trying to push this morphine but he won't stop moving," Meredith explained, feeling herself begin to sweat. "Can you--can you talk to him or hold him still or something?"

Addison approached the man with a confident and controlling stance that calmed Meredith down. "Sir--" She looked up at Meredith. "What's his name?"

"Jimmy," Meredith answered, filling the needle with morphine.

"Jimmy, my name's Addison, I'm a doctor. I need you to stop moving around so much, okay? This is Meredith, she's a doctor too, and she's trying to help you but she can't do that unless you hold still for a little bit, okay? Can you do that, Jimmy?" She grabbed his hand. "Do you want to squeeze my hand?"

"I want to die!" Jimmy screamed. "God, the pain, it hurts so much!"

"Jimmy, listen to me, you are not going to die, okay? Meredith knows what she's doing, she's a very good doctor, you couldn't be in better hands. Now will you do something for me? Hold still, and look at me. Do you have a girlfriend, Jimmy? Or a wife?"

He nodded, gasping for breath. "Uh huh."

"What does she look like?" Addison asked. "Can you tell me about your wife?"

"She has--brown hair," Jimmy gasped out.

"Good, good, what else?" Addison urged, squeezing his hand tighter.

"Her name… is Delilah," he continued, moving around a lot less now.

"Good!" Addison whispered soothingly, and nodded to Meredith. Slowly, Meredith injected the morphine and breathed a sigh of relief when it was all in.

"Jimmy, you feeling any better?" she asked.

"A--little," he wheezed. He was almost completely still now and Meredith and Addison watched as the morphine began to take effect and Jimmy closed his eyes, slipping back into unconsciousness.

Meredith heaved a huge sigh of relief. "Thank you," she breathed.

"Good work, Dr. Grey," Addison commended. "How much more did you push?"

"It should be enough to keep him under until Dr. Sloan and Dr. O'Malley get back."

"Where did they go?"

"To try and find his face. Dr. Sloan wants to see if he can do a reattachment surgery."

Addison smirked. "He would. And he didn't ask you to go with him?"

Meredith wasn't sure what answer Addison wanted to hear, so she gave an uncertain, "Oh, um, no."

Addison studied her for a moment. "I'm surprised. You've proven yourself very capable of doing good work under stress today, Meredith. You should be proud."

"Thank you," Meredith said honestly, relieved. She turned back to the counter and began cleaning up the mess she'd made while searching for the morphine and heard Addison give a big sigh behind her.

"How do things like this happen?"

Meredith froze. Were they really going to talk about Derek? Other than earlier today they hadn't spoken, not even at the hospital, since Addison had told her to stay away from them. It was time to clear the air and forget it had ever happened.

"Addison, I--"

"I mean, you don't wake up in the morning and think, 'Today's the day I'm going to get mauled by a lion'," Addison continued. "You don't wake up and say to yourself, 'I'm going to cheat on my husband with his best friend today' either, but it happens anyway. And then the next morning when you wake up alone you don't think you're going to do it again, but you do." She took a shaky breath. "And you can't stop and suddenly every day is that day, suddenly you're reliving it every single day and then one morning you wake up and you wonder, 'What the fuck am I doing?' That's when you try to make your life right and save lives and start over and put the past behind you."

Meredith was rooted to the spot, unable to move. Addison had just bared her soul and she'd understood every word. For some reason she'd always thought that Addison's train of thought would be irrational and selfish and make no sense to her, but Meredith knew exactly what she was talking about. She hadn't woken up that ill-fated Wednesday in the Dartmouth t-shirt and known that that would be the day she would lose Derek forever.

She looked into Addison's eyes and there was a second where they both knew that they understood each other, that they were tired of this fight and that they were ready to move on.

"I'm sorry about what I said to you," Addison said finally. "I shouldn't have told you to stay away from Derek. He's a colleague and clearly a very dear friend. He needs you, Meredith. He needs you to be his friend. And I need you too."

Meredith didn't know what to think. Derek clearly hadn't told his wife about the phone call he'd made to Meredith the night before, but she was more preoccupied with Addison's last statement. "What?"

"I would love for us to move past our differences and be able to call each other friends," Addison said simply.

It was completely unexpected and pleasantly surprising. "I… uh, yeah, I would like that too," Meredith finally managed.

Addison smiled and laughed, relieved. "Oh, good. Whew! God, I'm glad I got that off my chest!"

Meredith had to laugh with her a little bit. "Yeah, me too."

X

"Okay, I'm freaking out," Meredith announced, plopping down at the lunch table. "Addison told me this morning that she wanted to be friends."

"Our guy died," Cristina whined morosely, gesturing between herself, Izzie and Alex. "It totally would have been surgical too, if he'd made it."

"Hello, are you listening? I said that Addison wants us to be friends. I was expecting a 'seriously?' or at least a long sentence filled with expletives and McNames."

Cristina sighed. "Okay, seriously? Mrs. McDreamy is the least of your problems right now. You asked McVet to move in with you and he has no idea that he is walking into a… McTrap."

Meredith gave a nod of approval. "Thank you."

"What were you thinking asking him to move in with you? We all told you we thought it was a horrible idea."

"_I_ don't think it's a horrible idea," Izzie supplied. "Mer's been so down lately and this is just what she needs to get her mind off… things."

"I don't need to get my mind off anything," Meredith defended. "I want this relationship with Finn, I'm ready to take things to the next level. He has plans."

Her friends exchanged a dubious look.

"You want to end up like George and Torres?" Cristina threatened. "She didn't even live there a week and now they're not speaking to each other."

"Yeah, well that's because genius here," Izzie motioned to Alex, "told George that Callie slept with Mark Sloan."

"The guy had a right to know," Alex shrugged. "Just doing him a favor."

"And we're doing you a favor," Cristina told Meredith honestly. "Don't do this, Meredith."

She looked around the table at the doubtful faces of her friends and sighed. "So what am I going to do about Addison?"

"If she says she wants to be friends, you should go for it," Izzie shrugged. "She's ready to move on and be the bigger person, at least give her a chance."

"See, that's what I think she wants. She wants to look like the better person. And I'm not sure I want to give her that satisfaction," Meredith admitted.

"And if she genuinely wants to be friends with you?" Izzie asked.

Meredith let the question hang in the air unanswered.

X

"So why'd you do it?" It was later that evening and Cristina was doing an hourly checkup on Tim, the man least injured in the car accident.

"Sorry?" he asked.

"Why did your friend stick his face in a lion's cage? Does he have a death wish?"

Tim smiled. "Jimmy's a daredevil. Well, we all are, we work at a circus, for God's sake. But Jimmy always wanted to be something bigger than… well, a clown. So he does all this stuff to prove that he's the big man on campus."

"Like playing with lions," Cristina deadpanned.

"We weren't working when it happened," Tim went on. "All week Jimmy had been saying that he was gonna go mess with the lions. Ray and I just went with him, you know, cause… he's our friend. And that's what you do for your friends, you support them even if you don't agree with what they're doing. Even if you think they're a stupid idiot, you stand by 'em." He laughed a little darkly. "And now Ray's dead and Jimmy's face is gone--"

"Mr. Roberts, Dr. Sloan is going to do everything he can to fix Jimmy's face. He's one of the best." Cristina assured him. She finished up the chart quickly and gave the night nurse instructions about what to do if anything should happen.

She took the walk to the elevator slowly, thinking about what she'd heard that patient say. Meredith might be making a mistake, but as her friend, as her person, it was her job to support her even if she didn't think she was making the right choice. This was huge. For Meredith, this was huge. Taking a step like this on her own, inviting someone to move in with her. She was probably nervous as hell, and Cristina's doubt was likely only making matters worse. Didn't she deserve a little honest support in this? Wasn't that what friends were supposed to be for?

It was time to be the bigger person.

X

Meredith bumped into Derek as he was coming out of a conference room.

"Sorry," she said quickly, evading his gaze.

"Meredith." His voice was quiet. Soft. The way he'd talked to her in the mornings when they'd just woken up. It made her heart hurt.

She gave an exasperated sigh and turned back around to look at him. "What?"

"Thank you," he replied, "for being my friend last night."

"Oh." Unexpected… "Okay. You're welcome."

"Look, ah, I didn't mean to--I shouldn't have talked to you about--"

"It's okay," Meredith interrupted. "It's what friends do."

"So we're friends," Derek said with a smile.

"Yeah," Meredith said softly. "Friends."

"Friends."

They stood there for a moment, smiling at each other, and for just a second, the world didn't seem as scary. Life wasn't as intimidating, and the craziness stopped for a brief, brief instant where everything made sense.

Then, Meredith laughed nervously and said, "Well, I should really go, so--"

"Oh, yeah, of course," Derek said, laughing with her. "See you tomorrow.

"Bye."

Meredith walked away from Derek and felt relief settle over her shoulders. She knew where she stood with Derek and she was ready to keep moving forward. Walking toward the elevators, she spotted Addison about to get on and thought that maybe she could make another friend today.

"Can you--" she called out. Addison held the door for her and Meredith rushed to get on. "Thanks," she said, a little out of breath. Gathering her courage, she asked, "Hey, are you doing anything right now? Do you want to go get a drink or something?"

Addison smiled. "Yeah, yeah, of course, I'd love that."

"Good."

"You know, I'm really glad we can do this," Addison said after an awkward pause. "After the whole stealing my husband and then me stealing him back and then you sleeping with him and then me getting pregnant thing… I'm glad we can do this."

Meredith plastered a smile on her face and gave a forced, "Yeah…" Silence fell again. "Oh, um, how's your baby?"

A grin swept across Addison's face, and even though there was no bump to prove it yet, she placed a proud hand across her stomach. "She's wonderful. Well, I think it's a she. I'm hoping it's a she. And Derek says he wants a boy but I know he secretly wants a girl. The first ultrasound was a couple of days ago… um, here…" She fished through her designer purse and retrieved an ultrasound picture. "There she is," Addison beamed, pointing to a small blob in the picture.

Meredith had to smile as well. "She looks healthy."

"And she's going to stay that way," Addison assured her, putting the picture back. And again, that dreaded silence fell. They both sighed inwardly. This was going to be a long night…

X

Derek sat alone in the break room, quietly nursing a cup of coffee and flipping through a medical journal. But every page turn, every beat of his heart, every thought that entered his mind was Meredith, Meredith, Meredith. He sighed and rubbed his eyes. _Just imagine what your son or daughter is going to look like,_ he told himself, _imagine the wonderful baby you and Addison are going to have together. _

He closed his eyes and pictured a little girl with sparkling blue eyes and shock of dark hair. Yes, he told himself, she would be perfect.

"Derek?" The Chief's voice drew him out of his reverie. Richard was looking down at him, concerned. "You all right?"

Derek managed a weak smile. "I'm fine."

Richard took a seat beside him. "How's Addison?"

"She's doing well, the baby's not giving her too much trouble," Derek answered noncommittally. Richard stared at him, saying nothing, but his look demanded a better answer than that. Finally, Derek asked, "Did you know that Addison had an affair with Mark Sloan for four months after I left New York?"

Richard blinked. "It's news to me."

"She also got pregnant with his baby and aborted it." His voice was monotone, flat, emotionless.

"Was she the one who told you all this?" Richard asked.

Derek nodded. "Yesterday." He shook his head and gave a self-effacing laugh. "She had an affair with him for four months and waited until yesterday to tell me."

"What would you have done if you'd known before?" Richard prodded.

"If I'd known when she first came to Seattle I wouldn't have spoken to her," Derek answered immediately. "I would have filed for divorce right away and stayed with Meredith." He took a shaky sigh. "And if she aborted Mark's baby--" Derek shook his head. "Nevermind."

"Are you going home tonight?" Richard questioned, rising from the armchair.

"No, I'm on call."

"Well, if you need anything--"

"I know where to find you," Derek finished.

The door closed behind Richard as he left and Derek leaned back and closed his eyes again. This time, his daughter had honey-blonde curls and a Mona Lisa smile just like her mother's.

X

"Any interesting patients today?" Meredith asked lamely, desperate for something to talk about with Addison.

"Well, there was that lady you helped me with," Addison answered, taking another sip of her cosmo. "A couple of routine consults, but nothing extremely fascinating. How's no-face guy?"

"Stable. Dr. Sloan is going to try to attach his face tomorrow if he makes it through the night." _Oh God_, Meredith groaned inwardly. _If this is going to turn into a talk about patients and medicine I'm not going to make it… _

"Clowns have always kind of weirded me out," Addison admitted sheepishly.

Meredith cracked a smile, surprised and relieved to be talking about something else other than being a doctor. "Really?"

"Yeah, my brother made me watch IT when we were little and I guess I never really got over it."

"I hate clowns," Meredith confessed. "Bad experience at a circus."

Addison laughed. "Well there you go, we have something in common!"

Meredith thanked Joe as he put another drink in front of her and then asked Addison, "So you have a brother?"

Addison sighed fondly but rolled her eyes. "Yeah, Archer, he's a couple of years older."

"Do you two get along?"

She shrugged. "Most of the time. My friends were always just old enough for him to be interested in, so we fought a lot when we were kids."

Meredith laughed. "I always wanted a brother or sister. When I was little--"  
She stopped.

"What?" Addison asked.

"No, it's stupid."

"No, go ahead."

Meredith sighed, slightly embarrassed. "When I was little I would always wish for a brother or sister on my birthday. If it was a brother we would practice pretend surgeries on each other. And if it was a sister we would practice pretend surgeries on each other."

Addison laughed. "So you always knew you wanted to be a surgeon."

"It was all I knew. And later, when I did know other things, they just didn't interest me. I wanted to be good, and I didn't have much to distract me."

"I never thought about that…" Addison said quietly, tracing the rim of her glass with a manicured fingernail.

"About what?"

"Well you said you were always lonely when you were a kid. I just wondered… I mean, I'm lucky to have this baby now, but if I can't have another one or if I don't want another one… I don't want my baby to be lonely."

"Addison," Meredith said calmly. "You are going to be a great mother. I can tell. Don't worry. About anything." She meant it.

Addison smiled warmly. "Thank you." She meant it.

A hour later, they were still talking avidly, laughing and joking like two people who had known each other for years when the ringing of Meredith's phone suddenly interrupted the conversation. She glanced down absently and then gasped.

"I'm sorry, I have to take this. Hello, Finn? I am so sorry, I went out and--oh my God, I can't believe I forgot--I'll be right there. Yeah. Ten minutes. Okay. Oh my G--yeah, okay. Okay. Bye." Meredith hung up and apologized. "I'm sorry, I have to go."

Addison furrowed her brow. "What's up?"

"It's Finn, I promised to help him move in and he's at the house now with all his stuff, and I completely forgot--" She winced, knowing how it must sound. "I'm sorry."

"Finn's moving in with you?" Addison was surprised.

Meredith plastered on a smile as she yanked on her coat. "Yeah."

Addison smiled too. "Wow, I didn't know you guys were… that close."

"Finn has plans. And I'm happy," Meredith said confidently, but she was assuring herself more than Addison. "So, I have to go, I'm sorry. But… I had a lot of fun. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure, see you later!" Addison watched her retreating figure and was puzzled. They'd hardly been dating for a month and already Finn was moving in. It was good, she told herself. Healthy. Meredith was moving on from Derek. It was good. She was happy with someone else now. Addison paused suddenly, realizing what she'd just concluded. Meredith had moved on--just like she herself had told her to do earlier when she'd been jealous. They'd only been dating for a month… Addison was glad Meredith was happy, but if she was just moving on for the sake of moving on… someone was going to get hurt.

X

"I'm here, I'm here!" Meredith announced as she rushed through the front door.

"You're very late," Izzie whispered through clenched teeth, walking upstairs with a box.

"I know, I know, I was at Joe's with Addison and… I'll tell you later. Where's Finn?"

"Meredith?" Finn called, coming downstairs.

"Hey," she said with a tired smile, letting him kiss her forehead. "Sorry I'm so late. What can I do to help?"

"There's a bunch more boxes in the car," Finn said, and Meredith followed him out to the driveway.

"Finn," she said quietly, taking his hand. "I'm sorry, really."

His eyes met hers and he smiled sadly. "Meredith, are you sure you want to do this?"

Her heart was as panicky as a rabbit's in her chest. "Yes. Yes, I'm positive."

"We don't have to do this if you don't want to," Finn assured her. "If me moving in is too much too fast, you can tell me. I know you're not really… I know intimacy is a tough thing for you to do. And the fact that you made this decision so quickly… I want to make sure you know what you're doing, Meredith."

She nodded vigorously. "I do, I do know what I'm doing, and I know I want you to move in. I just--"

"Meredith," he cut her off, "I love you. And I don't expect you to say that back, because I know you. But if we're going to move in together and have any shot at a future, I need you to at least think it, even if you're not going to say it." Meredith fumbled wordlessly, trying to wrap her mind around what he was saying. Finn gave another sad smile. "I know you care about me a lot, Meredith. I know you like spending time with me. But you don't--"

"I love you!" she blurted, and then regretted her lie. "I do!"

He brushed his thumb across her cheek. "I don't want to be the man you love because you can't have the man you love."

"What? I--"

"You love Derek," Finn said bluntly. "Anybody with eyes can see that. I don't want to be the guy who chases you around when it's clear that you're in love with someone else. You should be happy, Meredith. And you're not going to be happy with me. Not while Derek Shepherd is alive and breathing."

"I…" Meredith exhaled a laugh, speechless. "Finn, if you don't want to move in, it's--"

"It's okay," Finn promised. "Really. I'll have all my boxes out in a couple minutes." He gave her hand one last squeeze. "Goodbye Meredith. And good luck." He leaned down and kissed her chastely on the lips and went back inside the house.

Meredith stood alone at the end of her driveway, still unsure about what had happened.

X

She was still standing there twenty minutes after Finn drove away, so Izzie came out to check on her.

"Mer? You okay?"

"I'm fine," she said, which at this point had become her default response.

"Well, I think he beat Callie's record for shortest time living in the house," Izzie joked, trying to lighten the mood.

Meredith smirked, her eyes not watery but not dry either. "I heard about George's dad. How is he?"

Izzie gave a sad sigh. "It doesn't look good. But George told me that he called another doctor, someone from Mercy West to come in and operate."

"Why would he do that?" Meredith asked skeptically. "What's wrong with Burke?"

"Nothing's wrong with Burke," Cristina called defensively, approaching from her car. "I came to help McVet move in," she explained somewhat sheepishly.

Meredith looked up at her. "Seriously?"

"Seriously. Where is he?"

Izzie shifted nervously. "He left," Meredith answered honestly.

"To get more boxes?"

"No, to… go save more animals or something. I don't know."

Cristina furrowed her brow. "I don't understand."

"He dumped me, Cristina." There was a silent pause and then she took a breath and explained. "Something about how it was obvious that I was in love with Derek and he didn't want to be second best because I couldn't have what I really wanted."

Cristina was stunned. "He said that?"

Meredith laughed a little. "Yeah, I know. What a load of crap."

Cristina chuckled along with her, but Izzie saw the look on her face and it said "that's not what I meant."

"I mean, I am so not in love with Derek it's not even funny," Meredith said, her laughing now turned to full-out giggling. "What a stupid thing to say, I mean, come on. I'm glad he left, because clearly he doesn't even know me. Anyone who knows me knows that I am definitely not in love with Derek Shepherd, right?"

She was doubled over laughing and Izzie and Cristina exchanged a worried look behind her back.

"Mer?" Izzie ventured. "Do you want to go inside?"

Meredith's response was an ear-splitting shriek of laughter that made Cristina cringe and spring into action. "All right, that's enough. We're going inside now and you are going to drink until you pass out and don't remember any of this. I think you'll be much happier that way."

They guided her into the house and seated her at the kitchen table with a bottle of tequila. The shot glass slammed down onto the wood of the table again and again. Izzie went upstairs around 1:30 to take a shower and never came back, but Cristina stayed, watching her best friend from across the table. When the bottle was more than halfway empty Meredith finally stopped and looked up.

"You came to help with the move," she said slowly, quietly, finally realizing what it meant.

"It's what friends do, I guess…" Cristina said, shifting uncomfortably. She hated emotion, sappiness.

"You're a good friend," Meredith said proudly, her intoxication showing through.

"Yes, I know."

"Everyone else thought it was a dumb idea too, but you came to help even though you didn't want to."

"Yes, I know," Cristina said patiently. Meredith could get to be a bit repetitive and obvious when she was drunk, but Cristina knew how to deal with it better than anybody. Just wait it out, and eventually she'd realize that enough was enough.

Meredith took one more shot and then whispered, "I'm in love with Derek Shepherd."

Cristina nodded sadly. "Yes. I know."

_They always tell you that friendship shows up in unexpected places. But they never tell you that sometimes it defies all rules and expectations. That sometimes, you find yourself becoming a better person because of someone else._


	8. Chapter 8

To put it lightly, this is the chapter you've all been waiting for.

* * *

_There have been more statements made about love than probably any other subject. "All you need is love", "Love conquers all", "Love is all that matters." But perhaps one of the most accurate statements about love was made in a rock song during the 80's: "Love sucks."_

"Hey, so are you and Burke still not talking?"

"I'm not talking about the not talking," Cristina said adamantly, shoveling down a spoonful of Wheaties. "Because I know I'm right and I'm not backing down."

"Whatever…" Meredith sighed, pouring another cup of coffee.

Cristina pointed accusingly at her best friend with her spoon. "Hey! I was there for you when McVet decided to--"

"Ugh, can you please not call him that?" Meredith winced.

"I was there for you when _Finn _decided to go AWOL even though I thought he was annoying and dumb, so… support me here."

Izzie suddenly bustled into the kitchen and stage-whispered, "Hey, when George comes down here, don't say anything about his D-A-D."

"Nothing's wrong with my D-A-D, Iz," George said from the doorway. "He's getting surgery today and he is going to be okay. Hurry up, I'll be out in the car."

"Does he not know that his dad's _not _getting that surgery?" Cristina asked once he'd left.

"Yes, and it is going to stay that way," Izzie said firmly. "That's what his dad wants. Come on, we're gonna be late."

Meredith hurriedly finished the rest of her breakfast. As she walked out into the hallway to put on her coat and grab her bag, she called into the kitchen, "Oh, and for the record, Finn was not annoying and dumb. He just… wanted things that I couldn't give him."

Cristina corrected, "Things you couldn't give him because he wasn't Derek Shepherd."

"Shut up…" Meredith grumbled.

Cristina made a face and rushed past Meredith out the door. "Shotgun!"

_So there's love, and then there's sex. Which… sometimes also sucks._

Addison's head dropped back down onto her pillow and she sighed contentedly. Sex was good. Sex was wonderful. How had she gone this long without having sex?

"Thank you," she said to Derek. "I needed that."

He smiled, starting to get up. "No problem. Any time."

She grabbed his hand and pulled him back down on top of her with a lascivious grin. "You want to go again?"

Derek laughed uncomfortably and said, "We have to go to work."

Addison considered this for a moment, then nodded her approval. "You're right. They have on-call rooms, we'll be fine."

Derek gave another nervous laugh and hurried to get dressed. But Addison lingered in bed a few moments longer. Okay. The sex hadn't been _that _good. It actually… it actually was pretty awful, but she hadn't really noticed. She was just so glad that Derek was showing an interest in sex again that she didn't really care. It had been all she could think about when she woke up, and even after they'd done it, it was still occupying a large part of her thoughts.

Addison gave a frustrated sigh and her hand went instinctively to her belly, where no change was visible, but she knew it was there. Inside of her, right now, was a beautiful baby that she and Derek had created together. She was likely the product of angry sex and too much scotch, but she was there just the same. Alive. Moving. Perfect. A goofy smile spread across her face at the thought of a baby crawling around on the floor… she hoped it was a girl.

X

"Hey, George!" Callie called down the hall. She approached him and kissed his cheek lightly. "How's your dad?"

"He's doing all right," George sighed. "I'm staying optimistic about the surgery, I think he's gonna be fine. How are you?"

"Good," Callie said, trying to look enthusiastic about a surgery she knew wasn't happening. "If you need to talk or you need to… have sex…"

George smiled and nodded. "Yeah, I might need that later."

Callie grinned too. "Okay. See you soon."

"Bye."

"Bye."

"Callie!" Addison shouted urgently, walking briskly up to her as George left. "Problem."

"Problem. Go."

"Sex," Addison stated simply. "It's all I can think about today. Sex, sex, sex."

"Is this a pregnant… hormone imbalance thing?" Callie asked curiously.

Addison shook her head and squirmed. "I don't know what it is but it's bad."

"Bad? How is this bad?"

Addison lowered her voice and made sure no one was around and listening. "I'm not just thinking about sex with Derek, I'm thinking about sex with _everyone_. Everyone I see. I have never been this horny in my entire life."

Callie looked confused. "So… right now. You're… thinking about sex with me?"

"Well now that you brought it up, yes, I am thinking about it," Addison sighed, and she and Callie both made faces. "See how this is a problem?"

"Well, look on the bright side, at least you're having sex with Derek again," Callie tried to be uplifting. "Right? I mean, that's good."

Addison nodded and smiled falsely. "Yes. Yes, that is good."

"Yeah, eyes on the prize," Callie encouraged.

"I'll focus on that," Addison told herself. "Focus on Derek… Derek and his strong, masculine--"

Callie held up a hand. "Ah, stop! Stop right there!"

"Stopping."

"Just… calm down, and breathe, and… try not to think about sex."

"Have you ever tried to not think about sex while looking at babies and vaginas all day?" Addison deadpanned. "It's difficult when you're a gynecologist."

Callie smirked and gripped her friend's shoulder reassuringly. "Hang in there."

X

"So…" Meredith began slowly as she and Derek ran a patient through CT. "How are things with you and Addison?"

Derek turned to look at her. "What are you doing?"

Meredith laughed nervously. "I… I'm being your friend. Remember? We're friends now."

"Yeah, I remember," Derek said sharply. "But you can't be my friend here. Not at the hospital. That's not how this is going to work."

"How is it going to work then?" Meredith retorted angrily. He didn't answer. She pressed further uncharacteristically. "What's going on? Is this about us?"

"There is no us, Meredith," Derek snapped suddenly. "Okay? Not anymore." Silence fell. The scans popped up on the computer screen and Derek nodded. "Yep. Like I thought. Dr. Grey, book an OR please and prep the patient for surgery." He rose from his chair and walked purposefully out of the room.

Meredith sat there in shock. What was wrong with him? Four days ago they had been fine. Well, as fine as they could be given the circumstances. And now he didn't want to have anything to do with her. Her mind raced to the conclusion that something had happened with him and Addison. Her throat tightened. Was she not doing a good job at that whole distancing thing Addison had yelled at her about? No, she and Addison were friends now--she stopped. She thought she and Derek were friends too and look how that had turned out. What was going on?

X

"I did it," Izzie announced proudly, sliding up next to George at the nurses' station.

"Did what?" he asked, relatively disinterested.

"The check. It's gone."

He misunderstood and panicked. "You--what--Isobel Stevens, what did you do with it?"

"I put it in the bank, George," Izzie scoffed. "Calm down. What's wrong, you're acting all weird."

"Oh gee, I don't know, maybe it's just the fact that my dad is getting major heart surgery today," George shrugged self-deprecatingly.

Izzie faltered. "Oh--yeah, yeah, right, of course--" She winced. "Sorry."

George narrowed his eyes at his best friend. "Now you're acting weird."

"Let's talk about something else, something happy!" Izzie suggested, trying desperately to steer the conversation away from George's father.

"Want to hear something funny?" he asked, leaning in and smirking with the excitement of a good secret. "Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd is horny today. Like, _super _horny."

"George, that's not funny, that's weird," Izzie said, making a face and looking around. "How do you even know something like that?"

"Callie told me," he answered simply. "And it is funny, trust me. Apparently she's thinking about sex with like _everyone _she sees--"

"Again, George, _weird_," Izzie shuddered, and changed the subject for a second time. "So you and Callie are talking again?"

"Yeah," George said with a smile. "We're actually doing more than talking, in case you wanted to know…"

"Okay, if you make one more sex-related comment I am going to walk away."

"She's been really great to have these pasts couple of days, you know, with my dad and everything," George said seriously. "It's been really nice to have her around. She's been… I like her a lot, Izzie."

"Yeah, I know," Izzie said absently. Callie was okay, she guessed. But if George was so worried about his dad, why hadn't her turned to her, Izzie, for advice and comfort? They were supposed to be best friends, after all.

"I know you're not crazy about her, but… she's good, Iz. You should give her a chance."

Izzie shook her head to clear her thoughts. She suddenly didn't want to have this conversation anymore. "I've got to, um… Dr. Bailey, she wants me to… gotta go, see you later…" She hurried away from George and tried desperately to brush her feelings under the rug. But that had never been her forte.

X

Peace and quiet. And babies. And absolutely no sexual thoughts whatsoever. Addison was proud that she'd found such a good place to spend her time today. The babies in the NICU needed to have their charts updated and she was doing her best to avoid thinking sexually about anyone, so this was the right place to do it. She checked her watch and groaned. Only fourteen more hours…

"Are the rumors true?"

Addison nearly dropped the chart she was holding when she heard the voice. Of all the people she really didn't want to run into today, Mark Sloan was at the top of her list. The tippy-top. With his name circled four times and underlined.

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said airily, which was true. "Nor do I care. Please leave, I'm trying to work."

"This is work?" Mark mocked, spreading his arms, gesturing to the NICU filled with dozens of infants around them.

"They're my patients, Mark," Addison said dryly. She did not, as a rule, allow herself to look at him. Not today. Even the grungy janitor had elicited lascivious thoughts from her. There was no telling what Mark would do if she gave him the slightest chance, and she did not plan on doing that.

"The rumors _are_ true," he observed shrewdly. "You always get defensive when you're turned on. It allows you to think you have the power."

A crimson blush swept her cheeks. "Wha--"

"Word on the street is that you're horny as hell today."

Her mouth fell open. Callie had told someone? Callie had told _Mark_?In a moment of weakness she allowed herself to peek up at his face, and it was a mistake. She could have gone without seeing his smug grin outlined by the rugged stubble on his jaw that made her knees begin to buckle… Quickly, she spat, "Calliope Torres is _dead_."

"So you confirm them," Mark challenged, stepping closer, something she recognized as one of his tell-tale threat tactics.

"Your bruised ego healed pretty quickly," Addison snapped, changing the subject. And it was true. Not long ago he'd been moping about her decision and now here he was, backing her into a wall.

"I rebound pretty fast," he smirked.

"Yeah, I remember," she shot back.

"Are you bantering with me?"

She looked up from her chart, startled. "Excuse me?"

He smirked. "That was banter. You're flirting with me."

Her heart pounded and she heard it in her ears. "No I'm--"

"Yeah, see, the way you looked at me over your glasses just then--that was flirting."

Frustrated, she yanked her glasses off her face. "That was just _looking_. With my eyes." Once the sentence was out of her mouth it sounded dumb and obvious, but it was difficult to think when he was standing so close, talking about these stupid, _stupid_ things. Oh, she couldn't concentrate. She couldn't function, not when she knew what was under that dark blue scrub top…

Mark raised an eyebrow, amused by her statement, then took hold of her arm at the elbow, pulling her into him. "There's no one here, come on," he whispered heavily in her ear.

Instantly she was aware of every chiseled muscle in his arm, every sinewy fiber that was pressed right up against her body. "There are babies here!" Addison gasped, squirming to get away despite the carnal pull behind her navel and the heat taking over her body. "And speaking of babies, I am having one soon and it is not yours, so you are going to take your hands off me right now before I am forced to kick you. Hard. Where it counts."

"Forget about the baby," Mark commanded, and she knew which one he was talking about, "and look at me."

Addison shook her head furiously but it did little to stop the onslaught of groping hands and hot lips. She pushed against his sculpted chest and mumbled protests from beneath his lips but her efforts were ineffectual and her chart clattered to the ground in surrender.

Mark was relentless, prying at her lips with his tongue until she was finally too tired to fight anymore and let him in. His mouth was warm and comforting and familiar and he backed them into a corner, into the darkness, away from the prying eyes of the world. Addison leaned her head back against the wall and let Mark kiss a wet trail down her neck, dangerously close to the low neckline of her blouse.

"We can't do this--" she panted, holding his head in her hands as his hot breath seeped down in between her breasts and made her shiver. Oh, _God_. She felt a hot pulsation between her legs and didn't know how much longer her knees could hold her up. "We-- Mark…"

Coherent thought was impossible as his dexterous, surgical fingers undid the last button on her blouse and his strong hands slid across her torso, snaking up behind her back, eager to undo the clasp on her bra.

"No…" she mumbled weakly, eyes wide as saucers.

Mark nodded. "Yes."

She felt his hands smooth across the thin layer of lace and arched up into his touch, but then they both froze as the door clicked open. Addison yelped and ducked her head out of sight, hiding behind Mark's tall frame; a nurse squeaked an apology and the door slammed shut. But the incident had startled Addison badly and she straightened herself up, buttoning her blouse again. Her hands were shaking and her breaths came in constricted gulps.

Mark leaned his forehead against hers and whispered, "Hey… Baby, it's okay, she couldn't see you, no one will know… shh… it's okay…"

Addison shook her head fiercely. "No, Mark! Whatever this is, it is not okay." Biting back the sob that was rising in her throat, she ran from the room and didn't bother to grab her discarded charts on the way out.

X

_You can do this, Meredith_, she told herself as she approached Derek at the nurses' station. _This is business. This is work. You're not friends here. You're not anything here. No emotion. No connection. No fear. Just do it._

"Dr. Shepherd?" Had she always sounded that small? "Our patient in 2117 is prepped for surgery, I booked OR 1 for 7 pm." Victory!

"Thank you, Dr. Grey," he said objectively, and then returned to the paperwork in front of him. No smile. No eye contact. No nothing. Stuffing her hands in the pockets of her lab coat, Meredith sighed and walked off.

Derek watched her go, acutely aware of the pieces of hair that had fallen free from her ponytail, the way she bit her bottom lip, the tiny squeak as her socks rubbed against the insides of her shoes. All the things that made her Meredith still happened when he wasn't there. She still pushed the sleeves of her red shirt up to her elbows. She still made faces at Cristina as they conversed in passing. She was still Meredith without him. But was he still Derek without her?

"Lover's quarrel?" Bailey drawled from beside him.

"Excuse me?" Derek asked, taken by surprise.

"You and Grey, something not jiving today?"

"We're coworkers, Dr. Bailey. Dr. Grey and I have a strictly professional relationship."

"Does Dr. Grey know this?"

Derek laughed nervously. "Absolutely. Why?…"

"Men." Bailey shook her head disapprovingly. "Fools, all of you." She held up a hand to stop Derek's protests. "What you do in your own time is none of my business, but it does not belong at this hospital, understand? Whatever personal problems you are having with Dr. Grey--and don't say there aren't any, because any fool could take one look at that girl and know that something was wrong--whatever personal problems you are having need to be addressed immediately and cleared out before you leave this evening."

"You do know that, technically, I'm higher on the totem pole than you," Derek smirked, offended and embarrassed.

"I'm Dr. Bailey," she intoned dryly. "I have my own totem pole."

X

He would have done it anyway, even if Bailey hadn't told him to. Derek knew he needed to talk to Meredith. He needed to explain his behavior from that morning and make it clear that they were still just friends, but also professional colleagues with a good relationship at work.

He found her walking down a nondescript hallway and called out. "Dr. Grey!" She turned around and he slowed to a walk as he approached. "Meredith." He was quieter this time, as if only she could hear him call her that. It made her shiver. "I need to talk to you, is there somewhere…"

They looked around and could find no other suitable place besides an on-call room, so they went in there. She sat on the edge of the bed, elbows resting on her knees. Had she looked so tired this morning?

"I need to apologize for the way I acted this morning," he began, and was proud of his professional tone. "I shouldn't have spoken to you that way. I wanted to let you know that I would be glad to maintain a personal and professional friendship with you, if you are willing to do the same."

Meredith tried very hard not to snort derisively and bit back several sharp sentences. When she finally did speak, there was no accusation in her tone. She was tired, done and sounded hoarse when she said, "I would believe you if you said it like you meant it."

A second.

Then suddenly his mouth was on hers, and shapes that were once fuzzy were now defined, outlined boldly. The last piece of the puzzle clicked into place and she collapsed on the bed with Derek on top of her, kissing her like the sun would never rise again. Instinctively she wound her hands in his hair and kissed back, because her body knew how to do nothing else when he was around. Simple sutures were suddenly impossible because her brain had turned to mush.

"I shouldn't have spoken to you that way," Derek whispered against her lips, and it sounded like a prayer. "I wanted to let you know that I--"

_Love you_. Her hopeless, crazy mind substituted the words she so desperately wanted to hear..

"--would be glad to maintain a personal--" He untied the knot in her scrub pants and she wriggled out of them. "--and professional friendship with you, if you--"

"I'm willing to do the same," Meredith finished for him, pushing his lab coat off his broad shoulders.

Derek nodded as he came up for air. "Good. I'm glad we have an understanding."

"Me too," Meredith breathed, and he kissed her again. He knew her mouth, and she knew his. It was muscle memory. Every curve and contour was the same as it had been. This was familiar territory. This was home. Meredith knew it wasn't going to last forever. She knew it shouldn't even be happening. But it _was _happening, and she was ecstatic.

Derek's lips kissed a hot path up her slim calf, pausing for a moment at the cluster of freckles next to her knee. "Meredith," he whispered, and she thought she would die. She would always remember the intense look in his eyes as he glanced up then, the cloudy haze of unadulterated passion and love that was written all over his beautiful blue gaze. She would always remember his hand, warm and strong, smoothing her hair back from her face as he kissed her languidly, sweetly, truly. A tear slipped down her cheek as he hooked a finger on her panties, ready to drag them down. And then--

She gave a hiccup that sounded like a sob as her pager echoed throughout the room. She and Derek both froze. "It's mine," she breathed, and her voice was strained and scratchy. "I--I'm sorry--" She sat up; he pulled back.

"No," Derek shook his head and rubbed a hand across his face. "I'm sorry. I never should have--I'm so sorry--"

"Don't be," Meredith assured him, yanking her pants back on and slipping into her shoes.

"Meredith, I have more I want to say," Derek said desperately as she headed for the door.

"Yeah," she said, and her voice broke. "Me too."

The door clicked shut behind her.

_So if love sucks, and sex is only a temporary fix, why on earth do people seem to want other people so badly? We just keep hurting each other, so what makes us stick around?_

Izzie shut the car door behind her quietly. She was tired, every muscle in her body ached. It took a tremendous amount of effort to climb the stairs to the door. She shuffled through the hallway and dropped her bag there.

"No one told me," George said quietly. Izzie froze when she heard his voice; she didn't know he was home. She found him in the living room. He sat on the couch, staring at the TV in front of him, but nothing was playing. The screen was blank, and so was his expression. "No one told me that my father elected not to have life-saving surgery," George repeated, looking up at her now. "Not even you."

Izzie looked at him, her heart in her throat. She couldn't do this. "George…"

"Not even you." He started to shake quietly. Izzie walked stiff-legged to the couch and sat down next to him, not quite sure what to do.

"George," she said softly, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Instantly, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a fierce hug. She felt his tears fall onto her shirt but she didn't say anything. They rocked back and forth, a ship in a rough sea, being tossed about by the cruel hand of fate, waiting for someone, anyone to take the wheel and steer them towards land. They'd had enough wandering.

_We stick around for the moments. The moments that make our hearts beat just a little bit faster. The moments that remind us we're not alone. The moments where the past gives us hope of an even better future._

She couldn't hear the door open over her music, so she jumped when Mark appeared in the doorway of her bedroom.

"Get out," she yelped immediately.

"What are you listening to?" he winced, walking over to the CD player and turning it off. A few of Derek's old CD's sat beside it, things like The Clash and Rush, which Mark had never really gotten into. Addison, if he remembered correctly, wasn't crazy about them either, so he wasn't sure why she'd been blasting them at full volume.

"Get out," she repeated.

"I think we should talk," Mark said.

"What is there to talk about, Mark?" Addison asked hoarsely. "We were a thing once, but we're not anymore. Stop pretending that we're together. Stop trying to ruin my marriage, because for once in my life, I am happy."

"Are you?"

"What?"

"Are you happy?" he persisted.

"I'm having Derek's baby, Mark, yes, of course I'm happy. It's all I ever wanted."

"Is it?"

"Get out of here, please, just get out--"

"I want you to listen to me," Mark said forcefully, interrupting her. "Really listen. I know that to you, I'm a manwhore. I'm Mark, Derek's best friend. I'm the screw-up, the comic relief, the one nobody ever takes seriously. But you did, Addison, you took me seriously those months that we were together in New York. I _love _you. I did then and I do now, and after what happened today I don't know how you can even pretend that you aren't attracted to me too."

"Well of course I'm _attracted _to you, Mark, I slept with you," Addison sighed exasperatedly, despite how her heart was pounding. "You are attractive. But I don't love you. Not the way that I love Derek, not--"

"You don't love Derek," Mark cut in. "Maybe you did at one point, but not anymore. And he doesn't love you either, Addie. He's crazy for that Grey girl, and everyone knows it."

"I told you to get out!" Addison shouted, throwing a pillow at him.

"I love you, Addison, I want to take care of you--"

"If you love me then why are you hurting me like this?" she spat, tears creeping down her cheeks.

"Because you've never done anything but hurt me," Mark answered gravely, quietly, honestly, and she didn't know what to say.

"I--wha--you--you ruined my marriage, Mark, I think I'm the hurt one here!"

"You killed our baby."

"Oh my God, do _not_ make this about that--"

"Well then, what the hell is it about, Red? The fact that every time I see you, I have this desperate urge to put my arm around your shoulders? The fact that no matter how many women I sleep with, I still only see you?"

"You think I don't see _you_?" Addison asked angrily, hot tears blurring her vision. "We had fun, Mark. We had a great time. But we can't, not again--"

"Says who?" Mark asked, and his voice was so full of longing and tenderness that it almost made her heart physically ache. He had come to stand beside the bed, where she was sitting with her arms crossed, biting her lip to hold back a sob. "Says who?" Mark repeated, and it just happened.

Her long arms flew up and grabbed him tightly around the shoulders, pulling him down on top of her. Their lips connected instantly, drawn together like magnets. Addison was breathless, amazed; he always did this to her, he always made her feel so beautiful, so perfect, even now when she was wearing an old Yale t-shirt and boxer shorts. Mark always made her feel like a woman. Confidently, his tongue swept her mouth and he took a firm hold on her waist. Breathing seemed unimportant and impossible when his hands smoothed down her legs, taking her shorts with them, and she smirked into his lips as she heard the clink of his belt falling to the ground.

X

Of course she was on call tonight. Of all nights. She had avoided Derek since their more-than-friendly encounter in the on-call room that afternoon, but her sanity was in bits. It was impossible to function without him. And she had to tell him. She needed a definition, as un-Meredith as that was, she needed to know where they stood and what they were going to do. It was out of character for her, and she knew that, but Derek seemed to redefine everything in her life and reshape her world. The universe turned on its axis whenever he was around but it still made sense, because he was there.

He was in his office, finishing up some paperwork. She knocked softly on the doorframe and he looked up, his face tired. "Paperwork?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said quietly, then sighed, "Meredith, I need--"

"I need to talk to you," she interrupted, knowing that it was now or never. "It's important." Derek motioned for her to shut the door and she did, hands shaking. "Okay," Meredith began, taking a shaky breath. "This is going to sound stupid, because I'm no good at talking. Talking's not what I do. I avoid. So, this is going to sound weird and dumb but I hope it makes sense because it's really, really important."

"It's okay, go ahead," Derek encouraged softly, moving to stand in front of his desk.

"I know that what happened this morning cannot happen again," Meredith started. "Because you're married and you're expecting a baby, and I respect that. But… I need you to be there, Derek. Not sexually, not romantically, just… as a friend. Because life…" Her throat felt constricted and tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. "Life doesn't make sense without you. I need you there as a friend because when I see you, the world stops spinning. I need you because…" She threw her hands up helplessly. "There's this ache, this hole in my chest and it's crazy and stupid, but I love you."

Derek looked at her, drank in her face, her hair, her eyes, her perfection. And it was dumb, it was stupid, but it was the only thing that made sense. He kissed her. And she started to cry. And he kissed her again. And again, and again, and again, until she felt like her heart would burst with love for him. Until the world was real again.

"Derek…" she whimpered against the stubble on his cheek, "We can't…"

"I know." His eyes met hers and he whispered, "But we can't _not_." He took a breath and kept speaking. "I love you, Meredith. Addison… I loved her once, but never in the way I love you. And it hurts to hurt her like this, but it hurts even more not to have you. Because I can't just be your friend, Meredith. I have to be everything. Because you are my everything, and I… maybe it's selfish, but I don't want just part of you. I want all of you, Meredith. You."

She couldn't believe that someone would say these things to her, that _Derek _would say these things to her, that her wildest dreams had come true. She was sobbing, huge, gut wrenching sobs, and he held her and kissed her. And slowly, she slipped her shoes off her feet and he untied the drawstring on her pants, and this time her panties came all the way off and joined his pants and boxers in a puddle on the floor.

_The moments that take our breath away…_


	9. Chapter 9

Thank you so much for all your awesome support with this story so far:) It makes me happy. I just came to the conclusion that it is going to be a little longer than expected, so yaaaay more reading for you and more writing for me! Enjoy this latest.  
Also, um... that finale was freakin awesome :)

* * *

_When we grew up, we learned that the saying "everybody makes mistakes" is an understatement. We find ourselves making choices we'd never thought we would and sometimes, we become someone we don't even know. _

The aggressive beeping of Meredith's pager woke her. Her heart pounded in her chest and she stumbled to get out of the bed in the on-call room. But something was in her way-she couldn't… And suddenly she remembered. Derek stirred beside her, waking up from the most peaceful sleep he'd had in months.

"Hey," he murmured groggily, grinning.

She couldn't breathe when he smiled at her that way. "Hey." Her pager beeped again; it seemed more insistent this time. "I'm sorry, I've gotta go."

"Okay," Derek said with a nod, smoothing her honey-colored hair back from her face. "We'll talk later?"

"Talk about what?" Meredith asked, shimmying back into her scrub pants.

"_This_," Derek said, gesturing to the on-call room. Their clothes were thrown haphazardly about the floor and the sheets on both bunks were rumpled and balled up at the foot of the bed.

"Yeah, yeah, later," Meredith nodded, fumbling to reclasp her bra behind her back. "Damn it," she swore under her breath as she failed again to hook the garment back together.

"Here," Derek offered, climbing out of bed to stand behind her. "I got it." With the dexterous hands of a surgeon he clasped her black bra together, then smoothed his hands down her bare back. "We'll talk later," he whispered in her ear, resting his chin on her shoulder.

Meredith nodded, immobilized with desire and an overwhelming urge to be with Derek, to stay here forever, away from the real world. "Sure."

"Okay." He squeezed her arm reassuringly and she slid back into her shirt, then out the door.

As Derek redressed himself, he looked around the room sadly. It looked like she'd never even been here. Aside from the small dip in the bed where her slim body had rested in the crook of his, there was no visual proof that _she_, Meredith Grey, had ever been there. Sighing, he leaned down to retrieve his scrub top off the floor and caught a whiff of a familiar smell. He was lead to the pillow they had shared. It was faint, but it was there. A comforting scent, a soft, quiet memory. Proof that she existed. That they had stolen a beautiful night.

Lavender.

_And while we recognize our mistakes, we hardly ever have the courage to face up to them._

Addison Montgomery Shepherd knew what guilt felt like. It was a monster that clawed at her insides, stretching her stomach in ways it was never meant to move; it gripped onto her windpipe and blocked the air to her lungs. It was an awful feeling that no amount of vodka or chocolate could alleviate. Guilt was many things, but it was not what she felt when she woke up the next morning beside Mark.

She felt quite beautiful, actually. The sun slanted in through the blinds and the bed glowed in the early morning light. Addison felt sated, full, warm, safe. _Loved_. It was disorienting, this feeling. She'd buried it for so long that now, when it was resurfacing, she almost felt like a stranger in her own skin. She wasn't sure what to do. Nothing seemed right except lying there, watching Mark stir.

She relaxed into her pillow and hugged her arms into her body, smiling. And then it was there. That feeling she was so accustomed to. As her hand brushed against her stomach, she halted suddenly.

_Guilt._

She was carrying Derek's baby inside her right now, at this very moment… and she was lying in bed next to Mark Sloan. Her stomach turned and she rushed to the bathroom, emptying her dinner from the night before into the toilet. She wasn't sure if it was from the guilt or the morning sickness, but either way it was extremely unpleasant. Addison sat on the black and white tiled floor, hugging her knees to her chest, gulping back tears.

Why did she dig herself deeper and deeper into these freaking holes? She'd studied enough psych and sociology in high school to know that she was a serious self-handicapper. She set up obstacles for herself so that when things fell apart, she'd have something to blame it on. So if she knew that she did it… why didn't she change? Why did she make the same mistakes over and over again?

Her breaths came in quick, frantic gasps; she couldn't get enough air-she was going to die. She was going to die, alone and unloved on the bathroom floor of a trailer in the middle of the woods. The sound of her sobs echoed against the walls of the tiny bathroom, consuming her thoughts. And then suddenly she was being pulled to her feet, strong arms wrapped around her shoulders and waist, yanking her up from the darkness, from the oblivion that threatened to engulf her.

Mark stroked her tangled red hair and dropped a kiss onto the top of her head. "Shh…" he whispered. "Shh…"

"I keep-why do I-the same-I tried-" Addison couldn't form full sentences through her frantic sobs. Mark quieted her again and they rocked back and forth in the doorway. Eventually, the world slowed and so did her breathing, and the only sound was the quiet creaking of the floorboards beneath their feet.

"What are we going to do?" she asked quietly against his smooth chest.

"I don't know," Mark answered honestly. Their uncertainty hung in the air cloyingly, and finally he released his protective hold on her. "I should go."

He gathered his clothes and she watched him dress, feeling less and less comfortable with her own dishabille as he layered up. Addison wrapped her arms around herself. "Maybe we should talk-"

"I don't know," he said gravely. "I don't know."

Truth.

X

"Can you keep a secret?" Izzie asked George as they power-walked after Bailey on rounds.

"If it has to do with something else my father has decided not to do, then I'm pretty sure you're the expert at keeping secrets there," George answered without missing a beat.

"Hey-what?" Izzie was dumbfounded. "George, come on, I thought we-"

"It's fine," George assured her, waving a dismissive hand. "I just had to say it… I'm sorry, go ahead."

"I found something to do with my eight million dollars," she whispered in his ear. He raised an eyebrow and she continued. "Well there's this girl, she's not even eighteen and she's never been able to stand up straight her whole life, but Callie researched this surgery that can make her walk again. Only it's like, super expensive and her mother's a single mom and there's no way they're going to be able to afford it-"

"Well it's not going to cost eight million dollars, is it?" George asked, casting a wary eye up at Bailey to make sure their conversation was still going undetected.

"No, no, but I figured I could donate some money to the mother," Izzie said, a grin spreading across her face. "Enough to cover the surgery."

"Are you allowed to do that, you know, as her doctor?"

"I'd do it anonymously," Izzie answered. "I looked it up. They'll never know where it came from and I'll know that my money's going to good use."

"Okay, assignments," Bailey barked. "Yang, you're in the pit, Grey, you're with Shepherd, Karev, you're with Torres, and Stevens, if you and O'Malley are done, you're with Dr. Montgomery Shepherd today."

"What about me, Dr. Bailey?" George asked.

"O'Malley, I told you you had the day off, you should be with your family. _Not medically_," she reminded him firmly before he could take off. "You are there as their son, not as their doctor, do you understand?"

"Yes, Dr. Bailey."

"And the rest of you-I better not see you for the rest of the day unless someone's dead, dying or about to explode."

"This is so unfair," Cristina whined as she and Meredith hurried away from Bailey. "She put me in the pit because she's pissed about the Burke thing. You know, she's always telling us to act professional, but she always lets her personal feelings about us affect where she puts us."

"Yeah," Meredith answered, not really listening. She was still trying to wrap her head around what had happened the night before.

"Oh please, what are you complaining about, she loves you," Cristina scoffed.

"How do you know that?" Meredith asked, stopping while her friend got on the elevator.

"Because she always puts you with Shepherd."

Meredith didn't have a chance to answer before the doors closed shut.

X

Mark slid a rough hand up the back of her thigh, claiming her as his own. Addison's heart raced as his bare sculpted chest pushed into hers, slipping slightly on the slick sweat. Her breath hitched as she felt his hand between their bodies, teasing her. Mark smirked against her lips and she wrapped a leg around his waist-

"Dr. Montgomery Shepherd!" Izzie shouted again.

Addison snapped back to the present. Izzie's face was turned towards hers expectantly, frantically.

"He's not breathing!" Izzie called from a few carts down in the NICU.

She jolted into action, checking for a pulse, checking for fluid in the lungs… "His diaphragmatic hernia must have ruptured, we've got to get him into surgery now if he's got any chance of surviving. Go, tell them to clear an OR, we've got an emergency here. Go, now!"

Izzie bolted out and half a minute later Addison followed with a nurse, wheeling the gurney as fast as they could. "Come on little guy, hang on, hang on…" she muttered as they headed to the surgical floor.

Izzie was there waiting when they got off the elevator. "OR 2 is empty," she announced, and Addison nodded.

"Good. Stevens, you're scrubbing in."

Izzie didn't even think to remind Addison that she was on probation, and once she did, she didn't want to remind her. The nurse took the gurney and Addison and Izzie went to the scrub room. As she washed her hands furiously, Addison cursed herself. Mark. She'd been thinking about Mark, and if she hadn't, she would have noticed the odd behavior before the baby had stopped breathing. She shook her head, disgusted with herself.

"What happened in there?" Izzie asked breathlessly, wiping her hands and arms dry.

"Nothing _happened_, Dr. Stevens," Addison said vehemently, doing the same. "Let's get in there and save this baby's life."

X

Meredith bit down on Derek's shoulder to muffle her orgasm and then fell limply against the wall of the supplies closet, breathing heavily.

"Are you ready to talk now?" Derek asked, lifting his head from her shoulder.

She made a face at him. "Okay, fine."

"Are we going to keep doing this?" he asked.

"Do you want to?"  
"Meredith, come on," Derek sighed. "Tell me what you want, and I'll do it."

The words terrified her. This was her chance, her opportunity to have Derek all to herself. And yet… "Derek, I want you. But I don't want to make you choose between me and Addison. And I don't want you to leave her alone with that baby."

"I won't have to choose," he assured her, tucking a piece of honey colored hair behind her ear. "I can be there for you and help her with the baby if she needs it."

"_If _she needs it?" Meredith echoed. "She's going to need it, Derek. You're not thinking."

"I thought this was what you wanted, Meredith."

"It is!" she told him passionately. "It is." She ran a hand down his cheek. "But I'm not going to be the other woman again."

Derek nodded. "Okay. Then… I'll tell Addison. I'll tell her."

"You'll tell her," Meredith repeated, and couldn't help but grin.

"I'll tell her." Derek kissed her forehead softly.

X

Addison threw her scrub cap down in frustration. "Call it," she instructed Izzie.

"Time of death, 11:31."

Addison walked out of the OR slowly, calmly. But once she got to the scrub room, the tears began to fall. This was preventable. How could she walk out into the lobby and tell that family that their baby was dead because of a stupid mistake she'd made? She hadn't done everything she could. She slid down the wall and onto the floor, resting her head on her knees.

This was a mess. Her life was a mess. Because of Mark. And because of her. And this baby… she choked on a sob. This baby was not going to have the best role model in the world. How was she going to be able to make good decisions for this baby when she couldn't even make good decisions for herself?

"Dr. Montgomery Shepherd?" Izzie asked quietly.

Addison looked up quickly, embarrassed. "I'm sorry, Stevens." She wiped at the corners of her eyes, trying not to smudge her makeup.

"Do you… want me to get Dr. Shepherd?"

Addison shook her head and almost laughed at the irony. "No thank you."

"I'll just…" Izzie looked around uncomfortably. "I'll just stay here then."

Quietly, she sat down next to Addison and they stayed there for a long time, not talking, not crying. Just breathing.

Finally, Addison spoke quietly. "I'm going to tell you something, and… I can't ask you not to repeat it, because… I know what happens in this hospital, people can't keep anything to themselves…"

She gave a little self-deprecating laugh, giving Izzie time to interject. If this was something about the whole McDreamy love triangle, she didn't want to be involved.

"If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to," she offered, her eyes conveying the nervousness she felt.

"No, I want to, I have to tell somebody, I'm going to explode if I don't-"

"We have counseling services, they're not allowed to tell anything they-"

"I slept with Mark," Addison blurted.

Izzie gave a small gasp, and then blushed. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-I just-"

"No, it's okay, I get it," Addison smiled sadly, wiping at her eyes. "My forgiving husband takes me back after I cheat on him, I get pregnant with his baby, and then what do I do? I cheat on him again with the same man. It's… I'm screwed up, Stevens, really, _really_ screwed up. Don't let yourself get screwed up."

"Well, I think a dead fiancé with a fatal heart condition who would have had a better chance of surviving without my stupid mistake kind of puts me in the category of at least semi-screwed-up-ness," Izzie confessed on an exhale.

Addison stared; Izzie winced, not believing that she had just uttered those words.

"I'm… sorry," she apologized, "I just… blurted, I-I've never said, I never… wow. Anyway-"

"Stevens…" Addison tried to console. She should have been more sensitive than to burden Izzie with such a heavy secret so soon after Denny's death.

"I won't tell anyone," Izzie promised, standing to leave. "About Mark."

"Stevens-Izzie. Listen to me." Addison stood too. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have… You did everything you could. Denny Duquette-that was out of your hands, there was something else going on there, something you couldn't control. Don't dwell on it. We all… make mistakes. I mean… look at me." She laughed.

Izzie looked at her with newfound respect. "You're going to make an excellent mother, you know that?"

Addison was taken aback. "I… thank you."

"Really," Izzie emphasized. "You just really know what to say to people. But you're not overly…sappy, or contrite. Kids need that. Someone honest, but… real. And I think you deserve to be happy."

Addison was shocked and touched. "Thank you," she stammered. "Thank you, really. You know, you… really are an excellent surgeon, Stevens. I'll recommend to Dr. Bailey that you're ready to come off probation as soon as possible."

Now it was Izzie's turn to be filled with gratitude. "Thank you."

X

"Ten bucks says you'll cave and talk first," Alex teased Cristina at a table in the lunchroom.

"Ten bucks says you're an idiot and this is none of your business," Cristina snapped.

"Twenty," Meredith seconded with a laugh, and she and Cristina shared a smirk over their salads.

Alex made a mocking face and went back to eating.

"Ugh, so my father is here and it is driving me crazy!" Meredith said through a mouthful of lettuce.

"He still hasn't left?" Cristina asked. "Wasn't that baby born like three days ago?"

"It's his granddaughter, Cristina," Izzie snapped suddenly. "And it's your niece, Meredith, so I think you both should show a little more respect."

The four of them stared down the end of the table at her in surprise and confusion.

"Izzie, if your mother was here right now, messing with your life, talking to your friends, don't tell me you wouldn't be freaking out just a little," Meredith retorted, nonplussed.

"What's up with you today, anyway, Iz?" Alex asked, his brow furrowed.

"Nothing's up, I'm just… worried about George's dad," she answered quickly, trying desperately to alleviate the suspicion that something was out of the ordinary with her because she knew a big secret that was threatening to swallow her whole. "I'm gonna go check on George…" she muttered, and left the table.

"Okay, there is way too much crazy going on right now," Cristina muttered, taking a sip of her drink.

"Speak for yourself," Meredith sighed.

X

Backed up against the wall of an on-call room, her fantasies of earlier that day becoming realities, Addison only felt remorse when she knew she definitely should have felt something else.

"Mark, we can't keep doing this," she panted into the crook of his neck.

"I know," he answered roughly, and didn't stop.

"No, really, Mark." Addison said seriously, pulling her head up to look into his eyes. "We have to stop doing this. I want to tell Derek."

"What?" Mark spat. She had his attention now.

"Yeah," she said with a nod.

"You remember what happened the last time you told Derek? He threatened to kick you out, and then when you wouldn't leave, he left himself. And then who did you come crying to? Me. I'm not always going to be there to pick up your pieces, Addie. You have to make a choice. Me or Derek."

She pursed her lips so she wouldn't cry. "I know, I know… but I just… I'm having his baby, Mark. I… I can't keep doing this to us. To you, to him. I want to tell him. And if that means losing both of you, then I'm willing to do it for this baby."

"He doesn't love you, Red," Mark said, his voice hoarser and more grave than she'd ever heard it. "Not like I do. You go back to him on your hands and knees now and it's all over. For all of us. Because when he throws you out again, I'm not going to be there to catch you."

Addison nodded sadly, tears sliding into her mouth as she whispered. "Okay."

And then suddenly his lips were on hers again and the cool wall was pressed against her temple, calming her. "So this is the break up sex?" she asked quietly.

"The best break up sex you'll ever have, I assure you," Mark boasted, letting his pants drop to the floor.

X

"_Where _is George?" Izzie muttered as she slammed out of the locker room. She'd been looking for him ever since lunch. She had to tell someone. George would keep it a secret, George kept everything a secret. Sitting there at lunch with Meredith, knowing that her ex-lover's wife was cheating on him with the manwhore of all manwhores was kind of hard to do and remain objective. George would know what to do. George always knew. And maybe it was selfish of her to burden him with this secret now, but she just had to tell someone. And George was her best friend, this was what friends did. They were there for each other when things sucked.

She figured she'd check his father's room again; when she'd come by earlier his family had gone to lunch in the hospital cafeteria. As she approached the room she saw Callie come out and give a shuddering breath.

"Is George-"

"Don't go in there right now," Callie instructed firmly.

"Callie, I'm his best fri-"

"Do _not _go in there right now," Callie repeated, and this time Izzie noticed the tears that were sliding down her cheeks.

And then she realized what had happened. "Oh. I- Oh my God…"

Callie just nodded and shut her eyes, more tears falling. Izzie stood there for a few moments, and then placed her hand on Callie's shoulder. Before she knew what was happening Callie was gripping her in a strong hug and they were both crying. Izzie rocked back and forth, gripping Callie tightly, thinking about how stupid it was that she wanted to whine to George about some stupid secret she'd heard. How could she have been so shallow, when all around them, people were dying every hour? Izzie bit her lip and pulled away from Callie, who was wiping her eyes furiously.

"Thank you," she whispered. "Thank you."

X

"Hey," Addison nodded to Derek as she wearily approached the nurses' station.

"Hey," Derek sighed. He looked exhausted.

"You heard-"

"O'Malley's fa-"

"Yeah."

"It's sad."

"Awful." Addison felt her heart jumping into her throat every time she opened her mouth, but she had to spit it out sooner or later. "Derek, do you think we could… talk later?" she asked shakily. "What time do you get off?"

"Ten," Derek answered. "And yeah, I wanna talk to you too."

"Good." Addison smiled. Maybe this wouldn't be as bad as she thought. "I'll already be home, so just… I'll be there."

"Okay." Derek nodded. "Then I will, too."

_Most of us would rather live forever with the guilt than own up to a mistake. It's easier, it's less painful, it helps us avoid confrontations. It helps us keep our friends, and helps us keep our enemies as well. _

Exhausted, Izzie shuffled through the front door of the house.

"Anybody home?" she called.

"In here," came the answer from the kitchen.

"What a day," she sighed, plopping down at the table next to Meredith, who was drinking a glass of wine.

"Yup," Meredith exhaled.

Izzie helped herself to a glass of wine and debated whether or not to tell Meredith the secret she'd learned. If Addison was sleeping with Mark, Derek was clearly laboring under the delusion that he was part of a legitimate marriage. And since he wasn't, that meant he could be happier somewhere else… namely, with Meredith. But was it really her right to make all these people confused and doubtful? Expose their secrets, turn their worlds upside down?

She tried to think about what she would do if they were patients and not people she deeply cared about. Did they deserve to know? Or were they better off making their own mistakes?

"Hypothetically," Izzie began shakily, "if I knew a secret that would hurt a friend, am I making it better or worse by not telling them? I mean, it's obviously a secret, so I shouldn't tell, but it's all going to come out eventually anyway, and once they find out I knew, I mean, is it better just to stay quiet, or should I-"

"Iz," Meredith interrupted, "you did the right thing. Not telling George about his dad's surgery."

"Oh, I'm not-"

"Iz," she insisted. "It's okay. It's what he wanted. And I know you feel bad about hiding that from George, but it was the right thing to do. I know today was hard for him. It was hard for all of us, seeing him like that. But you did what was best, and he knows that, even if he seems a little upset now. He knows you were only trying to protect him. We all were."

Meredith had completely misunderstood the question, which, Izzie supposed, was something she should be thankful for. She didn't know what to say. "Yeah…" she stammered absently, more lost than ever.

Meredith studied her. "That was what you were talking about, right?"

"Yeah," Izzie answered quickly. "Yeah…"

_And slowly but surely, with every day that we put off our confessions, we forget a little bit more. Our mistake doesn't seem as bad. The longer we wait, the more time things have to simmer down. It becomes easier to live with. _

Addison was startled awake by the front door of the trailer slamming. She'd tried to stay up waiting for Derek to get home, but soon it was 11:00, and then it was midnight, and even late-night infomercials couldn't keep her attention much longer than that. She'd fallen asleep around one, and now, as she glanced at the alarm clock on her bedside table, she saw that it was just after three.

"Derek?" she called groggily.

"Sorry," he mumbled, rubbing his eyes as he came into the bedroom. "Multiple traumas came into the ER right when I was about to leave-"

Addison waved her hand to silence him. "No biggie, I get it."

Derek collapsed onto the bed with an exhausted sigh, not bothering to take off his shoes.

"You must be tired," she said quietly, switching off the TV.

He shrugged. "What were you watching?"

"Stupid infomercials."

"The one about the power juicer?" he asked, cracking a smile.

"No," Addison huffed in mock exasperation.

"You always wanted one of those stupid things," he said, grinning. "You kept going on and on about it, so finally we ordered one-"

"And then it was terrible, yeah, I know, don't remind me," she finished, tousling his hair good-naturedly.

Derek was still going on, mumbling to himself. "There were big chunks of strawberry in those shakes you made when we had Weiss and Savvy over, remember? And we were all joking about how smoothies were supposed to be smooth-"

"I think someone needs some sleep," Addison teased, getting tired of his joking.

Derek chuckled one more time and kicked his shoes off. He got up just long enough to strip down to his boxers and flick off the dim overhead light, and then he fell right back into bed.

"Oh, what did you want to talk to me about?" he mumbled as he got comfortable.

Addison froze. She'd completely forgotten that she'd planned her confession for tonight. She didn't want to back out now-but at the same time did she want to do it like this, while they were both half awake and still giggling about power juicers?

"Nothing," she said, giving him a reassuring smile. "We can talk about it later."

"Okay," he yawned, turning over. "Goodnight."

"Night."

Addison knew she'd never be able to sleep now. She'd thought about how she'd word it all day, but nothing was coming to her now. How could she justify this-again? Mark wasn't just _there _this time. It wasn't an accident this time. God, how were they going to get through this?

Suddenly the answer was clear: they weren't. This just might be the end of Addison and Derek. For real this time. Just as she began to wrap her head around this new discovery, Derek mumbled, "Addison?"

"Yeah?" she asked, wide awake.

Derek opened his mouth to speak, and then stopped. He didn't want to tell her this way, the way she'd told him the truth about her and Mark in New York just weeks prior. They were both half asleep. It could wait.

"Nothing," he said, shaking his head. "Nothing…"

A whole lot of nothing.

_Until, sooner or later, someone picks at that scab. Someone drags up the memory. And then… then, we're shit out of luck. _


	10. Chapter 10

Gah! Sorry it's been so long guys, my laptop was being repaired. Hope you enjoy this one, it's a little short.

* * *

_As doctors, as surgeons especially, there are several phrases that tend to lose their effect because we hear them so often, phrases that to other people mean a lot, but to us are just typical everyday sentences, no more important than "How's it going?" Doctors hear the word "please" so often that it doesn't even sound like a word anymore. _

"Morning," Addison smiled pleasantly as Derek padded into the tiny kitchen of the trailer. "I made coffee, you want some?"

"Ah, I can't, I've got to help Bailey with the triage stuff this morning," he apologized weakly.

"Oh. Okay. Well if you get a second today, can we talk? There's something I want to tell you."

Suddenly concerned, Derek asked, "Is it about the baby? Is the baby okay?"

"Oh, no, she's fine," Addison said with a smile, placing her hand over her belly. There was a tiny, tiny bump there that made her pants just a little too tight, but excited her more than anything else.

"She?" Derek asked, slipping on his sneakers. "I thought we said we didn't want to know the sex."

"Oh, I know, I just…" Addison smiled sheepishly. "I hope it's a girl."

"Hm," Derek chuckled noncommittally. "Well, I'm already late, I'll talk to you later, okay? There's something I have to tell you too."

"Okay. See you tonight?"

"Yeah. Bye." He kissed her quickly on the forehead and hurried out the door.

Addison sighed. It had been a week since she'd decided she had to tell Derek about sleeping with Mark… and it had been a week since she hadn't told him. It was just impossible to find the right moment. She didn't want to drop the bombshell like she had before, when she'd told him the truth about what had happened back in New York. But she didn't want to weave it into the conversation out of the blue. This was going to be life changing, and she wasn't sure if she was ready to accept what that meant yet.

He would leave her, she was sure of it. And maybe it was her pride, maybe it was fear, but she did not want to go through that again. Not yet, anyway. She could stay with Mark, but for how long? Was he really going to help her raise a child? She doubted it; he was still bitter about their nonexistent child, there was no way he'd want to help her raise Derek's.

Addison finished off her coffee and dressed slowly. Another day of opening up uteruses, saving babies and giving uneventful pap smears. She doubted that today would be any different than normal.

_It doesn't make doctors' hearts race when someone says, "This is a matter of life and death" because every decision we make every day is a life or death decision. And after a while, we just scoff when people say, "Come on, it's not brain surgery," because more often than not, it is. _

"You have that triage thing today?" Callie asked George as he stumbled around their hotel room, looking for his bag.

"Yeah, have you seen my sneakers?" he asked, flustered.

"I'm sure you'll do fine, babe," Callie said, rubbing his back soothingly. "Make me proud."

"Yeah, makin' my wife proud." George grinned at that. "It's so awesome to be able to say that… my wife."

Callie returned his smile. "You'll give 'em hell, George. And don't worry. It's just triage stuff. It's not…" she winced at what she had been about to say, but finished the sentence anyway, "… brain surgery."

George smirked. "With any luck, it will be."

_For some, a robotic sense of monotony sets in. It makes it easier to deal with it that way. It's easy to not care. So when do we start caring? What makes something important enough that it's different from all the other cases? When it's one of our own. _

Meredith Grey was not a pathological liar. She rarely even told small lies, mainly because it was a bad habit to get into as a doctor. In fact, she was a pretty bad liar. But something made her lie to her mother that one day when Ellis was briefly lucid. Something made her fashion a life for herself, her dream life where she was happily dating Derek, excelling at her internship and currently living on cloud nine.

Later she would realize that the unexpected bout of lying probably stemmed from the need to impress her mother, something she had felt from a very early age. But at the time it only seemed like a really stupid idea that had backfired and left her more broken than before.

"I did the right thing, didn't I?" Meredith asked, shoving down a piece of toast.

"Everybody lies," Cristina shrugged. "Your mom probably doesn't even remember anything you said anyway."

Meredith made a face. "Thanks."

"That's what friends are for." There was a pause, and then Cristina asked, "Do you ever think about getting married?"

Meredith almost laughed. "To who?"

Cristina tried to be as vague as possible, but maybe overshot it a little. "I don't know… just… anybody."

Now Meredith furrowed her brow. "No, no, I don't think that's normal, to think about marrying just anybody. The concept by itself is terrifying enough. If I was going to give the rest of my freakin life to someone I'd want it to be someone I really, truly cared about."

"So… like Derek?" Cristina asked hesitantly, not knowing where they stood on the McSubject.

"No, not like Derek," Meredith answered quickly, defensively. "Derek is married. Derek and Addison are having a baby. Derek is not a huge part of my life anymore."

"It was just an example," Cristina huffed. "Okay… um, if you were… me, for instance. Would you get married to Burke?"

"Why, did he ask you?"

"Cristina, Mer, come on!" Izzie called from the hallway. "Triage today, we can't be late!"

"Oh, thank God," Cristina sighed, and gulped down her glass of orange juice. "I need a triage drill today. I need to get dirty, and messy. I need to see someone's heart beating in their open chest cavity…" She shut her eyes and took in a big breath, as if she was smelling a bouquet of flowers.

"Let's go!" Izzie called from the driveway, beeping the horn.

"Yes, Mom," Cristina snickered, rolling her eyes. She hurried outside and into the car, claiming the prized front seat before Meredith was even out the door.

"Hey, um, does Mer seem okay to you?" Izzie asked Cristina quietly.

"Yeah, why?" Cristina asked, messing with the radio dial.

"She just seems…" Izzie struggled, "Okay, this morning, before you got here, I found her trying to drown herself in the bathtub."

"What?" Cristina snapped, concerned.

"I don't know, she just… was under for so long and didn't come up and I… I just happened to go into her room to ask if she'd seen my shirt, and I saw her… So I yanked her up and asked her what she was trying to do and she said she wasn't doing anything, that she was just relaxing or whatever, but… she wasn't relaxing, Cristina. She was gasping for air when I pulled her up. She would have stayed down there if I hadn't-"

Suddenly the back door opened and Meredith climbed in. "Sorry, Iz. I couldn't find my sneakers."

Izzie was silent on the ride to work, but every now and then she glanced back at Meredith in the rear view mirror, just to make sure she hadn't smothered herself with her jacket or something.

X

"Lookin' sharp today, doctor."

Addison rolled her eyes. "Good morning, Dr. Sloan." She smirked, turning to face him, and was greeted with coffee.

"Just how you like it," he offered.

"Mark, what are you doing?" Addison laughed nervously.

"I'm bringing you coffee."

"Then, I will respectfully refuse," she said quickly, and brushed past him. He followed her, and she explained, "Coffee is a couples thing, Mark. We are not a couple, we are not anything, according to this hospital."

"You haven't told Derek yet," Mark assessed shrewdly.

"I haven't told Derek yet," Addison sighed, "but I will, soon, I promise. Tonight, actually, we're going to talk. And I'll tell him."

"Good. You got time for a quickie right now?"

"Triage today, Mark," Addison teased. "It's a busy day. Maybe later." She left him with a smile and took the coffee.

X

"Dr. Shepherd!" Izzie called down the hallway.

Derek, halfway through his morning coffee and double checking a post-op chart, turned to face her. "Dr. Stevens, aren't you supposed to be with Dr. Bailey? Training started ten minutes ago."

"Yeah, I know, but I just had a really quick question," Izzie said breathlessly. "Have you noticed anything weird about Meredith lately?"

Derek tensed up. "Meredith?"

"Well, I just know you work with her a lot, maybe you noticed something weird, or… maybe she was unfocused these past couple of days, or something?"

Derek had indeed spent a lot of time with Meredith lately, and not just working together, but he hadn't noticed anything. He knew she'd been shaken up by the visit from her mother, but she wouldn't tell him just what had been said. Was there something to be noticed? Or was Izzie just being paranoid?

"No, I… I haven't noticed anything," he answered. "Should I be worried?"

Izzie whetted her lips. "I think… she was trying to drown herself in the bathtub this morning, so… just…"

"She _what_?" he snapped.

"I don't know," Izzie stammered. "I can't be sure, but I'm almost positive she would have stayed under if I hadn't pulled her up. So could you just… keep an eye on her?"

Derek was astounded. Meredith suicidal? It seemed unlikely, but he didn't want to take any chances. "Okay. I will. Thank you, Dr. Stevens."

X

They were exactly the same age, but Mark Sloan had always looked up to Derek Shepherd as an older brother, as a hero, even. It took a lot for him to think badly of Derek, it took a lot to believe that he was doing something wrong. Until they'd met Addison Montgomery. And suddenly everything Derek did annoyed him, from the way he'd asked the redhead out on their first date to the way he'd left her in New York and flown across the country to escape the inevitable reality that was his collapsed marriage. At this stage in their relationship, Derek and Mark were far from being friends, but Mark found that he still wanted to see the best in Derek.

And he was doing fine with that until he saw him outside one of the trauma rooms, balling his eyes out over Meredith Grey. They'd brought her in on a gurney an hour ago; Mark wasn't sure what had happened but he did know that she wasn't breathing. They'd kicked Derek out of the room because he wasn't helping matters much. And now here he was, blubbering like a baby over an intern.

And suddenly, Mark realized that he and Addison weren't alone in their betrayal of the sanctity of marriage. It was so obvious he didn't know why he hadn't noticed it before. Derek and Meredith were sleeping together.

Mark wanted to be furious. He wanted to hate Derek for hurting Addison again, but then he realized that he was doing exactly the same thing. He was sleeping with Addison and Derek was sleeping with Meredith. It was perfect, in its own twisted sort of way. So instead of punching Derek, or shouting at him, or making him feel like crap, Mark walked over to his oldest friend slowly, and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

Derek looked up, bleary-eyed and pitiful, and Mark said, "She's gonna be okay, man. She's gonna be okay."

X

Fifteen hours earlier, Derek had dismissed the possibility that Meredith could be suicidal, simply because he knew her, and it seemed so unlikely. But it had happened. Derek went over and over in his mind the signs, the possibilities, the things he could have missed. They were small, and far and few between. And still, she had gone under. He had pulled her out, her lips the color of her scrub cap. She had no heartbeat for almost two hours. And now she was asleep, lying in this hospital bed. Breathing. But…

She knew how to swim.

People were talking, he was sure. He had been unusually attentive to her, urging Bailey again and again to defibrillate, even when they weren't sure it would be safe. People had seen him out in the hallway, holding his head in his hands. Addison had seen him out in the hallway, but she hadn't said anything. She'd been comforting, she'd squeezed his hand until both their knuckles were white, giving him the validation he'd needed. Now all he needed was for Meredith to wake up so he could tell her…

Tell her what? That he loved her? That he had been more scared today than he'd been since he'd seen his father's murder? That he was angry? That he never wanted to see her again? That he wanted to kiss her until she forgot her name? He wanted to do all of those things. What would he do when she woke up?

X

Izzie collapsed in the fetal position on a hard metal bench in the locker room. She just wanted to sleep. Blissful, anesthetic sleep. Nothingness. She wanted to forget what had almost happened today. She wanted to forget that she had seen the signs and that she could have done something to stop Meredith.

She was snapped out of her reverie by the slamming of the locker room door. George shuffled over to their row and opened his locker with a sigh.

"Wow," he said quietly. "What a day. Bailey said that Mer should be fine by tomorrow. They're keeping her overnight just in case." Izzie said nothing; she kept her face buried in the crook of her arm. "Oh!" George continued, remembering. "I found that little boy, did I tell you? He was in the OR the whole time, Callie was operating. It was such a relief, he was fine the whole time!" Still nothing. George tried again, trying to get some response out of his best friend. "Hey, Cristina said something about you doing burholes today with a hand drill or something, that's awesome! You are _so _off probation now, Bailey will be begging to have you scrub in."

Izzie still lay curled up on the bench, unmoving. George sighed, and tried one last time.

"You going home?" he asked. Izzie muttered something but it was muffled. "I'll take that as a yes," George decided, and tried to help her up.

Izzie fought back vehemently, suddenly springing up from her position on the bench. "Stop it!" she shouted, anger flashing in her eyes.

George was taken aback. "Iz-"

"No! I get it, George, all right? We're the lucky ones. We're at least halfway normal and what happened today was impossible-"

"What are you talking about?"

"We can't make this happy, George. I know you, I know us, and I know what we try to do, but we can't do it with this. We can't do it with what happened today. Meredith almost died today, and I knew she was going to, and it happened. We don't get to make this all bright and shiny."

"No one's trying to," George told her slowly. "Iz, what's going on? What do you mean, you knew Mer was-"

"She was in the bathtub," Izzie choked, her voice breaking. "This morning, she was in the bathtub, holding herself underwater and I told myself that it was nothing, that I was just being stupid me, worrying and creating problems that weren't there, but this little voice in the back of my head kept saying that she was trying to drown herself. So I warned Cristina and I warned Derek but I didn't say anything to Mer. And I know she's been down lately and I didn't want to hurt her feelings or whatever, but I could have saved-" George grabbed her suddenly, pulling her into a fierce hug. "I could have saved her," Izzie gasped out against his shoulder. "I could have saved everyone all this worry today, I could have-"

"There is nothing you could have done, Iz," George assured her, making her look at him. "I know we always want to think that there was something we could have done, but there's not." He took a deep breath and continued. "When my dad died, I kept telling myself that there was something more that could have been done. I'm a surgeon, I should have been able to figure something out. There's always something, that's what they teach us. But after a while Callie helped me realize that it wasn't my fault. There wasn't anything I could have done to save him. And there wasn't anything you could have done to stop Meredith from falling in the water today, Iz."

Izzie nodded, sniffed, and wiped her eyes. She hated that he'd brought up Callie, but she got George's point.

He reassured her one more time. "You did the right thing, and Mer's okay. She's alive and breathing and okay."

Izzie smiled weakly. "I'm glad she is."

"Me too." George returned the smile. "Me too."

X

Her chest hurt a _lot_. Every breath she took felt like she had a thousand pounds stacked on her lungs. Her eyes were tired, heavy, and every muscle in her body ached. But she was alive. By some miracle, she was alive. She was alive and Derek was alive, and she didn't know how she'd been so stupid to ever let him go.

Meredith jolted upright in bed, making Derek stir in the chair beside her.

"Hey," he said softly, rubbing his eyes. "How do you feel?"

Meredith was holding her head in her hands. "Oooh. Not so hot. I think I sat up too fast."

He stood, helping her reposition herself on the bed. She sighed and settled in. "How are you, are you okay?" she asked.

Derek hesitated before answering. "I'm all right… you scared me."

She sighed. "I know."

He looked at her, her heart shaped face now pink with color, so different from earlier today, and he wondered how he ever let her out of his sight. Derek extended a hand and gently cupped her face, brushing his thumb across her cheek. His other hand rested for a moment on her forehead, and then smoothed back her hair. Quietly, he took a step closer and pressed his lips to her forehead, right at her hairline. Shutting his eyes, he breathed her in. The lavender, the scent of her fabric softener, the things that made her _her. _

Derek pulled back slowly and watched her reopen her eyes. She was so peaceful, so alive. But then he remembered how she'd looked on that table, intubated, as unresponsive as a corpse, and protective anger was the predominant emotion. "What happened today, Meredith?" His voice was weary and scratchy from disuse.

Meredith took a breath; it still hurt to do so, but the pain was subsiding a little. Everything subsided when Derek was with her. Life went fuzzy around the edges, like an old movie, and she didn't know how she'd ever lived without him. She wanted to tell him what she'd seen today. If it made her sound like a crazy person, so be it. She had to tell him why she was suddenly ready to be with him forever. It didn't matter that he was married with a baby on the way. All that was important was that she loved him.

So she took a breath and said, "I saw Denny Duquette today."

Derek blinked a couple of times, and gave a little laugh. "What?"

"I'm not sure what happened, or where I was, but I saw him. I saw Denny, and I saw Doc, and I saw that woman who was my mother's scrub nurse, remember? And that girl Bonnie, who came in attached to a pole from the train accident? And the bomb guy. All of them were there."

"And you were there, and you were there, and you were there too!" Derek mocked with a smile.

Meredith made a face. "Har har." Suddenly she seemed exhausted again. "I'm sorry, Derek. I'm sorry. Something happened to me today, and I don't know if it's real or if I'm totally crazy or what, but it happened."

"What happened?"

"I died." There was a pause. "Well-at least I think I did. And I kept trying to save Bonnie but it wouldn't work, it was too late to save her. And Denny said something about moments… only… moments he had with Izzie, and then I realized that I wanted more than moments. I want… forever, Derek. I want forever with you."

Her little speech had left her exhausted. Meredith was sure she sounded crazy, but she'd said it. She'd admitted it. She was ready, she was committed… so why didn't she feel any better?

"Derek?"

He was studying her, the way he would sometimes when she woke up in the morning. But this time, his eyes were different. They weren't thoughtful and loving; they were cloudy and confused. When he finally spoke, it wasn't at all what she expected. It was a multi-faceted, ambiguous answer that bred uncertainty in the pit of her stomach.

"But… you can swim."

She didn't know what to say. It was true.

"What did your mother say to you the other day?" Derek asked, trying to maintain a steady tone to his voice, but the note of accusation was not lost.

"What?" Meredith sighed.

"What did she say that had you so upset? You wouldn't tell me."

"She said I was ordinary, all right?" Meredith snapped. "I lied to her. I told her I was with you, that I was happy, that I was all sunshine and rainbows, and she told me that I was ordinary. That I had no drive, no ambition. So when I fell in that water today, I tried." Her voice was taking on the hollow, quavering quality it did when she was about to start crying. She took an unsteady breath and continued. "I tried like hell. And I'm sorry I didn't try harder. I should have. But the longer I tried, the more I wondered… who would notice if I was gone for just an hour or two? Or maybe a whole afternoon, even. So I wanted to try it. I wanted to attempt to disappear completely."

She stopped talking for a minute, and Derek thought she was done, but she took another breath and finished, "So I did. For a little while, I slipped off the face of the earth. And it was the most terrifying thing I've ever done. I saw my mother too, did I tell you that?"

Derek looked up.

"She was there. With Denny, and everybody. She took back what she said. And then I came back. I came back to you, I came back _for_ you, Derek. I know I'm messed up. I know I've got a lot of crazy going on. But I know I want to be with you. You might not be ready now, and I might now be ready now, but I want you to know. I love you, Derek."

She was fascinating. After everything that had happened to her, she still chose him. She was willing to wait. She still loved him. After he'd chosen Addison twice. She was still here. And after today, Derek realized that she wouldn't always be.

"Okay," he said quietly. "Okay."

Meredith was afraid she'd imagined it. After all this time, after this exhausting game of cat and mouse, they were finally going to be together.

"Really?" she asked quietly.

Derek took her hand in his and squeezed it. "Really. I'll talk to Addison. I'll talk to her now. I'm getting a divorce. We're going to make this work, Meredith."

She couldn't suppress a grin. "Okay."

Briefly, Derek glanced over his shoulder to make sure that no one was walking past or peeking through the window, and then he kissed her. He slipped a hand through her hair and cradled her head; she placed a trusting hand on his shoulder. The kiss wasn't overly passionate or erotic, it wasn't the kind of kiss that makes your knees weak and your head spin. It was just a kiss. A kiss that said, I don't ever want to lose you again.

"I don't ever want to lose you again," Derek whispered, resting his forehead against hers.

"Then you won't," Meredith replied simply.

_So, while there are some phrases that just sound like a broken record: "Please," "I'm sorry," "I appreciate it", there are others that never lose their charm. There are one or two that will always matter, that will always be meaningful, no matter how many times we say them: "I love you."_


	11. Chapter 11

_We are creatures of habit. Change makes us uneasy. Maybe it's because of the uncertainty of the unknown. Maybe it's because we'd rather stick with what makes us comfortable: our job, our friends, our city. But sometimes, change is the only option._

Mark Sloan was not a tattletale, but Addison had a right to know. Derek was her husband and she was having his baby. Even if it was clear to the entire hospital that there wasn't any love in their marriage anymore, she at least deserved to know that he was sleeping with Meredith Grey.

He found her in her office, scribbling some post-ops, but mainly just sighing and running her hands through her hair and trying to stay awake.

"You on call tonight, Sleeping Beauty?" he joked, entering without knocking. Maybe if she was on call too, they could talk more in depth about what he had to say, and maybe he would get to play the role of comforter… which, if he knew Addison well, and he did, would lead to sex.

"No," she said with a yawn. "I'm just waiting until Derek gets off, I didn't drive my own car."

Mark winced. "Can I sit down?"

"Yeah." She fiddled absently with her glasses and went back to her internet search, which was proving more interesting than her post-ops.

"Baby names?" Mark asked, a grin spreading over his face as he read the screen. "Isn't it a bit early for that? And I thought you didn't even want to know the sex."

"It's never too early," Addison countered. "And besides, I'm just looking to see what I like."

"I thought you liked-"

"Addison?" Derek rapped at the open door and showed himself in. "Ready?"

"Oh, thank God. _Yes_, get me out of this hospital and into my own bed," she proclaimed. She shut down her computer and the monitor went black. Mark still sat staring, unmoving.

"You on call tonight, Mark?" Derek asked, making meaningless small talk as Addison pulled on her coat.

"Yeah."

"If anything goes wrong with Jane Doe page Karev," Addison instructed.

"Jane Doe?" Derek asked.

"Pregnant woman almost crushed by a pylon. Baby's fine for now. Her face, not so much, Mark's working on it. Ready?" In the brief synopsis she gave Derek there was no mention of the tiff Mark had had with her earlier about what had happened during Jane Doe's surgery. Both the patient and the baby were stable now, so in Addison's book that meant that they should let it blow over, apparently. Derek, however, was none the wiser.

"Yep. Bye Mark."

Mark walked the other direction out in the hallway as Derek and Addison headed towards the elevators. Derek mustered up the courage to speak.

"So I'm glad we both got off tonight, I really wanted to talk to you about something."

"Okay," Addison said, fear rising in her stomach out of habit at hearing that phrase. "Can we grab something to eat first, though? I'm starving."

X

Two double cheeseburgers at the McDonald's drive-thru window later, Addison was practically falling asleep in the car. This was proving problematic for Derek, who had planned on telling her in the car, so she couldn't run, so she had hear him out. She had the rest of her life to hate him. This was the time to listen.

"Addison, I need you to stay awake," he said slowly and calmly, the way he would talk to a patient. "Remember how I said I wanted to tell you something?"

"Yeah," she said, shaking her head to keep herself awake. She took a sip of the huge Mountain Dew she'd ordered at McDonald's. She didn't normally drink it, but cravings were cravings, and she had a caffeine craving now that no triple latte would cure quickly enough.

"When we got married almost thirteen years ago, we promised to trust and respect each other," Derek began. "Neither of us have been very good at that so far. And, since I'm a sucker for tradition, I haven't been very good at that recently, either. I haven't been honest with you, Addison. There's something going on that I should have told you about a few weeks ago, when it happened." Pause. "I'm sleeping with Meredith."

The sentences, in that order together, hadn't made sense until he'd said the last one. And then it became clear. The way he'd cried over Meredith today. The 'thing he'd had to tell her' for a while now. It all made sense.

She laughed. She giggled, breaking into a smile. She felt her cheeks get red and she started really laughing; she was truly, genuinely amused at the irony of the situation.

Derek, however, was not. "Addison, don't laugh, this is serious. This is the deterioration of our marriage we are talking about here. And it's-well, mostly-my fault."

Addison shook her head and wiped some tears that had formed in her laughter. "No it's not."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm sleeping with Mark," she said, and then broke into peals of laughter again. Maybe it was the hormones. Or maybe it was just funny.

"_What_?"

"I'm sleeping with Mark, don't you get it?" Addison giggled. "You're sleeping with someone else, I'm sleeping with someone else, we're clearly not sleeping with each other… Derek, our marriage is a joke!"

Derek let out a burst of air at the incredulity of the situation, and then he couldn't stop. The laughter cascaded out of both of them until Derek was having trouble driving the car straight. It really was funny when he thought about it… they were such a mess.

"We are such a mess," he laughed as they pulled onto the dirt road that led to the trailer.

"Yeah…" Addison sighed, coming down off her laughter.

"Yeah…"

"Yeah…" They were silent for a long time, almost until they'd reached the clearing. Then she said, "So… it's over, I guess. Us."

"It is," Derek agreed. "I think we should file for divorce as soon as possible."

She nodded vigorously. "I think we should too."

"Okay."

"Okay." She sighed. "Wow."

"Yeah."

"_Wow_."

"We're doing it."

"We're finally doing it."

"It was a long time coming."

"I'm sorry-"

"No, I'm sorry."

"We're both sorry. I mean, this has been the longest relationship of my life, family excluded."

"Me too."

"It's weird," Addison said, squirming a little.

"It probably won't be as weird as we think. I mean, we've been apart before this."

"Yeah. And I guess-"

"Oh, and I'll do whatever you need help with for the baby," Derek interrupted, suddenly remembering. "Don't think that this means I'm not going to be there for the baby, because… it's our child, I mean, no piece of paper is going to change that."

"Woah," Addison said suddenly.

"What?"

"It's just…" She shook her head. "Woah, déjà vu…"

"What?"

"'No piece of paper is going to change that,'" she quoted. "That was the same thing I told you when I turned down your proposal the first time. You said 'I love you and I want to be with you forever', and I said, 'if you love me then no piece of paper is going to change that.'"

"You're right," Derek said quietly.

"Maybe we did know something when we were twenty-eight after all," Addison sighed.

"Yeah," Derek agreed. "Maybe we did."

X

"Here ye, here ye," Mark said with a knock on Meredith's door. "I hereby call a meeting of The Dirty Mistresses Club."

Meredith smirked. "Hi Mark."

"You know, all joking aside you really should be asleep, after what you went through today," Mark said.

"Can't sleep," she admitted. "I guess being dead for a few hours will do that to you." Her lighthearted smile told Mark that everything was okay. Better than okay. "What did you want to talk about, mistress to mistress?"

Mark sighed. "It's complicated."

"I'm sleeping with Derek," Meredith blurted. "And I don't know if that makes this more or less complicated, but-"

"I'm sleeping with Addison."

"What?"

"Yeah, I know."

"_What?_ So we're both-"

"Yeah."

Meredith let out a laugh in shock. "Oh my God. This is…wow. It's…"

"What?"

She sighed. "Derek's going to ask Addison for a divorce."

Mark felt real hope surge within him for the first time in a long time. "What? Really?"

"Yep."

"Wow."

"I know. Looks like dirty mistresses do win out in the end, sometimes, huh?" Meredith asked with a tired smile.

"Guess so, Grey. I guess so." Mark sighed. "Get some sleep, all right?"

"Yeah. I think I will. See you tomorrow."

X

"So are you excited about the wedding?"

"No."

"Not even a little?" Meredith asked through a mouthful of hospital pudding.

"Have you met me?" Cristina retorted.

"Yeah, good point." Meredith was back to her old self after just one night in the hospital and was dying to get back to work, but she doubted anyone would let her out for another day or so. Especially Derek.

Her heart fluttered in her chest at the thought of his name and she tried to glance at the clock without Cristina noticing. Derek hadn't been in to see her yet this morning, and she dreaded that something had gone wrong with his plans to tell Addison the truth about what had been going on.

"Any juicy medical cases I'll be jealous of?" Meredith asked, in an attempt to make herself focus on something else.

"Yeah, Izzie got to use a hand drill to do burholes on some guy in the field," Cristina admitted begrudgingly.

"What?" Meredith gasped.

"Bitch," Cristina concurred. "And Karev's on this case with this pregnant lady who was almost crushed to death."

"Oh, that is so not fair!"

"Life's not fair, Dr. Grey," Bailey intoned from the doorway. "You want good cases, I suggest you avoid drowning as much as possible. Karev, present!"

Alex stepped forward with Meredith's chart and Meredith sighed. She didn't like being on the other side of rounds. She also didn't like not knowing where Derek was…

"Meredith Grey, 28. Recovering from severe hypothermia and-"

"I just want to know if I can go or not," she interrupted, looking expectantly at Bailey. "Can I go back to work now?"

"If you had let Dr. Karev finish," Bailey began sharply, "you would know that your body temperature is still slightly below normal, so we're going to-"

"It's always been like that," Meredith supplied. "97.6? That's normal for me, I'm fine, I'm ready to go."

"You are not ready to go until I say you are ready to go," Bailey instructed. "You are staying in this bed. You are not to work, you are not to assist anyone medically. You are to _rest_. You died for an hour, Dr. Grey, I think that calls for a day off. Dr. Yang, since you thought spending time with Dr. Grey was more important than rounds, you have your wish. You are to stay with her all day, make sure she does not go anywhere, and do not let her leave until I have personally come by later and given you the all-clear. Understand?"

Meredith and Cristina shrank in their seats. "Yes, Dr. Bailey."

"Good." Bailey gave a satisfied nod. "Does our special patient need anything else?"

Meredith thought quickly. "Did Dr. Shepherd say what he wanted to do about Mrs. Peterson or Mr. Lynch? I was working with him on those cases and…" She floundered, thinking of a way to wrap it all up. "…I just wanted to make sure someone was going to check up on them today since I can't."

"Dr. Shepherd has not been in yet today; when he gets here I'll let him know you're not working today, and he can take whoever he wants to help him."

And then Bailey and the other interns were gone, leaving Meredith alone with Cristina again. She sighed.

X

Every bone in Derek's body ached. Wincing, he stretched and rolled off the couch. Last night when he and Addison arrived back at the trailer she was the one who suggested that she would sleep on the couch, but Derek insisted that that was ridiculous. He wasn't going to let a pregnant woman sleep on the couch. So then she had offered to check into a hotel, and after a lot of shouting, they'd decided that she would have the bed, and he would have the couch, and tomorrow he'd help her move out.

Tomorrow was today, and he found Addison already awake in the kitchen, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. He'd barely gotten two hours of sleep; he was constantly seeing Meredith, drowning Meredith, blue Meredith, dead Meredith.

"I didn't hear you get up," he mumbled, stumbling over to the coffeemaker.

"Derek," Addison sighed, tensing up, "you don't have to do that."

"Do what?" He'd been awake two seconds and already she was picking a fight?

"Pretend we're… a couple, pretend…"

"I'm not, I'm not pretending we're a couple."

"Yes you are, that's exactly what you're-"

"Fine, just forget it," Derek snapped, silencing them both.

Spoons clinked against cereal bowls, orange juice sloshed around in cups. Tiny cupboards squeaked opened and closed, and then Addison finally said, "Are you going in today?"

"It's my day off. Besides, I'm going to help you move out first," Derek reminded her.

"Wow, you must really want me out of here," she grumbled, and then winced. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, that was stupid, it's… hormones and… estrogen, I'm sorry."

Derek shrugged. It didn't matter. All he could think about was Meredith, Meredith, _Meredith_. "So I'll help you pack and stuff? Do you need boxes?"

Addison shifted uncomfortably. He could see the slight bump through her clinging nightshirt. "Um, actually, Derek…"

As if on cue, there was a knock at the trailer door. Derek looked at his soon-to-be ex-wife in confusion, and she sighed. "Mark's coming over to help me pack up." She glanced at the clock on the microwave. "He's early."

"Well that's pretty obvious." Derek wasn't jealous. He was not jealous of Mark. But he could still be angry at him. He could still be angry enough to punch him in the jaw the second he set foot in the trailer. But he wouldn't do that. That would be immature. So instead, he nodded to Mark when he walked in the door, and took a walk to the one place he could think clearly. He couldn't see Meredith just yet; the sight of her drowning face had haunted him enough last night. First he needed to think, and then he would go in to the hospital and see Meredith.

X

"What was that earlier?" Cristina asked.

"I just wanted to know if Derek was here yet," Meredith shrugged, playing it off.

Cristina studied her. "Why?" After Meredith didn't answer she prodded, "Oh God, what? What happened?"

"Nothing!" Meredith insisted. "Nothing happened, I just-"

"You slept with him," Cristina deadpanned.

Meredith floundered. "What? I-"

"Oh. My. God, you slept with him!" she rose to her feet, a horrified look on her face.

"Cristina!"

"Look, I'm not upset about the fact that you slept with him. I'm upset that you didn't tell me," she sighed. Before Meredith could answer, she continued, "It's what we do, we tell each other the stuff we wouldn't tell anyone else. I told you about the engagement thing, you thing that was exciting or fun for me?"

"No."

Cristina put her hand on her forehead and sighed. She sat back down, the worst of her anger subsiding. "I'm sorry. I just-I thought you would have told me sooner. How long ago did you…"

"A week," Meredith sighed. "A week and a half, maybe. The first time."

"The first time? There have been other times since then!"

"He's divorcing Addison, Cristina," Meredith said, dropping the bombshell. "He went home to tell her last night. And I haven't seen him since, so I'm just a little bit worried that something went wrong, or that-"

"He's leaving his wife? So you're…"

"We're going to be together, yes," Meredith said with a smile. It was the first time she'd said it aloud, and it sounded good. _Together_.

"What about Dr. Montgomery Shepherd… Montgomery… whoever? Satan."

"Don't call her Satan," Meredith said with a polite smile.

"He picked her over you twice and you're defending her?"

"We're friends now, or… whatever. We're… on good terms. Besides-are you ready for this?-Addison's been sleeping with Mark," Meredith confided conspiratorially.

"No freakin way."

"Yep."

"What is going _on_?"

"I don't know," Meredith grinned, too happy by the prospect of her own future to really judge anyone else's. "Everyone's pretty much going crazy."

"You don't think I'm crazy, do you?" Cristina asked, uncharacteristically vulnerable.

"No, why?"

"The whole getting married thing," Cristina supplied. "I just… I feel like… it's not me. And I feel like I shouldn't be doing it if it's not me, you know?"

"You know that thing people say about changing for the person you love?" Meredith asked.

"It's crap," Cristina spat.

"It's true," Meredith disagreed. "If I want this relationship with Derek I'm going to have to be better about communicating. So we're working on it. Work on it."

"I just don't want to be like every other idiot who gets married and then regrets it," Cristina sighed.

"Then don't be."

Cristina sighed again and dug her palms into her eye sockets until she saw stars. "It's just… There's this guy here, Colin Marlow… The Chief's brought him in to consider him for his position, I guess."

"So?" Meredith shrugged.

"He was…" Cristina puffed out her cheeks and then exhaled. "He was a professor of mine and… I slept with him."

Meredith's eyes widened. "You-what? Well, do you think he remembers? I mean, it was only once, right?" Cristina made a face that Meredith was sure she herself had once made before divulging her sexual exploits to Cristina, and Meredith groaned. "How long were you together?"

"Longer than we should have been. And… I don't know, I don't want Burke to be weird about it… can we talk about something else?"

"Just sitting in here is killing me," Meredith whined. "Do you think Bailey would mind if we went for a walk around the hospital, just to see what was going on?"

"Her instructions were pretty clear." Cristina knew better than anyone-except maybe Izzie-that if you wanted to avoid one thing, it was upsetting Bailey.

"Not even to the OR gallery?" Meredith pouted.

Cristina opened her mouth to speak but then changed her mind. "Well, if we just had a quick look I don't think anyone would notice…"

X

This was the spot. This was the spot where he was going to build a house with Meredith. He wasn't sure where the idea had come from; he wasn't much of a visionary in the sense of his future. He could always picture surgeries in his head, visualize the outcome, know what was going to happen next. But with his own future he had always seen only shapes. Fuzzy, blurry shapes of hospitals and people and whatever. Getting married, opening a practice, moving into the brownstone… The pictures had all kind of formed as they'd happened.

And then he'd moved to Seattle. It was ironic, he mused, looking out over the suburbs, that he should come to a place so foggy and misty and find clarity, clarity in the form of one Meredith Grey. With her he knew. He knew it was going to be a struggle. But he was willing to take that risk. He looked at Meredith and he saw a future. The house, kids, a family, vacations, surgeries, anniversaries… happiness.

Maybe it was the change of location, the added years of experience, or maybe it was just Meredith herself, but this clear understanding of what was going to happen was something he'd never known with Addison. She was different, he'd loved her differently than the way he loved Meredith. With Addison, he'd known he had a best friend, someone who knew him before he was Dr. Derek Shepherd, one of the foremost neurosurgeons in the world. Someone who helped him become the person he was today. Someone who made him angry a lot. Someone who had fallen in love with a man who didn't exist anymore. He'd changed, they both had, and neither of them had been willing to admit that it was over.

Meredith was so different, different than anything he'd ever known before. The way he loved her was absolutely indescribable. It was like he was on fire every time they were together. Time seemed to slip away to a place that didn't matter anymore, and when he kissed her, he knew that nothing had ever felt so right. They just fit, plain and simple. Lock and key, hand in glove, puzzle piece to puzzle piece; every cliché he could think of was true. And, as unsteady as Meredith was herself, she was his rock, and together, he knew they could make it through any storm.

X

Addison stood at the kitchen counter, stirring her tea. She'd opted for decaf tea this morning in an ill attempt to counteract the amount of caffeine she'd consumed last night, but she wasn't fooling anybody, least of all herself. Mark was early, and she appreciated his help, but she didn't really know where to begin. Well, she figured with a sigh, better start at the beginning. "Derek and I-"

"I know," Mark interrupted, dropping his jacket down on the table.

Addison looked at him curiously. "How did you-"

"Word travels fast amongst dirty mistresses," he said with a smirk.

"Ah." She cracked a smile of her own. "How is Meredith? After the accident, I mean, she's recovering okay?"

"Are you two friends now, what's up with that?" Mark teased.

"We can be friends if we want to," Addison said slightly defensively. "We had similar taste in men, and we've learned that we have similar taste in other things too. Friends may be a stretch, but we're getting there. We'd both like to."

Mark nodded. "Well, are we going to get packing or what?"

Addison made a helpless gesture and sipped her tea. "Hello, do I look like I'm ready to jump up and go right now?"

"Oh, forgive me," Mark mocked. "You wanna jump in the shower first?"

"I'd like to, yes."

"Need a hand in there?" He winked.

"Shut up," Addison ordered, but she had to grin back.

X

"Burke's doing an pulmonary embolectomy in OR 2," Cristina reported, checking the board. "Want to watch?"

"What about the craniotomy in four?" Meredith pointed out.

"This is like on-demand cable, only with _all _the channels I want to watch," Cristina sighed breathlessly. "How do we choose?"

"You don't," Bailey called dryly, approaching them from down the hall.

"Abort, abort!" Cristina hissed under her breath, and she and Meredith stood rooted to the spot as Bailey confronted them.

"What the hell are you two doing out of that room? Were my instructions unclear in some way?" She asked it in a way that said she damn well knew that her instructions were clear, and anyone who disagreed was likely to get cut from the program. "Grey, you are not to move from your room, unless you want to stay there another day. And Yang, if you let her leave again you're not going to see the inside of an OR for a month. Both of you. Now scoot!"

"How does she do that?" Meredith asked as she and Cristina fled the scene.

"Do what?"

"Be everywhere, all the time."

X

"This is an entire box full of shoes," Mark deadpanned, not sure what to make of his discovery.

"Yeah, so?" Addison asked through a mouthful of dill pickles.

"A whole box?"

"Well there's three more, it's not just that one."

Mark smirked. The small closet that Addison had used in the trailer was now distributed throughout the dozen or so boxes that lay scattered about the hallway, the bed, the couch. "You got anything else?"

"I'm having a few more things sent out from New York."

"Anything else yours?" Mark asked, meandering down the hallway. He poked his head into the shower and pulled out a bottle of shampoo, and one of conditioner. "These?"

"Oh yeah, just throw them in here," Addison said, holding out a box that was only part of the way full.

Mark checked in the tiny bathroom across the hall and retrieved a toothbrush, a couple of hair brushes, and a bottle of hand soap. Addison dumped the toothbrush and hair brushes in with her curling iron and her makeup, which had already been packed. But she paused when she got to the soap.

"What's this?"

"It's not yours?" Mark asked.

"No, it's Derek's, he bought it a while ago." She sniffed the top of the lever and said, "Smells good." She paused for a moment, smelled again, and then said, "You know, it almost smells like… nevermind."

She tossed it to Mark, who took a whiff for himself. "Nice," he nodded, reading the label as he replaced the bottle. "Lavender."

X

Cristina had gone to get lunch; Meredith laid in her bed, fully clothed on top of the sheets, flipping aimlessly through the channels, wondering when she would be able to leave. Richard knocked on the door.

"Hi."

She sat up straighter. "Hi."

"Can I come in?"

"Yeah, yeah, of course." All the anger she had felt at him before had dissipated. It was as if passing through that barrier on the other side had given her a fresh perspective on every relationship she had. This was one she intended to keep for a very long time. She wasn't quite sure who Richard was in her life yet, or who he wanted to be, but she did know that he was a good person who would always have her back if she needed it.

"How are you feeling?" he asked, sitting in the chair by her bed.

She shrugged. "Fine. I have to wait for Bailey to let me go, though."

Richard smiled knowingly. "Ah."

A pause.

"Has Dr. Shepherd come in yet today?" Meredith asked suddenly.

"Today's his day off."

Her heart sank. "Oh."

Another pause; this one was much longer and more strained.

Finally, Richard spoke, and he wasn't sure why he said it, but he did. "You know, Meredith, your mother loved you very much."

Meredith had abandoned the idea a long time ago, without much fuss. She knew it wasn't anything personal; her mother just had room for two loves in her life: Richard and surgery. She would have liked to think that her mother did care for her that much. She hoped it, but what she knew was, "She loved you very much too."

Richard shifted uncomfortably and cleared his throat. "I was with her when… when she passed."

"So was I," Meredith told him. "She told me to come back. So I came back. And that's why I'm here."

"Well I'm glad you're here," Richard told her honestly, squeezing her hand.

She smiled. "I'm glad I'm here too."

X

"Where are we taking all this stuff?" Mark asked as he loaded the last box into the back of his car.

"I'm staying at the Archfield for a little while," Addison answered.

"How little a while?"

She gave a frustrated sigh. "I don't know. To be honest, I don't even know how much longer I'm going to stay in Seattle. I can't be Chief of Surgery and a single mother, that's just ridiculous. I might move back to New York, although being alone that close to my parents is… a terrifying thought. Or L.A., I've got some friends there, I might-"

"I just bought an apartment in town, close to work," Mark interrupted. "How about you move in with me?"

She let out an incredulous laugh. "I-what? Mark, we can't-"

"There's no way in hell you're going to be able to raise a baby by yourself, not with a surgeon's schedule. A double-board certified surgeon, might I add."

"Flattery will get you nowhere," Addison said with a smirk, although she was already starting to grow attached to the idea of moving in with Mark. It wouldn't be so bad. She would need some help; it would be the blind leading the blind, but it would be something. But… there would be a baby involved. Mark wasn't exactly Mr. Attachment, and if the baby got used to him being around, what would happen if-and when-he left?

"I know what you're thinking," Mark said. "I know there are a lot of things wrong about this. But stop and think for a second about all the things that are right about it. I love you, Addison. And I would love this baby. I would love her so much, because she's yours. Who cares if she's got Derek's DNA, his genes, his perfect hair? I would make sure she has my confidence and your taste in shoes."

Addison felt a tiny tug on her heartstrings. "You said she. The baby, you said-"

"Well that's what you want, isn't it? A perfect little girl?"

She grinned. "Yeah."

"Well, I'm not promising perfect," Mark offered.

"That's okay," she murmured. And then she kissed him. It was a hopeful kiss, a kiss full of promise. The future.

"Hey guys," Derek said as he walked into the yard.

Addison and Mark broke apart awkwardly. She cleared her throat. "Hey, Derek, um, I'm going to Mark's. I'm going to stay there for a little while."

Derek nodded, oddly at peace with the idea. "Okay."

"You going to see Meredith?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Well, ah, see you later."

"Yeah, you too."

None of the sadness that Addison had felt yesterday when she'd realized that twelve years of marriage were over was present. As she climbed into Mark's car and they pulled away from the trailer, she was oddly at peace with their parting. They were both moving on, moving on to something new, something different. Something life-changing.

X

"Here," Bailey grunted, dropping a few papers onto Meredith's lap. "Your release papers."

"Thank you," Meredith said quickly, signing without reading; she knew what they said. "You don't want to check my body temp or anything?" she asked, lightly mocking.

"You're fine," Bailey said dryly, "you're cracking jokes, you're fine. Yang, thank you for watching Dr. Grey today, you're free to find a new assignment."

"Thank you, Dr. Bailey," Cristina sighed in relief, and rushed out of the room, waving a quick goodbye to Meredith.

As soon as she was gone, Bailey wheeled on Meredith. "Don't you _ever_ do that again, understand?"

Meredith was confused. "I-what?"

"You scared everyone in this hospital half to death, nearly drowning. What the hell were you thinking? There are people here who _care _about you, Grey, and I don't care what's going on in your twisted love life with Mc…Whoever, nothing is worth taking your own life, do you understand?" She floundered, and then found her voice again. "People _care_, Meredith. Yang would be walking around like a chicken with her head cut off without you here, and Stevens… needs your guidance sometimes."

Meredith was hardly even listening anymore, she was just grinning from ear to ear. Bailey had been just as concerned as Derek, as her friends, as everyone else… "You care too," Meredith said quietly, with a smile.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah…" Bailey mumbled, and grabbed the papers from her intern. But before she left, Meredith was positive that she saw the ghost of a smile grace her lips.

X

"Going home, Dr. Grey?" a voice said from the doorway.

Meredith turned, in the middle of gathering her stuff from the chair across the room. And there he was. Hair tousled, sweater clean, smile wide, mind open, heart full. Of love. For her. It was beautiful.

"Hello," he said quietly.

"Hi," she said, her voice equally small.

He kissed her slowly, brushing her smooth hair over her shoulder and pulling her into his chest warmly. Comforting. She leaned into his touch and sighed contentedly. It was minutes before she finally spoke.

"So you told her."

"I told her."

"What'd she say?"

"She laughed, at first. But that was really only because she's sleeping with Mark."

Meredith smirked. "I heard about that."

"And then she was a little sad. Because… I mean, when you spend that much time with one person, it's just weird to see it end. And now… she's happy. She's okay. She is moving out of the trailer and in with Mark right now."

Meredith smiled, her mouth upturned at one corner. "So there's no one at the trailer right now? You're alone?"

Derek grinned; he knew what she was getting at and sighed theatrically. "Yeah, I guess I am."

"Well, I guess I can't let you go back there all by yourself," Meredith shrugged nonchalantly. "I mean, you almost lost the woman you l-" She stopped herself reflexively.

"Love?" Derek asked, brushing her cheek. "You can say it, you know."

"All right then." She took one of his hands in hers and squeezed it. "I love you, Derek Shepherd."

He smiled, glad to hear her say the words again. "I love you too."

_We can't stop change, no matter how badly we want to. But we can't deny that it seems a little bit easier to change if you're surrounded by people who care about you. By people who love you._


	12. Chapter 12

This very long chapter exhausted me physically, emotionally, and mentally. I hope you enjoy it. It is some of my best work:)

* * *

_As doctors, we dole out advice all the time. "Make sure you're eating right," "You'll need to stay off the leg for six to eight weeks," "You really should be taking those twice a day." Advice is easy to give out. But it's so hard to take, especially when it's our own._

Derek watched Meredith's stomach rise and fall with each breath, calmed by the evenness of the in and out, the simplicity of the action that a week earlier had been impossible for her to do. He knew she was fine, he knew it, but every now and then he remembered the icy water stabbing him everywhere as he strained to keep his eyes open underwater, looking, searching for her. He saw her insignificant little hand reaching up towards the surface, defeated as she sunk lower, lower…

"What are you doing?" she muttered.

Derek shot back to the present where he realized that he'd gripped Meredith's hand tightly, waking her up. He grinned sheepishly.

"Sorry."

"Go back to sleep," she mumbled, turning over. "We've still got fifteen minutes."

Sleep wouldn't come for him now. There were too many things to think about: Meredith, his botched proposal in front of the board yesterday, Meredith, surgical cases without answers, Meredith, finding time to meet with a divorce lawyer to finalize everything, _Meredith_. He gave a frustrated sigh. She was his life, but sometimes it felt like she was destroying him. He loved her more than anything, _ever_, but every day it was becoming harder to live for two people.

The alarm went off and he hit it immediately, then climbed out of bed and jumped into the shower. Meredith rolled over to steal the warm space where he'd lain, enjoying the last few minutes before the day began. She heard the water of the shower hit the wall and wondered why Derek hadn't woken her. Usually he always woke her, and through their fumbling good morning kisses they'd argue about who would shower first; it was always nice when they came to a draw and had to shower together.

Meredith sighed and stared up at the ceiling. Derek had been unusual lately. He was relieved, of course, to have her safe, she could tell. But when they were alone together he was restrained… leashed. That indomitable strength and assuredness was absent. He wasn't completely himself. Something was different.

The door to the bathroom opened and Derek came out in a towel, hair wild. "All yours," he mumbled, walking over to his bag by the door. He still hadn't completely unpacked. Why should he, Meredith justified to herself; they alternated at whose place they slept. It wasn't like he'd moved in or anything.

"Thanks," she said absently, stumbling to the bathroom. In the doorway, she paused, turned, and said, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he nodded, not looking up, not meeting her eyes. "Just a little tired."

"You were up all night. I heard you rolling over and over."

"Sorry." His apology was hollow. She watched the muscles of his back ripple as he pulled on a thermal shirt. It was a shirt she'd worn once, the night he'd first taken her to his place. She'd padded around the trailer in the dark, pawing for the handle to the bathroom door, yanking anxiously on the sleeves of Derek's shirt that drowned her small frame. She hadn't wanted to wake him.

"It's okay," she said, burying the memory as he pulled on blue jeans over his boxers and covered more of his body from her sight, retreating farther. He was slipping, slipping away, and she couldn't let that happen. She wasn't strong enough to let that happen again. "I just want to make sure you're all right."

"I'm fine."

"I don't believe you." This was weird, she didn't know how to be this person. The interrogator, the worrywart. When he didn't answer after a few seconds, she pulled her pajama pants down around her ankles and fished for a new razor in the cabinet under the sink.

After a minute, Derek sighed, wandered a little, and came to rest in the doorway of the bathroom. "It's just that meeting, with the board. I was distracted, I wasn't on top of my game, and it could have gone a lot better. I really want Chief, Meredith."

She looked up at him from where she was squatting. Her voice was paper thin. "I know you do. You're sure you're okay."

"I'm sure." Then he turned the tables. "Are you okay?"

She faltered; now she was exposed. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"I know that dinner with your father the other day was a little awkward-"

"Oh, it wasn't a big deal-"

"Okay."

"Yeah." She stood up with the new razor and gave a definitive sigh. "Well. I've gotta shower, so…"

"Right."

But she didn't move. She stood there in the bathroom, her feet cold on the small tiles. Izzie said she should get a rug. She didn't want a rug. She felt utterly naked, standing in front of a fully-clothed Derek, even though, by definition, she was really only half naked. She still had on her underwear and the shirt she'd slept in, the Dartmouth shirt. Ratty. Derek had called it ratty. It was an endearing term, he'd meant it in the best possible way, but now she was only self-conscious. She yanked on the hems of the sleeves, just like she'd done with the shirt Derek was wearing now. He wasn't moving either.

There was a knock on the bedroom door and she jumped. "Mer, you want coffee?"

"Uh, yeah Alex, thank you." Her voice was strained.

"Dr. Shepherd?"

"Yes, please."

Derek turned to talk to Meredith again but she had already disappeared into the bathroom. Exhausted, he fell back on the bed and listened to the thrum of the water. It wasn't stupid to worry that she might try to drown herself again, was it? She knew he was right here. But what if, for whatever reason, she decided to stop fighting?

_I need you to use your words. Where exactly is Meredith? _

_ The girl's finger pointed out to the water, and Derek followed the line of her gaze, dread forming hard and cold in the pit of his stomach._

He catapulted himself off the bed and opened the bathroom door. In the back of his mind he heard her say, "Derek?" in a small, concerned voice, but it didn't register. He whipped back the shower curtain and saw red. Blood. The thin red path started out in a straight line and then whorled into a vortex as the drain in the bathtub swallowed it up. Blood. Coming from her. Coming from Meredith.

"Mer-" he choked out. His chest felt tight, like when he'd broken the surface, pulling her along with him. The water had been cold, it had stolen all the air from his lungs, and every breath was an effort. His chest ripped with pain. Things were fuzzy, swimming…

"Derek!" Clarity. She snapped him back to reality. Her hand was on his shoulder, wet and cold and soaking through his shirt. "Derek, are you okay?"

"Blood…" he murmured, still not completely aware of what was going on.

"I cut myself shaving, Derek," Meredith said slowly, calmly. "It happens all the time. Look."

He looked down the smooth curve of her slim legs, sudsy with soap, and saw the nick. It was on her left knee, just below her patella. A small cut, a thin trail of red. A cut. She'd cut herself shaving. She wasn't hurt. She wasn't dying. She was alive, dripping wet in the shower. Not drowning, just taking a shower. Her hair was plastered to itself, slicked back and wet with water. She made no attempt to cover herself in front of him; he watched as beads of water collected on the swell of her breasts and dripped in a slow, even rhythm.

"Derek," she said again firmly, almost angrily. "Are you going to be all right?"

"You're okay," he mumbled, more to himself. "Shaving."

"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked, putting the razor down in the soap dish. "You look exhausted, Derek-"

"I'm just gonna lie down, you finish up here," he said, suddenly capable of forming complete sentences.

"Derek…" She looked so vulnerable, so broken, standing there dripping wet. She'd crossed her arms in front of herself and had begun to shiver.

"I'm okay," he said unconvincingly.

"Okay," she echoed.

"I'll just lie down for a second."

"Okay."

It wasn't. She watched him go, watched him close the door behind him, leaving it open just a crack. But it wasn't.

…

There was a speck of blood on the toilet seat. A small, tiny red dot that was making Addison think the worst things possible. She looked into the toilet. More blood. Not a lot. But enough to make her heart rate spike and her breath come in shallow gulps. Women bleed during pregnancy all the time, Addison reminded herself. She said it every day to women who came into the hospital, hysterical because they'd found blood on their sheets. For some women, this was normal, and there was nothing they should be worried about. Addison just hoped that she was some women.

Mark rapped on the bathroom door. "Pancakes!"

"Yeah, coming!"

Addison wiped the blood and the thoughts away and cleaned her hands at the sink. Aggressively, like she was about to scrub in. Angrily, like she could wash it all away from her memory if she tried hard enough. She glanced up at the girl in the mirror. She was happy. For the first time in a long time, she was truly happy. Sure, there were bags under her eyes and she was still a little nauseous in the mornings, but she could live with that. Mark had that unusual effect on her. He made her feel comfortable in her own skin all the time, truly happy with herself. It was the stupid kind of feeling that people write about in songs and single people complain about on Valentine's Day. _Love. _She didn't even want to think the word. She hadn't said it yet, not this time around. She was being cautious after what had happened back in New York. She was protecting herself. That was her rationale. So she didn't say it. Not yet.

He did. A lot. He'd said it last night after sex, and once he'd fallen asleep, she'd rolled the phrase over and over in her mind, imagining how it would sound coming out of her mouth. She'd said it in New York, but that was a different time zone, a different life zone. She wasn't pushing herself. She would say it when she felt like it.

"Morning," Mark greeted her with a smile as she padded into the kitchen. He kissed her quietly, slowly, romantically. "I made pancakes," he murmured against her jawbone.

"I can see that," Addison smirked. "You didn't even burn them or anything."

"You sound surprised," Mark teased.

"I am, you never cook. Anything."

"Give me a chance," he said, "I might surprise you." Then he kissed her again and things went fuzzy for a minute. Life shifted back into focus as the kiss was broken, and Mark set the food on the plates. She couldn't be sure, but as she sat down she thought she felt her stomach turn unexpectedly, almost cramp.

"You okay?" Mark asked, noticing the change in her expression.

"Oh, yeah, it's nothing," she said, brushing it off. It was probably just from smelling the pancakes this early. Probably.

"Are you coming home tonight, or are you on call?" he asked, breaking her thoughts.

"No, I should be home early. Richard's been giving me fewer hours because of the baby, but I'm fine. I'll have to talk to him about it."

"You sure you don't need a day to take it easy or something?" Mark's gray eyes looked concerned.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Okay." But he sounded unsure.

…

He still seemed unsure when they arrived at the hospital an hour later and kept a close eye on her in the elevator. When they went their separate ways, he reminded her, "Love you. Page me if you need anything," and kissed her temple goodbye.

It was sweet of him to worry, Addison knew, but nothing was wrong. Shaking her head with a smile, she arrived at the nurses' station where Callie stood, leafing through some paperwork and looking miserable.

"Is it really that bad?" Addison joked.

Callie looked up at her with a face that told her it was, in fact, that bad.

"What's up?" Addison asked, leading her friend away to a quiet spot in the hallway where they were less likely to be overheard by gossipy nurses.

Callie shook her head. "It's nothing, it's stupid stuff, really."

"George?"

Callie sighed. "He won't tell me anything but I know there's something going on between him and Izzie. And I don't want to confront Izzie because that's not what I do. I hate confrontations. Especially with Izzie."

"Have you tried talking to _him _about it?" Addison asked. "I mean, I know it sounds stupid, but it worked for me and Derek, and now we're both happier."

"Yeah, because you got a divorce," Callie pointed out.

Addison winced. "I need to get some better examples."

Her friend had to laugh. "You really, really do."

Addison thought for a minute, sipping her coffee, and then said, "You're the nice kid on the playground."

"Excuse me?"

"You're the kid who helps people swing, but never pushes them too high, and helps the younger kids down the slide, and lets people cut in front of her for the jungle gym."

"What does this have to do with me and Izzie?"

"Just because you're the nice kid on the playground doesn't mean you should let her steal your sidewalk chalk."

Callie thought about the analogy for a moment and then smiled. "Thank you."

"Any time." Addison smiled and then winced as she felt another pain in her stomach.

"Are you okay?" Callie asked.

"Yeah, it's just… stomachache. Ow." She gripped her abdomen. "Mark cooked this morning."

"Ha ha," Callie mocked, leading her friend to a chair behind the nurse's station. "You don't look so great. You want some water?"

"I'm _fine_," she insisted.

"What if your baby's not?"

Addison tensed up but tried to make light of the situation. "Come on, don't tempt fate."

But Callie's face was serious. "We're doctors, Addison. We both know that fate does whatever the hell it wants. You can't ignore pain like this, you know that better than anyone else here. Come on, don't be stupid just because you want everything to be all right."

Addison sighed. "You're right. I'm sorry, I was… I'm an idiot. I have some Ibuprofen in my purse, I'll take that."

"Take it now," Callie said, getting her a cup of water from the cooler.

"Thanks," Addison said once she'd swallowed. "Now get out there and protect your sidewalk chalk."

…

Callie poked her head into the ER where Bailey and a few of her interns stood over a patient, trying regain a pulse.

"Bailey, can you spare somebody? I need help with a patient."

"Take your pick," Bailey barked as she ordered a second defibrillation. "They're all useless anyway."

"Stevens," Callie said immediately, not even taking the time to pretend like she was considering her options. Izzie's head snapped up. "Come with me."

Izzie looked to Bailey for a second opinion. "I think I'm learning more here," she said weakly. Bailey's death glare indicated otherwise, so Izzie stripped off her ER gown and threw her gloves in the trash angrily, and followed Callie back upstairs. "What can I help you with today, Dr. Torres?"

Callie handed her a chart. "Abigail Thompson, 34. Has a fractured elbow and a broken rib. I just need you to run her labs and find me when you're finished."

"You pulled me off an ER case that might have been surgical to run labs?"

"Are you going to whine about it, or are you going to do your job?" Callie snapped.

"I thought my job was to learn how to do surgeries, not to run labs," Izzie retorted. "I mean, I am a _surgical_ intern-"

Callie interrupted, whispering fiercely, "Look, I didn't want to have to say this, but- I'm the nice kid on the playground, okay? I don't take your swing when no one's looking, I don't spin you too fast on the tire. But for some reason you are the kid who steals everyone else's sidewalk chalk and has a bad attitude when she gets caught in hide and seek."

Izzie looked at her in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about you," Callie hissed, abandoning all metaphors, "and taking things that aren't yours."

She left Izzie standing in the middle of the hallway, dumbfounded.

…

"Want to scrub in?" Derek asked Meredith as he caught her in a hallway near the OR. "It's a pretty interesting case, you should check it out." He handed her the patient's CT; hesitantly, she took them.

"This is a child," Meredith observed, reading the scans.

"Little girl. Fifteen."

She puffed up her cheeks and let out a big breath of air. "Yeah, I'd love to help."

"Great. Prep her, she's in 2413."

Just like that. She was surprised. "Thanks."

Derek grabbed her arm before she could walk away. "You're sure you're okay."

She gave an exasperated sigh. So he _was_ going to talk about it after all. "Derek, you're the one who freaked out this morning when I cut myself in the shower."

"I didn't freak out," he said defensively. "I was just… worried about you."

"Well you shouldn't worry. I'm fine. I know I'm a little different. But what happened that day in the water… when I died… that changed me, Derek. I get to be at least a little bit changed. And you have to understand that if we're going to make this work."

He sighed and studied her, his head cocked slightly to the side. "You know something I've noticed? Your hair does this thing when you wear it in a ponytail… When you have your coat on, the end of your ponytail gets caught in the neck of your coat, and you're always brushing it out of the way. It's just… cute."

Meredith stared. "Derek."

"I know, I know I changed the subject. But it's cute. It's pretty. And I wanted to let you know."

Meredith fumbled for words, sort of laughing, sort of not. "Um… thank you."

"You're welcome." His voice was quiet and rumbling, the way it sounded when he first woke up in the mornings. It made her shiver.

"So everything's okay?" Meredith asked. "With… what we were talking about before, we're okay?"

"Yes. I know you get to be changed. I understand."

"Okay. You're sure."

"Yeah." He kissed her forehead softly. "Okay." He watched her walk away down the hallway, her ponytail bouncing lightly, but it wasn't okay. He didn't know, he didn't understand. All he knew was that he fell in love with the woman who had fallen into the water. And the woman who came out… she was Meredith, she was still herself, but-he couldn't wrap his head around it.

Derek didn't doubt what Meredith said she'd seen when she'd been unresponsive. He just didn't know if he wanted to believe it. It sounded awful when he thought about it like that, but this sudden turn of events seemed… too easy. A near-death experience, words of forgiveness and encouragement from her recently deceased mother and a dead patient she barely knew… and suddenly she awoke with a revelation. Suddenly she was ready. Derek sighed. He knew Meredith wasn't lying. He knew he loved her. He knew she loved him. But painful thoughts of doubt nagged at the back of his mind until he wasn't sure of anything anymore.

…

"Derek was a little weird this morning," Meredith confessed later that morning as she and Cristina lay sprawled out across the gurneys in the basement hallway, poring over textbooks filled with information about their surgeries.

"_I_ was a little weird this morning," Cristina scoffed. "I was flirting. _Flirting_. Me. I can't remember the last time I actually flirted with someone. I actually don't know if I've ever flirted with anyone."

Meredith gave an exaggerated frown. "That's sad."

"Not the point."

"Who were you flirting with?"

"Burke," Cristina sighed, "in front of Marlow. He doesn't think I love Burke. So I'm proving it to him."

"By flirting with him?" Meredith asked, confused. "Cristina, if Marlow knows anything about you he'll know that you don't flirt with people. Ever. He probably realizes what you're doing."

"Probably," Cristina groaned. "But I can't stop now, I already painted all my fingernails different colors."

Meredith glanced and them and giggled. "Oh, bad. Bad, bad."

"I know it looks bad," Cristina huffed.

"No, I mean the fact that you did it. _You_. It's so… I don't know… it's like something Izzie would do."

Cristina laughed. "Oh, God…"

Meredith smiled and then tried to bring up the topic of Derek again. "So this morning, Derek woke up really early."

"Is that unusual for Dr. McDreamy? Does he like his McBeauty rest?"

"Stop it. He didn't sleep all night, and then when the alarm went off he got in the shower without waking me up. And then when I got in the shower, he burst in a minute later and freaked out because I cut myself shaving."

"Freaked out, what do you mean?"

"I don't know, it was weird, he was, like, zoned out and he wouldn't stop staring at the cut and I had to tell him a couple times that I was okay before he would leave."

Cristina frowned. "Seriously?"

"Seriously. That's weird, right? People don't normally freak out about that kind of stuff, right?" Cristina didn't answer; she was thinking. "And he's been asking me all day if I'm okay. He probably let me scrub in today because he feels sorry for me." She sighed. "Great. This is a pity surgery."

"It's not a… pity surgery," Cristina told her. "Maybe he's just still worried about that whole thing where you were dead for a couple hours."

"Really?" Meredith asked, making a face. She hadn't considered that. "I mean, it was like a week ago. And I'm fine. I'm better than fine, I'm different, I'm happier."

"Maybe that's the problem, maybe McDreamy liked dark and twisty you, and then when you became bright and shiny you he stopped liking you."

"That's stupid," Meredith said. "I'm not _that _happy. I'm me, for God's sake."

"Maybe he just feels like you're all whole and healed now and there's not a place for him in your life anymore. And he's probably afraid that something else bad could happen and he could lose you again."

"That's even more stupid," Meredith smirked, laughing.

"God, I hate men," Cristina sighed.

"Yup."

…

Izzie clicked her tongue in disgust as she looked at the labs of the woman Callie had given her. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. She was fine. She was diabetic, but Izzie was sure the woman already knew that. She was sure Callie had put her on this boring case just to spite her because she suspected something about her and George. Nervousness churned in the pit of her stomach every time she thought about it. What if Callie knew? She could beat the crap out of Izzie, that was certain. So why hadn't she? Was she just speculating, second guessing herself?

Izzie walked into the room to drop off the labs to the patient and give her the good news, but wasn't really prepared for what she saw. Callie had said the patient had a fractured elbow and a broken rib. What she'd failed to mention was her black eye and the numerous cuts and gashes on her face that had already been sutured up in the ER.

Izzie faltered for a moment and then stuttered, "Uh… Mrs. Thompson, right?"

"Do I look old enough to be a Mrs.?" the woman laughed. "Call me Abigail." She extended the hand that wasn't in her sling.

"Okay," Izzie laughed nervously. "I'm Dr. Stevens… Um, I ran your labs…"

"That bad, is it?" Abigail joked. "Come on, what do I have, cancer?"

"Oh, no, no, nothing's wrong," Izzie said hastily. "You're actually fine. You're perfectly healthy. The tests did indicate that you have diabetes but I'm sure you're already aware of that. So… we're going to keep you here for a couple days while your rib heals, make sure you don't have any internal bleeding that we didn't catch on the scans and then if everything goes well you'll be out of here soon."

"Great," Abigail said with a smile. "Sounds good."

Izzie couldn't believe how optimistic this woman was. She looked like she'd been pushed off the top of the Space Needle and she was still smiling. Izzie knew she wasn't technically the intern on the case, she didn't know who was, but her curiosity got the better of her. She was going to find out what had happened to this woman.

"I'm just going to check your blood pressure and make sure your heart's okay, just some standard-"

"A nurse took my blood pressure half an hour ago," Abigail interrupted, smiling.

"Oh…" Izzie floundered. "Well we should-"

"You want to know who beat the crap out of me."

Izzie blushed. "Well, no, I-"

"It's okay. I'm a mess, I know. And before you ask, no, it wasn't my husband, it wasn't my boyfriend, it wasn't my father. It was an acquaintance of mine… my, ah… well, one of my very close friends, actually. Sharon. She…" Abigail sighed. "She found out I was sleeping with her husband."

It wasn't what Izzie had been expecting at all, and it certainly hit a little too close to home. She fumbled for the right words. "Wow, that's… I'm sorry. I'm really sorry that happened to you."

"Don't be," Abigail laughed. "I don't regret what I did. It was wrong, but it was fun while it lasted. Sharon had every right to beat me up. I just didn't think she was gonna give me a shiner." Her laughter filled the room again and Izzie smiled awkwardly. This was too personal…

"Stevens!" a voice barked from the doorway, and Izzie looked up to see Callie. "How were her labs?"

"Great," Abigail answered before Izzie could. "Ready to get fixed up and out of here. I was just talking to Dr. Stevens; she ran my labs and said everything was fine."

"I'm glad you two are getting along," Callie said with a face that was neither a frown nor a smile. "You have a lot in common." Izzie froze, but Callie continued, "Did you know Dr. Stevens used to model, too?"

Abigail was amazed. "Seriously?"

Izzie forced a smile. "Seriously." She didn't appreciate Callie telling a patient about her past as Bethany Whisperer, even if they did have it in common. And Izzie was sure there was another reason Callie had put her with Abigail. Modeling wasn't the only thing they had in common.

…

Addison slumped in the rocking chair in the NICU. Charts, charts, and more charts… and only Karev for company. He would be almost cute if he wasn't such an asshole. She glanced up across the room and found him as distracted and bored as she was.

When they met eyes, he asked, "Isn't there something else I can do? These charts are killing me."

"Do you want to stay on call overnight and get them done?" Addison retorted.

Alex made a face. "No."

"Then you're staying here."

"Come on," Alex sighed exasperatedly. "There's got to be something better for me to be doing than charts."

There was a sudden pain in her stomach, the first one since she'd taken Ibuprofen that morning under Callie's watchful eye. She bit her lip and the pain subsided quickly, but it did nothing to improve her already sour attitude towards Karev. She spat out, "Like what?"

"Like… saving lives, maybe?"

Addison pursed her lips. "See that chart you're holding right there? What's the name on it?"

"Nicholas Wilson, why?"

She pointed to the baby on the end of the row closest to her and ignored another ache across her abdomen. "Little Nicholas here has a severe allergy to penicillin. In a few days, he'll get better and go home, and in a few years, he'll grow up to be a healthy young boy who likes to climb trees." This time the pain was too much to ignore and she gave an uncomfortable moan that she knew didn't go unnoticed. But she pressed on, "And when he comes back to Seattle Grace when he breaks his arm falling out of a tree, we'll know not to give him penicillin because that information will be on his chart. The chart that you thought you were wasting your time on. _Ow_," she hissed as the cramping swelled again. She held up a finger to silence Alex, who was about to interrupt with a concerned look on his face, and finished triumphantly, "So you see, Dr. Karev, you really are saving lives right here, right now. Got it?"

"Dr. Montgomery, are you all right?" Alex asked, disregarding her story completely.

"Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just… cramping," she muttered between groans. She fumbled around in her pockets for more pain killers.

"Cramping during pregnancy can be a sign of fetal distress, even miscarriage," Alex said slowly.

"_Or_ it can just be normal cramping of the uterus, it happens to a lot of women during pregnancy," Addison countered. She was having trouble standing now, the pain was so intense. She gripped onto the window ledge for support but Alex grabbed her elbow.

"I'm paging Dr. Bailey," he said sternly.

"_Don't_ page Bailey," Addison instructed as she sunk to a sitting position on the floor. The pain was incessant now; she gripped at her stomach uncomfortably and her mind screamed, _It's okay, it's okay, please be okay! _

"You look warm, take off your coat," Alex suggested. When Addison didn't comply, he held down her shoulders and slid the thick white coat off himself. She groaned again and he decided, "All right, I'm paging Bailey-"

"_No!_" Addison shouted. "It's… it's subsiding."

"_What?_"

It was true. Just as quickly as it had flared up, the pain was gone again. "It's gone." She heaved a sigh of relief. "It's gone."

"Maybe you should-"

Bailey appeared in the doorway, looking annoyed. "I got a 911 page, what the hell is going on?"

"You paged Bailey?" Addison asked in disbelief.

Bailey shook her head. "Nevermind who paged who, I'm here now, what happened?"

"Dr. Montgomery was having severe-"

Addison interrupted, "It wasn't _severe_, I think severe is a gross overstatement-"

"She was cramping. She couldn't even stand," Alex reported.

"Addison?" Bailey asked with raised eyebrows. "This true?"

"I'm fine now," Addison sighed, climbing to her feet. "See?"

"Either way, I'd like to do an ultrasound," Bailey said, clearly not convinced.

Addison scoffed. "I don't think that's going to be necessary." Bailey raised her eyebrows and Addison continued, "Miranda, you know as well as I do that cramping during pregnancy can be perfectly normal-"

"And you and I also know that it can indicate severe problems," Bailey interrupted. "I will personally see to it that you get an ultrasound. Today. Now." Addison gave a sigh of disbelief but Bailey ignored her. "Come with me. Karev, you're off Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd's service-"

"Actually, it's Montgomery," Addison corrected.

"Shut up," Bailey quipped. "Karev, you heard me, go make yourself useful somewhere else."

"On the contrary, Dr. Bailey," Addison interjected before Alex could get away. "Dr. Karev was helping me fill out some life-saving information on these charts. Weren't you, Dr. Karev?"

Alex scowled. "Yes ma'am."

"Fine," Bailey muttered. "Finish those charts. And then scram." She took off down the hallway again with Addison in tow, muttering about interns who didn't know when to shut the hell up.

…

"Brenna Mullin?" Meredith asked, poking her head into 2413.

"That's me," said the girl lying on the bed. Derek had said she was fifteen, and she didn't look a day older. Her dark eyes were huge, and even though she had a brave face on, Meredith could tell that she was terrified.

"My name's Dr. Grey, I'm going to prep you for your surgery this afternoon."

"Surgery," Brenna repeated, and exhaled nervously. "When they say it on TV it never sounds as scary as when someone's saying it to you in real life."

"Well, Dr. Shepherd is the best," Meredith assured her, checking her vitals before they got started. "You really don't have anything to worry about."

"Craniotomies are easy, right?" Brenna asked nervously.

"Do you want me to explain the operation to you?" Meredith offered.

Brenna shook her head and said, "Open the skull flap, remove the aneurysm, avoid swelling of the brain and check for residual bleeding, close me up. Easy, right?"

Meredith looked at her, surprised, as she checked the girl's abdomen. "You really know a lot about brain surgery, huh?"

Brenna blushed and explained, "I want to be a doctor when I grow up."

Meredith smiled. "Really? What kind of doctor?"

"A surgeon," Brenna answered immediately.

"A brain surgeon?"

She shook her head. "A heart surgeon. They're the toughest ones. Plus they have, like, the coolest job ever."

"Oh yeah?" Meredith asked, smiling.

Brenna nodded. "They get to fix broken hearts."

Something ached in Meredith's own heart and she said quietly, "Brenna, we're going to have to take you up to surgery soon. Do you want me to call your mom for you, let her know we're ready?"

"Oh, it's okay, my mom's working," Brenna said matter-of-factly.

Meredith frowned. "On the day of your surgery?"

"She's an anesthesiologist at Mercy West. She gets off, like, twice a year."

Meredith bit her lip. She saw the ten-year-old version of herself waiting at the window for her mother to come home, waiting, waiting… blowing out the candle she'd stuck in a cookie and singing happy birthday to herself.

"Dr. Grey?" Brenna asked. "Are you okay?"

"Um-do you want me to try calling your mom again? Because I'm sure she'd want to be here for this-"

"She watches tons of kids go into surgery every day and never come back out. I don't think she wants to see that happen to me."

Meredith smiled sadly and tried to change the subject. "I should introduce you to my friend Cristina. She's a heart surgeon."

Brenna's face lit up. "Really? Is she, like, super badass and way hardcore?"

"She's… way hardcore," Meredith answered, putting it lightly. "And when you get out of surgery, I'll let you meet her."

"Really?"

Meredith smiled. "Really. Now you rest up, Dr. Mullin. The first step to becoming a surgeon is getting you through _your_ surgery safely, okay?"

…

"Miranda, this really isn't necessary," Addison assured her as they entered an empty exam room.

"It is if you don't want the Chief to find out," Bailey threatened. "I think he'd send you home for a few days if he knew what happened today."

Addison sighed defeatedly and watched as Bailey dug around in the cabinets for what she needed. After a few moments, Bailey cleared her throat and asked casually, "And, ah… not that this is any of my business but, where exactly is home for you now, Dr. _Montgomery_?"

Addison had to smile a little. "Well, it isn't any of your business, but I like you so I'll tell you. I'm staying at Mark's."

"Dr. Sloan's?"

Addison smirked. "The one and only."

"God help you."

"Don't I know it." Reluctantly, she sat down in the chair and reiterated, "I feel fine, Miranda. It was just a little cramping."

"You'd better hope that's all it was," Bailey said, getting out the ultrasound gel. "Now, this is-"

"This is going to be a little cold," Addison finished for her. "I _know_, Miranda, don't insult my intelligence."

"Don't insult your own," Bailey retorted. Just because you want everything to be fine doesn't mean you should ignore signs of what could be problems. Now hold still-" Addison jumped with a start as a pager beeped. "Damn it," Bailey swore, glancing down at her pager clipped onto her pocket. "It's the Chief. Um…" She handed Addison the ultrasound wand. "Hold this. Stay here. _Do not leave_ until I get back, got it?"

Addison heard her take off down the hall with the swish of scrubs, but she wasn't looking after her. She was looking at the ultrasound wand in her hand. She could do it herself. She did it dozens of times a day. Taking a deep breath, she put the wand on her belly, right where Bailey had applied the gel and spread it out across her abdomen.

And then she sat there. She couldn't take the ultrasound. _Everything is fine_, she told herself. But what if it wasn't? What if everything wasn't fine, and she was here, all alone in this cold exam room when she found out, when she discovered-

"Everything is fine," she said aloud, but her voice was hollow. She reached over to grab a tissue and wiped the gel off. She turned off the machines, buttoned her blouse up again, and went to find Bailey and the Chief. She would tell Bailey that the ultrasound was fine, that everything was fine, and then she would go back to work and it would be an ordinary day.

An ordinary day.

…

"Dr. Stevens?" Abigail asked.

"Izzie," she corrected. "You can call me Izzie."

"Okay. Izzie. Dr. Torres doesn't seem to like you much, does she?"

Izzie stiffened. "We've never really gotten along."

"Ah, a rift in the friendship," Abigail nodded.

"Well no, no, not really, we were never really friends to begin with, she's just my best friend's girlfriend. Well, he was my best friend, but now we never talk anymore, and she _was _his girlfriend, and now she's his wife."

"Yikes."

"Yeah."

"And your best friend-"

"George."

"George, he… he loves Dr. Torres?"

"Well he… I shouldn't be talking to you about this."

Abigail laughed. "I'm an adulterous punching bag, who am I going to tell?"

Izzie sighed. "Well, they were kind of off and on for a long time and then she whined and broke up with him and slept with someone else and then George found out and freaked out and then his dad died and they got married in Vegas, and now-"

"Woah, woah, they got married in Vegas?"

"I know, tacky, right?"

"A little," Abigail smiled. "But you still didn't answer my question. Does George love Dr. Torres?"

"Did the man you slept with love his wife?"

"Oh, so you slept with George?" Abigail gasped.

Izzie flushed crimson. "What? No! Well, yes- but how did you-"

"You compared my situation to yours. Plus you have a guilty face," Abigail admitted.

"Do I really?" Izzie winced.

"It's okay," Abigail assured her.

"Hey, it's my job to tell you you're going to be okay," Izzie said, trying to lighten the mood.

"Izzie," Abigail tried again. "Does George love Dr. Torres?"

"I think so. I think… yes. Yes, he does."

"Do you love George?" Abigail asked, and Izzie took a breath that turned into a sob. "Because it's okay if you do. We can't help who we fall in love with."

"He's my best friend," Izzie said shakily. "And we get along so well, I just… I can't help but wonder if we should try to make this work."

"Well you can start by talking to Dr. Torres about it. She seems like a nice woman. A little intense, but nice. Understanding."

Izzie shook her head. "George said he didn't want to tell Callie. And besides, after seeing you… I'm not so sure I want to do that." Abigail chuckled. There was a pause, then Izzie said, "What did Sharon say when you told her you were sleeping with her husband?"

Abigail smiled sadly. "Well she was kind of okay with it at first, for a minute… and then she wasn't. And Saul-that's her husband, the guy I slept with-he said we shouldn't talk anymore. Or see each other, really, ever again. So…" She sighed.

"I can't have that happen," Izzie said adamantly. "I can have Callie hating my guts forever but I cannot lose George. I need him, I need him as a friend, whatever, I just… need him."

"Then fight. Fight to keep him however you can."

Izzie nodded, then looked up when she heard a knock on the door. It was Callie. "Can I talk to you for a second, Dr. Stevens?"

Guilt and anxiety churned in Izzie's stomach as she followed Callie out into the hallway. "Can I help you with something, Dr. Torres?"

"What are you doing in there?" Callie demanded. "I left you with her an hour ago to check her BP and make sure she was okay to be discharged. Why are you still in there making small talk with her?"

"I'm sorry, I don't-um… we-"

"See, this is what I don't like about you, Stevens-as a doctor. You get too involved. May I remind you that you're still fresh off probation and I can recommend to Bailey that you return to probation status at any time?"

"Yes," Izzie said, biting back sharper words.

"So what were you doing in there?" Callie asked again. "Making chit-chat? Because I was joking earlier. I didn't want you two to become best friends."  
"We were just talking," Izzie stammered. "She had some questions about how to take care of her arm while it was in the sling and I was just answering them-"

"And this? This is what I don't like about you as a person, Izzie," Callie said, her voice dangerously low. "You lie. You _lie_."

Izzie fumbled for control. "I'm sorry-ah… wha-"

"Get Ms. Thompson discharged and then get the hell out of my life," Callie spat.

Izzie stared after her, unable to think or move. George. She had to find George.

…

"Can you believe this little girl's mother didn't want to be here for this?" Derek asked as he and Meredith scrubbed in side by side.

"Well, she's busy," Meredith said. "She's an anesthesiologist, they have long hours just like we do."

Derek shook his head. "Yeah, but you don't miss something this important in your kid's life, not for anything. What if something happened, and she wasn't here? How guilty would she feel?"

"If she's anything like my mother was, not guilty at all," Meredith sighed.

Derek's expression shifted. "Mer… I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking-"

"It's okay," Meredith said calmly, tying the mask over her nose and mouth, retreating, crawling further and further away, like he had done to her this morning.

"No, it's not okay," Derek said, shaking his head. "It's not okay. You're not okay. We're not okay."

"I'm fine-"

"Meredith!" Derek barked loudly, and she didn't like the way her name sounded when he said it like that. "Mer." Softer this time, but it didn't make her feel any better. "You're not fine. Stop saying you're fine."

"You want me to not be fine? Okay, then I'm not fine!" Meredith said, raising her voice. "Because you didn't wake me up this morning before you got in the shower. And because you've been asking me how I'm feeling all the time. And because you've been looking at me like I'm some freaking time bomb waiting to explode ever since you pulled me out of the water!"

Deafening silence. Then, "Meredith-"

Then, "Dr. Shepherd, she's crashing!"

Derek looked up through the glass into the OR. "Damn it," he muttered to himself. "The aneurysm must have ruptured, we've got to get in there now." He turned to Meredith. "Coming, Dr. Grey?"

Wordlessly, she followed him quickly into the OR.

…

"Ah, speak of the Devil," Richard intoned dryly as Addison approached himself and Bailey where they stood on the catwalk.

"I go by Satan, remember?" Addison joked.

"What are you doing out here?" Bailey snapped. "I told you to stay in that exam room and to not come out until you had received an ultrasound!"

"I did it myself," Addison said, lying with ease.

Bailey turned to Richard for support. "Chief-"

"She _is_ one of the best in the country. But-"

"But what?" Addison asked. "I don't see what the problem is. I'm fine. The ultrasound was fine."

"Addison, if you can't even stand how are you going to properly attend to your patients?"

"It was just some cramps, Richard. It happens all the time. You know…" Richard glared at her. "Well I mean, you don't know _personally_, I just meant- I was perfectly capable of standing when Dr. Bailey arrived, I was fine-"

"It wasn't Dr. Bailey who came to me."

"Then-" Addison stopped as she realized, "Karev."

"Go home, Addison," Richard said gently. "Just for the day. No one will think less of you if you take the day off."

Addison laughed in disbelief. "Richard… What-" She floundered, and then turned on Bailey. "_She_ came into work when she was supposed to be on maternity leave! I helped deliver her baby in the middle of a code black, a _code black_, Richard."

"We're not talking about Dr. Bailey, we're talking-"

"We certainly are _not_," Bailey interrupted. "Listen to me!" she barked at Addison. "You are a surgeon. You are a pregnant obstetric surgeon. You know more than anyone else on this side of the country that you should be at home right now after what just happened to you. No more excuses. Get your little behind in a car and home right now or-"

"Or we'll suspend you for a week without pay," Richard interjected, gaining the power back with a reproving look at Bailey. "Go. Now."

…

The telephone rang in the OR and one of the nurses answered. After a moment she called, "Dr. Shepherd?"

"Yeah, I'm kind of in the middle of someone's brain right now," Derek snapped. Meredith smirked behind her mask. He always got short with people when he was in surgery; there was no time for mistakes. In his voice, she also heard the remnants of their argument minutes before in the scrub room and glanced nervously from Derek to the scrub nurse.

"It's Dr. Montgomery, she says she wants to talk to you."

Meredith felt Derek's eyes on her and he said, "Dr. Grey, can you take that call please?"

She faltered. "Don't you need me to-"

"Dr. Grey," Derek repeated, louder this time. "Please take that phone call and tell me what Dr. Montgomery wants to know."

Meredith gave Derek a withering look and pulled off her gloves. She pulled her mask down under her chin and took the phone from the nurse in the corner. "Addison?"

"Meredith?" Addison's voice sounded surprised.

"Derek's a little busy right now, what do you need?"

"Um, I'm just going home but I wanted to run by the trailer and pick up a couple things first, just some last minute stuff I left there."

"Oh, okay." Meredith nodded, her worry slowly dissipating and turning to annoyance. She was missing surgery for this?

"But I don't have keys to the trailer with me anymore, I gave them back to Derek. Can you ask him if I can use his?"

"Yeah, go ahead," Meredith assured her. "He won't mind. They should be on his desk or somewhere in his office…"

"Thanks. You're sure he won't mind."

She wasn't, but she quipped, "Yeah. It's fine." Now she was the one getting short with people.

"Are you okay?" Addison asked. "You sound-"

"I'm fine," Meredith snapped, and hung up the phone.

"Dr. Grey," Derek asked calmly, "what was the problem?"

"No problem. She just needed keys to the trailer, I told her where to find them." Derek made no answer, so she asked hesitantly, "So… I'll re-scrub?"

He shook his head, not meeting her eyes. "She's stable, I'm almost done here. Thank you, Dr. Grey." He turned to the scrub nurse. "Retractor."

Meredith stared him down, her eyes boring a hole in his back. She ripped off her mask and left the OR before she felt the need to hit something.

…

The cramps were back, and she was trying her damnedest to ignore them, but it wasn't working. She popped two more Ibuprofen as she headed towards the elevators, but Mark stopped her before she could get on.

"Babe, where are you going?" he asked.

"I'm just going to the trailer to get some stuff, and don't call me 'babe' at work," Addison reproved with a smile that wrinkled her nose.

"What do you need at the trailer, babe?" Mark teased.

"Stop it. I just need to pick up some stuff there. Shoes, razors, stupid stuff I wasn't thinking about when we were packing."

"How many more shoes could you possibly have?" Mark joked. "Do not bring any more shoes into our apartment, do you understand me? Not one Jimmy Choo, not one Manolo Bahlik, got it?"

Addison blinked a couple times. "Our apartment."

"What?"

"Well you said… you said _our _apartment," she stuttered.

Mark nodded. "Yeah, that's what it is."

She nodded slowly. "Right. Yeah… yeah, duh, of course. Um. Okay. I'll… be at the apartment, so just-"

"_Our _apartment," Mark corrected. "You have a key to our apartment, you don't have a key to the trailer anymore, it's _our _apartment."

"Yeah." Addison fidgeted. "Just… I'll be there, okay? See you… when you get there."

"Okay." Mark dropped a kiss into her hair and mumbled, "I love you," but she couldn't bring herself to return the gesture, so she smiled weakly and climbed onto the elevator.

…

"Why did you page me?" George gave an exasperated sigh as he walked into the supply closet where he'd been paged, only to find Izzie.

"I'm going to fight for you," she said, monotone. "And I don't mean romantically, because I know you're with Callie, but I need you in my life in some capacity, George. You're my best friend and I cannot make it through adultery without my best friend."

George sighed. "I need my best friend, too," he said quietly, not meeting her eyes, "but right now, my best friend thinks I've made the biggest mistake of my life and I'm not really ready to talk to her about it yet. So yeah, it would be nice to have my best friend to help me get through this. But there are some things you have to learn to do alone."

Izzie made noises that weren't words and George looked down at the floor. "I have to go," he said hoarsely, and Izzie began to learn how it felt to be alone.

_We can ignore the advice of our friends, our family, our peers. But it's easiest to ignore our own advice. We can lie to ourselves and everyone else, convince ourselves that we're fine. That we don't need to sit down and just take it all in for a second. We say that we know what's best for us better than anyone else. But do we?_

Addison gripped her stomach as she trundled down the last dirt road to the trailer. The pills she'd taken weren't kicking in; the cramps were worse, like they'd been in the NICU earlier when she couldn't stand. On a scale of one to ten: six.

"This is not happening," she muttered to herself in a sing-song voice as she pulled up outside the trailer. She shut off the car and took her keys with her. The path to the door was muddy and mushy; her feet made splooshing noises every time she took a step. "Perfect…" she mumbled in the same tone, and stumbled onto the deck in front of the door. "Key," she said aloud, and then swore when she realized the key to the trailer wasn't on her key ring, it was in her purse. Which was in the car. Back across the yucky yard.

She reached the car after a harrowing return journey and stretched across the parking brake to grab at her purse in the driver's seat. The key had slipped out of the pocket on the inside with her cell phone and into the dark uncertainty of the atrocious mess that was her purse. Groaning in frustration and pain, she pulled the purse over onto the driver's seat.

That was when she saw the blood. A small stain about the size of her palm on the driver's seat. Fresh and red. She looked down the front of her jeans and saw a matching dark stain through the thick fabric.

"Oh my God…" she choked out. She yanked her purse from the car, grabbed the key, trudged back across the yard and into the trailer. The pain swelled again, maybe to a nine this time, and she yelped as she hobbled down the hallway to the bathroom. She collapsed on the toilet and pulled down her pants.

Red. Her underwear were soaked. She wiped. Red.

This wasn't happening.

She fumbled in her purse for her phone. She needed to call someone… someone… Mark. She dialed. He didn't pick up. She swore. Derek. The same pattern. Bailey. Nothing. Callie. Straight to voicemail.

"Damn it!" she whimpered, clutching her abdomen.

Meredith. Maybe Meredith was somehow miraculously out of surgery, even if Derek wasn't. Maybe somehow she would have her phone on her. She dialed. Six rings. Then-

_Sometimes we need a little help. Sometimes we need other people's advice._

Meredith had gone to the locker room to splash some water on her face after Derek had all but kicked her out of the OR. Now she was lying on a bench, staring up at the ceiling, alone when her phone rang. She looked at the display screen and furrowed her brow. She sounded hoarse when she answered, "Addison?"

"Meredith." Her voice was calm, ridiculously calm. "I need you to come to the trailer. I'm in a lot of pain. I need-" A groan, "-your help. Can you come to the trailer? I need-"

"What's going on, are you okay?"

"No, I need you to come to the trailer now, and bring gauze. Towels. Something. I'm also going to need some lidocaine… morphine or something." Like she was giving instructions in the OR. "There's blood, a lot of blood, Meredith, I need you to-"

"Did you fall? Did you cut yourself? Talk to me, _what happened_?" Meredith's heart was racing.

"Please," Addison whimpered, and then the line was dead.

_Sometimes, we can't do it by ourselves. Sometimes, we can't make it on our own._


	13. Chapter 13

Thank you so much to everyone who has stuck with this story. I know it's been a while. Updates will be sporadic but I will try my best to keep them coming. Please enjoy this chapter.

* * *

_Red is the first color noticed by the human eye. _

She'd been there less than five times. She wasn't sure if she was going to be able to remember how to get to the trailer without getting lost at least once. But as soon as she got behind the wheel of the Jeep Cherokee it was like she was on autopilot. Exit 74 off the freeway, down a winding rural road, over a small river, left on the dirt road, left again, and then right at the blue spruce and into the clearing.

Addison's car was still parked there, the driver's side door flung wide open. Meredith shut off her car and tripped out into the muddy front yard. A thin, piercing raindrop hit the crown of her head and she shivered. "Addison?" She peered into the other car, her voice stronger than she felt. The stain on the seat stared up at her, an angry red face. Panic gripped her stomach and she hurried for the trailer.

Meredith stumbled through the door, heart pounding, and the first thing she saw was red. Red trailing down the hardwood hallway. Red staining the small white area rug on the floor outside the shower. Red leading into the unbelievably tiny bathroom and stopping where Addison lay curled in a ball under the sink. Her eyes were red, too.

"Addison…" Meredith breathed in disbelief. There was just so much red, so much crimson, vermillion, scarlet, cherry, wine. How was there this much red? Suddenly she was eight years old again, walking down the stairs and seeing her mother standing in the kitchen…

_"Mommy?" Even at eight, she knew something was wrong. _

_ "Don't bother me, Meredith, I'm busy," Ellis snapped. _

_ "Mommy!" She was more insistent this time, more pleading. Something was wrong. Her mother knew how to hold a knife, and it wasn't that way. _

_ "I want you to listen to me, Meredith, and I want you to listen very carefully…"_

Something in her brain clicked and she went into surgeon mode. "Okay. Addison, we need to take you to the hospital. Now."

Addison shook her head and pulled her knees in tighter to her chest. Meredith saw the huge stain of red on her jeans. "I don't want to go to the hospital," she whispered calmly. "I'll go when it's time for the baby to be born."

The words tore Meredith's heart into shreds. This was unbelievable. This was-she stopped and for the first time thought about what she would tell Derek. This was his baby too. How would she tell him that he'd lost his baby?

"Addison, let's go," Meredith said, kneeling on the tiled floor. Black, white and, of course, red. "You can't stay here-there's too much-"

"An incomplete miscarriage," Addison recited like an automaton, her speech beginning to slur with exhaustion. "The cervix dilates and there is bleeding if the fetus doesn't evacuate. Probably stress-induced and due to environmental factors, including the mother's age. Or it could be because the egg wasn't properly implanted into the uterine lining."

Meredith blinked. This wasn't happening, it couldn't be happening, not to Addison, not to Derek. God, not to Derek…

"We've got to get to the hospital," she insisted again. "Okay, Addison? I'm going to help you stand up, can you stand up for me? We're going to get in my car and go back to the hospital. Mark will be at the hospital, okay? And so will Derek."

"He loves you, Meredith," Addison whispered. She winced in pain and Meredith gripped her hand.

"It's okay," Meredith croaked, which was really an apology.

Addison's lips twitched and Meredith wasn't sure if it was a smile or a wince. "He wants a happily ever after and a picket fence with you."

Meredith shook her head, knowing she wasn't deserving of or ready for the master plan Derek had for the two of them. But Addison misunderstood the gesture and rasped, "He's human, he makes mistakes. He hurts people. But so do we. We hurt people too, Meredith. And sometimes, probably by accident, really good things happen to us anyway. Derek is a really good thing, Meredith. He'll be good to you. So you let him. You let him be good to you because you mean more to that man than you know."

Meredith didn't know when she'd started crying, but she hardly recognized her own voice when she said, "Come on, let's go to the hospital." She tugged at her friend's hand. "Come on."

But Addison had gone limp. Her eyes were shut and Meredith reached frantically to her neck to search for a pulse. Faint. Steady, but there. She was probably just unconscious from blood loss. Meredith reached into her pocket for her cell phone. Nothing would be fast enough.

Derek. No answer. Bailey. No answer. Mark? She didn't have Mark's number. Cristina was in surgery. George, Izzie, Alex- they were all at work, everyone was at the hospital, no one would answer a page from outside the hospital. Meredith glanced back at Addison, pale and red. Red, red, red.

"Damn it!" Meredith swore loudly, looking around for something to hit, something to throw, but there was nothing. Nothing but a hand towel balled up around the back of the sink and a bottle of purple hand soap. She took a shaky breath, once, twice and then checked Addison's pulse again. Still there, but slower. She had to get her to the hospital.

"Addison," Meredith said quietly, forcefully. "Can you get up? I need you to get up. We need to get to the car so I can take you to the hospital. We're going to try to save your baby, okay?"

No response. Meredith was starting to panic. This time she yelled, her voice breaking with anxiety. "Addison! Addison, I need you to get up!"

The redhead stirred faintly, looking confused. "Meredith?"

Meredith's heart rate slowed and she gave a tearful sigh of relief. "Okay. Okay, Addison? I need you to get up, I'm going to help you, okay? We're going to get in my car and go to Seattle Grace. I'm taking you to see Mark. He wants to see you, okay?"

Addison's eyelids drooped as she thought about the idea, but Meredith placed a firm hand on her shoulder to keep her conscious. "Addison, look at me. We're going to stand up together, okay?" She received a slow nod in response. "Okay." Meredith squatted in front of Addison and gently put her hands under her friend's armpits. "Tell me if something hurts, okay?"

Addison nodded weakly, her eyelids fluttering with the effort of putting her feet flat on the ground. "Stomachache…" she mumbled, wincing.

Meredith's heart tore. She nodded. "Okay. We're going to fix that." With a haul that took all her effort, she hoisted Addison up off the floor and to a standing position, leaning heavily into her right side. "All right. Now let's go to my car. As slow as you need, let's go."

Shuffling out of the closet that was the bathroom, Meredith dragged Addison alongside her and down the hall. She was sure as she scuffed, some blood bled its way into the suede of her moccasins, but the only thought on her mind was getting to the car, getting to the hospital, getting to Derek. Somehow they made it to the door.

"Almost there," Meredith assured Addison, whose head had dropped to Meredith's shoulder. "Stay awake, come on." She opened the front door of the trailer with her hip and forearm, the way she would open a door after scrubbing in. Addison groaned and gave a sharp intake of breath as they jostled down the steps.

"I know, we're almost there," Meredith said, trying to sound soothing, but she couldn't hide the note of panic in her voice. Just a few more feet across the yard, and then they were at her Jeep. "Okay…" she panted, reassuring herself more than Addison. "Okay, we made it to the car. That was great, Addison, that was really good. Um…" She fumbled, trying to balance Addison's weight against hers and open the passenger door. Gasping, she managed to settle Addison into the passenger seat and quickly climbed in behind the wheel.

"Okay, we're going to the hospital, ready?" she asked, glancing over at Addison. Her eyes were closed again and her chest was rising and falling slowly. Meredith's stomach did back flips. She didn't have much time. The engine rumbled to life and the wipers flicked across the windshield. Meredith tore out of the clearing and back onto the road, hoping that she could get to the hospital fast enough.

Once she hit the freeway, she swerved in and out of traffic, doing a good impression of her early driving days. Suddenly a thought struck her and she cursed herself for not thinking of it earlier; she reached over the parking brake and into her purse, which lay at Addison's feet, and pulled out her phone. Her hands shook as she dialed the Chief's number.

His answer was faint and annoyed. "Richard Webber."

"Chief! I've got an incoming trauma, about ten minutes from the hospital, we're going to need Bailey to prep an OR and the best surgical team we've got-"

Richard's authoritative tone cut through her frantic monologue. "Grey? What's going on?"

"I got called away from the hospital," Meredith stammered, fighting the panic and bile rising in her throat. "It was… a patient, she needed help, I didn't know what else to do-"

"This patient better be pretty damn important for you to leave my hospital during your shift."

"It's Addison," Meredith exhaled, her voice breaking. "She's having a miscarriage."

X

It was silent. Totally and utterly silent. Callie was huddled by the doors to the OR, hands folded over her chest, stoic. Meredith, a few feet away in a stiff padded chair, twisted her watch around her wrist once, twice, three times. It was almost seven o'clock. Derek had been called into emergency surgery but was almost done, and Mark had been paged as well.

"I can't," Meredith breathed, her voice miniscule, tiny. "I can't tell him." She looked up at Callie, begging, pleading with her eyes. "It really shouldn't be me."

"You found her," Callie contradicted, her voice strained and tight. "You know the most about what happened. You should tell them."

"Can't the Chief-" Meredith was cut off by a sharp shush from Callie, who saw Richard approaching them through the glass, rubbing his head as he removed his scrub cap. Meredith stumbled to her feet as he came through the doors. They swung shut behind him with a cold rush of air that made all the hair on Meredith's arms stand up.

"Chief?" Callie asked expectantly.

Richard shook his head almost imperceptibly and blinked his eyes for a brief moment, silencing her. He loosened the tie of his scrub gown from around his neck, as if it was too warm and he needed more air. Then, finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he asked, "Shepherd and Sloan?"

"On their way," Meredith reported solemnly. Richard made no movement, he didn't acknowledge that he'd heard, so she prodded, "Chief, are you going to be the one to tell-"

"Mark." Callie's voice caught in her throat as she saw her friend approaching, followed closely by Derek. Meredith turned around and faced them both. There was a bewildered look in Mark's eyes that she'd never seen before, and an equally concerned one in Derek's that she was much more familiar with.

"Why'd you page us?" he asked Richard.

Meredith's eyes flickered to the Chief; he opened his mouth once, twice… he looked like a fish gasping for breath on the pier, his eyes red and strange. He was a stranger. And he wasn't going to say anything. He couldn't form the words.

"Addison," Meredith sighed, feeling her eyes pool with water the minute she opened her mouth, and already she heard her voice take on that sandpapery quality it got when she cried. She was an awful crier. "Earlier today she suffered an incomplete miscarriage. We're not sure why yet, we don't think there was anything she could have done." She watched their expressions contort into incomprehension and didn't want to keep going. "Because the fetus was left in her uterus so long, it did some real damage. We… we weren't able to save her uterus, we had to perform an emergency hysterectomy. We did everything we could, but-"

"But Addison's going to be all right," Richard announced behind her, finally finding his voice. "She's a trooper. There was no permanent physical damage and she should be awake in a couple of hours, you'll be able to see her then."

With the rustle of his blue surgical gown, he brushed past Meredith and put a reassuring hand on both Derek's and Mark's arms, and then continued down the hall, a defeated slump in his shoulders. Mark tripped into the chair where Meredith had been sitting before and stared blankly down the hall, unmoving. Derek stood in the same spot, his brow furrowed, looking like he was going to lurch forward and vomit any second.

Meredith shuffled across the floor, filling the space between them and said quietly, "I- I'm so sorry."

She looked up into his eyes, but she didn't know them anymore. And something in his expression told her that he didn't know her eyes anymore either. He sighed, reached out to her, touched his thumb to the inside of her elbow for a brief second, and then turned down the hall and walked away.

X

Mark's head titled downward, heavy, and then right before it hit his chest, his eyes snapped open and he was awake again. He rubbed his eyes; they were dry and tired, his eyelids were so heavy. Addison lay in the hospital bed with wires twisting this way and that, creating a thicket he was hesitant to reach through. She hadn't woken up yet. He knew it would be another hour or so, but he wanted to be here when she did. Derek had gone for a walk around the floor to stretch his legs, and Mark was all alone with Addison.

He almost chuckled at the irony of the situation. There was a time when he would have given almost anything for Derek to leave the room and give him and Addison some time alone. But now, he dreaded it. What was he going to say to her when she woke up? It hadn't even been his baby. He wasn't good at this part of relationships, and if he couldn't be there for her through this… what good were they as a couple?

"How is she?" Callie asked from the doorway.

Mark turned and saw that she was as much of a mess as he was. Sniffling, red-eyed, zombie-like. He shrugged. "Okay, I guess. She hasn't woken up yet."

Callie nodded and shuffled into the room, collapsing into the chair on the other side of the bed. "It'll take a little bit-"

"I know," Mark snapped.

"How does this happen?" Callie asked, her voice thinner than tissue paper. "How do things this bad happen to people this good?"

"We see it every day, Cal," he sighed. "We just… don't really have to think about it until it's one of us. Until it's someone you love."

She nodded, then bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut. "I am so sorry, Mark," she whispered.

He ran a hand along his jaw, grimacing. "I know. Me too."

X

"I was worried about why he didn't wake me up before he got in the shower," Meredith mumbled, her voice muffled against the pillow in the on-call room.

"You couldn't have known," Cristina said quietly.

"I could have been more considerate."

"Why? To inflate his ego? To put on a brave face when something's bothering you?"

"To… show him I've changed, I don't know…" Meredith rolled over and stared up at the ceiling. "I've changed, I'm different and he doesn't get it." She looked over at Cristina and said quietly, "I really need him to get it."

"He can't expect you to be all bright and shiny forever."

"That's the thing," Meredith sighed. "He does. He says he doesn't, but he does."

Cristina shifted uncomfortably, rubbing the fabric of her shirt against her elbow slowly, methodically. There was a knock at the door that made them both jump. It was Derek, looking like… well… a wreck. Which was to be expected. Not good, but… understandable.

"Cristina, can we-"

"Of course." Cristina gave Meredith a nod and left, shutting the door behind her. Meredith looked up at Derek. He didn't say anything. She'd assumed that he would do all the talking, all the venting, all the crying and whatever. He'd asked to see her, after all. But he stood there, looking at her with this kind of blank nothingness and didn't say anything, so Meredith outstretched a hand. He didn't take it, but after a few moments he lay down beside her on the small bunk and stared up at the ceiling.

"Do you need anything?" Meredith asked after they'd lain there for what felt like hours.

Derek sighed pushed his thumbs against the bridge of his nose. "I need… to know that I'm doing something right."

Muscles ripped inside Meredith as she heard the words. "This wasn't your fault. There was nothing you- there was nothing anyone could have done."

He shook his head, but she couldn't tell if he was agreeing or disagreeing with her. "Not this time."

"What does that mean?"

"I could have done something for you," he answered. "You were slipping. Before you fell into the water… you'd been falling a long time and… I didn't do anything." There was a pause; she didn't know what to say, and then he asked, "Why did you…"

"Because it was easier than fighting," she interrupted, knowing what he meant. "Quitting is always easier. And I know you've had an impossible day, but please do not quit today. Don't quit on Addison, don't quit on Mark. And don't quit on me. Because I'm not finished. We're not finished, Derek." Her voice broke. "We're just starting."

He finally turned his head to look at her. "I know." Slowly, he reached up and brushed his thumb across her cheek. "I know."

X

"What happened?" Addison asked weakly, and Callie's head shot up from her chest.

"Addison!" She rushed to the bed. "You're awake! You're okay!" Tears fell from her eyes, she couldn't stop them. "Oh my God. I'm so… oh my God."

"What happened?" Addison repeated, and this time Callie could tell from her tone that she already knew the answer to that question.

Callie took her friend's hand and stroked her thumb slowly. "When I was little, my dad would always tell me, 'Chin up, _mija_, don't let them see you cry,' and so I got into this habit of… not crying when I was upset. And then my freshman year of college my roommate and I got in a car accident." Callie took a shaky breath. "And she was okay, we were both okay, but… I couldn't stop crying. I just sat in the ER and cried like a- I cried all my emotions out, from all those years, all those awful feelings and then I felt lighter. I felt… better."

"Why are you telling me this?" Addison asked, her mouth dry like cotton.

Callie faltered. "Well, just because… when I'm sad, I always feel better if people tell me it's okay to cry. It's like saying they understand you're hurting but they don't really know what else to say except that they're sorry and they love you and nothing bad should ever happen to someone as good as you." She sniffed and wiped at her eye, smearing eyeliner on her sleeve. "Sorry. Now I'm crying. And you're the one who-"

"Who lost a baby," Addison deadpanned. "I lost my baby. And I should feel sad and I should feel angry but… I don't feel anything." She looked around the sparse room. She usually found comfort in places like this, she knew these rooms, they were practically her home. But she glanced at the lumpy armchair and the wobbly table and didn't feel at home at all. She was uncomfortable, like she didn't belong in her own skin, like she was a stranger in her own body.

"Well," Callie said slowly. "We'll just stay like this until you feel something, okay?"

Addison nodded and tightened her grip on her friend's hand. "Okay."

X

"Is Meredith in there?" Izzie asked, craning her neck to see over Cristina's shoulder. "Is she okay? Can we talk to her?"

"Derek is talking to her. She's talking to Derek. Leave them alone," Cristina said calmly, guarding the door to the on-call room.

"Someone should talk to her," George mumbled.

"Come on, guys. They don't need you Pollyannas in there trying to make things all happy," Alex sighed, waving a dismissive hand.

"We're not trying to make things happy," Izzie argued. "We're just here to…" She looked to George for words.

"To help them understand their grief, if they need it," George supplemented.

Alex scoffed and shook his head as he walked away. "Okay."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Izzie demanded, following after and cornering him by the elevator. "That George and I don't understand grief? Because I think you know that we damn well _do_." She shoved Alex into the wall.

Alex growled. "Yeah, you're not the only ones. Get out of my face, Iz. And leave Meredith alone. I thought you of all people would get that."

Izzie stammered but didn't make words, and Alex got on the elevator. She stared blankly down the hallway, feeling her cheeks flush, and then the door to the on-call room opened.

"Dr. Shepherd," George said solemnly. "Is, ah, is Meredith in there?"

Derek cleared his throat. "She wants to get some rest. She's had a… long day."

"Can't we just see her for a second-" George started.

"It's okay, George," Izzie said from down the hall. She rejoined the group and asked, "How's Dr. Montgomery?"

X

"Have you ever lost somebody?" Addison asked quietly.

"Yeah," Callie nodded, her voice hoarse. "My grandfather, when I was seventeen."

"I'm sorry. Were you close?"

Callie shrugged. "Enough. After he died, all these people I never met wanted to tell me about all the great things he'd done, all the people he'd helped. And when he died it was like-it was like everyone forgot all the crappy things about him and only wanted to remember the good."

Addison sighed. "I know that. It doesn't seem fair, does it? This baby-" Her voice caught in her throat. "This baby was different. She was perfect. She hadn't done anything wrong for anyone to forget about. She was perfect. She was… an angel."

Callie's lip quivered. "Addison-"

"Addison!" Mark called from the doorway. He ran to the bed and Callie quickly shuffled out of the way. "Addison," he whispered, and tucked her hair behind her ear.

"Hey," she said weakly.

"How are- I mean-" Mark tripped over his words, a vice grip on her hand.

"I'm here," Addison said simply. "Alive and breathing and glad that you're here."

Mark pulled her close, cradling her head against his chest and smoothing his hand over her straight red hair.

_Red. It's the first color noticed by the human eye…_


End file.
